Sorry to get a little . . .well . . .irritable in my last post. It wasn't directed at anyone personally. I just feel angry sometimes that I have to apologize for my feelings about my son, and that isn't ya'll's fault . . .it seems a lot of the time that the people around me (IRL, or "In Real Life"hehe) have decided not only that I am not allowed to talk about it, but almost that I shouldn't be "dwelling on it" anymore. They also intentionally leave me out of things because they think I am "negative" or bring people down. So that hurts. But I am coping, and it's ok. It's just difficult, and this is, as April said (thank you for understanding, April) my "house." It's my place to think aloud and share some of what is in my heart.

Tonight we had a Thanksgiving Service at church. It is a mixed service with us (the Baptists) and the Methodists. I had never been to one of them before tonight, and I was pleasantly surprised. It was quite nice. One of the things we did was write down what we were thankful for, and then at the end of the service, the congregation was invited to share what they'd written if they felt lead to. It was quite touching, the things that people said. Jim and I did not choose to share with the congregation at large, but rather with each other. I thought that what we wrote was so nice it deserved sharing, so I am sharing it here.

AMY:

~I am thankful that the man I love made it across 6,000 miles and the wide ocean to be with me now.

~I am thankful that no matter how much I hurt, my child in Heaven never will.

~I am thankful for this new life--our 2nd child.

~I am thankful we will all be a family together one day.

JIM:

~I am thankful for New Life.

~I am thankful for the power to keep going when the needle points to "E."

~I am thankful that I can still feel love.

~I am thankful for melodies which keep me company when I am in loveless places.

Just Knowing You Were Beneath the Same Sky

Thoughts about my son . . .

I never realized how hard it would be to be pregnant again. The last thing I can remember is singing to Brian, and writing him letters, and talking to him . . .and now he is gone. I don't know how to bond with this child yet. I love him/her . . .and I'm obviously thrilled to be blessed again with this life growing inside of me. . .but I just miss my son and I want him back. I still don't quite know how to move on from that. It also feels like self-preservation not to get too attached too soon, because I don't want to hurt like this again.

It's funny too, because other people don't seem to share the joy this time either. They are afraid to "act happy" now that we are pregnant again. One woman just flat-out ignored me the other day, like . . ."don't want to jinx her!" Others act like it's not real until the baby arrives. This doesn't make it any easier.

I found a song tonight, and I want to share the lyrics. Maybe that will give you a glimpse of how I'm feeling. A while back, I got a lot of comments from people saying that my posts were "too sad," or suggesting that maybe I should get counseling or go to a support group . . .basically, talk to people who understand, not us, because we want fun stuff and happy thoughts. So I mostly try to talk about the good things in my life, because there ARE good things, and many of them. But that doesn't mean that every single day that goes by, I don't miss my firstborn child, and wish he were a part of this world. It hurts every day, and so for now, I'm not going to lie about that.

Goodbye for Now

by Kathy Trocolli

I can't believe that you're really gone now.

Seems like it's all just a dream

How can it be that the world would go on

When something has died within me

Leaves will turn, my heart will burn

With colors of you

Snow will fall, but I'll recall your warmth

Summer wind, breathing in your memory

I'll miss you

But there will be a time

When I'll see your face

And I'll hear your voice

And there we will laugh again

And there will come a day

When I'll hold you close

No More tears to cry

'Cause we'll have forever

But I'll say Goodbye for now

I can't imagine my life without you

You held a place all your own

Just knowing you were beneath the same sky

Oh what a joy I have known

On rainy days, in many ways

You'll water my heart

On starry nights I'll glmipse the light of your smile

Never far from my heart

You'll stay with me

So I'll wait...for now

Hey everyone!

Wahooo!

Just to 'formally announce', for anyone who doesn't know yet, that we found out this week that we are once again expecting! Our due date is July 23rd, 2007. That's the day after my brother Ali's birthday, the 204th day of the year, and 155 days till Christmas for all you Gregorian calendar fanatics. We are too delighted for words right now, while also a feeling a little trepidation, and hopes that the early stages go as they should. We (I say we, but Amy went through most of the uncomfortable stuff...) had our first appointment with Dr. Harrington in Pekin yesterday, and so far everything looks to be nicely in order, so thus far thus goodly.

Phew... July 23rd 2007 seems a long way away, but it's been nine months since we found out Amy was pregnant with Brian, and it certainly doesn't feel like that, unless I picture all the time I've spent working at Wal-Mart, in which case I feel like a very old man. Hehehe (cough, cough, wheeze).

Speaking of Brian, we feel that to find out now, in the week Brian was due, makes a wonderful circle to include him. The fact that our new due date is almost exactly a year after Brian was born, too, only adds to that feeling of timeliness. It was odd that when Amy and I first found out one of the things I wanted to do first was go look at our pictures of Brian and found myself mentally checking with him, in a way, to see if it was okay to feel excited. And in a very tangible sense I experienced the overwhelming feeling that he is part of this, and as excited for us as... well... us!

As I said, both of us -but Amy especially - are quite nervous at this point, so any prayers or good thoughts you send our way are welcome and very much appreciated. I'm thinking that when we lost Brian, we must have received support from every person who will be reading this blog right now, so from both of us to you, a huge thank-you. The love we felt from all of you helped bring us to where we are today, feeling so happy, and looking to the future.

And so the journey begins... :)

I hope you all voted.

Here's something to remind you why it's important:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkNX1rPEItk

This is a link to the funniest and cutest thing I've ever seen. You have to check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Bwi9GyTxPc