Friday, March 31, 2006


COMFORT LEVEL: 7.8 (Applying ones tongue to a hotplate while passing a kidney-stone)

Hey folks!

Okay, okay... it's not QUITE that uncomfortable. But flippin' heck, giving up the Pernicious Poison Puff, the Brain-Tickling Boredom Balm, the Totally Psychological Cylindrical Salvation, the Blight Of My Lifespan, the Alveolic Taxman, the Little White Life-Terminating Service, or as I like to call it "tobacco", is a rotten old business. In fact, it very much sucks not to suck right now.

There are many health risks associated with quitting smoking. I feel it is my job to enlighten the masses, who I can only imagine are too monged on Marlboros to think straight. The primary risks are:

  • Crying oneself 'spongelike'
  • Lack of concentration (e.g.: forgetting to
  • Eating enough Butterscotch Pudding and Pie Filling Mix to become a major shareholder of the Jello Company, or, in the final stages when all sense is lost, a knob of scotch butter.
  • Antisocial tendencies (examples include - but are not limited to - throwing darts at a picture of Ghandhi, taunting trees for being quiet, or dipping a kitten's tail in chicken stock and watching as it spins itself to pieces)
  • Looking like Pete Doherty. On an atomic-powered roundabout.
  • Increased aggression (Gouging a seven-foot deep trench in the kitchen floor with a soup ladle.)
  • Indigestion, flatulence, carpet-breath, nausea, sweatiness, worsened cough (otherwise known as Couldn't Get A Date In A Tunisian Fruit Market Syndrome)
Never mind. I'm sure it gets easier. I mean, please. Please - does it get easier? PLEASE??????

Well, now. Hope you're all okay there. Things ticking on here. The weather has warmed up a bit. I ended up cycling about 18 miles yesterday which was excellent and foolhardy in a good way (I'm a tad achey today...) Weird thing has happened over the last week-or-so - the people in my dreams now have American accents! Isn't that a weird thing? I wonder if an English person or American person were to move to - say - Poland, how long it would take for the people in their dreams to speak Polish, and whether BEFORE they learned the language everyone in their dreams just went: "Blrlr brbryum blurrrbbylum"? In my dreams also was a hearse with commercials all over it for a concert by the rock band KISS. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Also, just for interest's sake, I made a mental list of current, or recent TV shows over here which began as British TV shows and though I'd blog it. Seriously, in TV terms there's a bit of a British invasion going on at the moment, except the first British invasion was the Beatles and the Rolling Stones, and this is a lot more sh*t. Hehe. Anyway:

Pop Idol (American Idol), Deal Or No Deal, The Office, Wife Swap (Trading Spouses), Supernanny, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, What Not To Wear, Antiques Roadshow, Cash In The Attic, Faking It, Hell's Kitchen, Brat Camp, I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here,
Masterchef, Scrapheap Challenge (Junkyard Wars), The 1900 House (Frontier House)

Wow, eh? Making pointless lists is also a sign of quitting smoking btw. Okay - I've gotta go, but I'll call in again soon. Take care everyone!


No comments: