Sadness

Well, this sucks. It really does. I thought it was hard the first time I had to come home to an empty nursery, but this time it's even worse. Brian's death, to me, only made sense when I thought he was teaching us for next time. Now neither one makes sense and I have no direction. Every single thing reminds me of Sawyer . . .the stuff in the fridge that we bought because I wasn't supposed to be up for long periods of time when I was pregnant, so we got all kinds of snacky type stuff, microwave meals, and toaster waffles, stuff like that. All of his outfits . . .I keep thinking of them all the time, of him wearing them, of how hopeful we were when we picked them out. It feels like everywhere I go lately I see a dad with his 2 boys . . .that's the way things should be for us. People tell you not to get down or feel sorry for yourself, but I can't help it. I think I deserve to feel sorry for myself and my husband and all of our family. We needed Sawyer really badly, and even though I know he's okay, we're not. I miss him really, really bad.

I even miss going to the NICU. I started crying last night because I was eating Oreos and I remembered they had Oreo snack sticks in the NICU family room snack machine, and I was going to try them one day. I miss calling in the middle of the night to check up on him and make sure he's ok. I miss all the nurses and his doctors. But mostly, I miss him. I miss holding his hand, watching him wiggle, seeing his eyes open when I called to him. Every time we left, Jim and I gave him kisses to hold in the palm of his hand, so that if he got scared, he could just close his fist and feel our love. I miss doing that too.

People keep asking us where we're going from here . . .are we going to try again? Well, I don't know the answer to that. If we do try again, it will be years from now. I can't go through the loss (or even worry of loss) of another child. We are considering adoption in the future, but again, that will be at least a year or more. We had decided, after Sawyer was born, that we were not going to have any more of our own . . .he was enough. Now we don't know what we're going to do. We're not ready to stop thinking about our boys, and we're not emotionally able to move on yet. I'm also not going back to the daycare. How can I take care of other people's children when I can't even see my own? It breaks my heart.

I just keep cleaning the house. That's all I can think to do. Stay busy. I have gone over 48 hour stretches without sleep, then crash, then work some more. I have carried furniture by myself down 2 stories to the basment, moved around furniture . . .etc. That's aside from all the cleaning. I have converted the nursery into a craft/music/library room . . .along with memories of the 2 boys. It looks nice, but it still isn't the same without a crib and changing table and a baby to love.