Sunday, April 22, 2007

Purell and Other Considerations
We bought a bottle of Purell. Every time we went to visit Sawyer, we had to "scrub in" for 2 minutes (had to set a timer and use scrub-brushes and everything!) and then put Purell on our hands. Our son smelled like Purell because everything that touched him was covered in it. We bought it so we could smell it and smell him. It is crazy how much the alcoholy smell of it makes me see him so clearly and long for him so much.
Last night I stared at his picture for about half an hour. I realized again how beautiful he was. Brian was too, but I never got to watch him move and cry and open his eyes to look at me. I miss them both so badly. I stared at his face and wanted to get in the car, drive to the NICU, and sit with him more strongly than I ever have so far. It still feels to me like he should be there waiting for me, kicking his little legs and covering his tiny ears to block out the sounds of the beeping monitors.
I don't know where to go from here. Since February of 2006, my life has been about being a mother. Everything I have done was for my boys. I had surgery, I took off work, I bought everything a baby boy might need . . .and now I'm left with memories and nothing more. I get emails every day from baby resources--I had subscribed to all kinds of newsletters. I have to delete them . . .you're 26 weeks today! You're 27 weeks today! You're 28 weeks today! No . . .actually, I'm not pregnant, and my sons are both gone. So what can I do? I have no career aspirations, no goals, nothing. I have Jim. We want to get a house, but even that brings pain, because we wanted to buy a house for us and our boys. Now I just have emptiness and blankness and no purpose that I can think of. Other people try to suggest to me what I should or shouldn't be doing . . .try to help me with goals for the future. The only goal I had was to be a good mother for my boys. I would do anything to have them back again. Literally anything. I did everything I could to get them here, but it wasn't enough. I know it wasn't "my fault," but it was my body that failed them, so I can't help but feel like a failure. It feels like everyone is staring at me all the time. I've even had people ask me what I could have done to prevent this . . .as if I didn't do EVERYTHING in my power . . .and tell me that I can't have more kids because other people have gone through enough pain over our attempts to bring our children into this world. How's that for sensitivity?
So now I just wait for something new. I'll let you know when I figure out what it is.

4 comments:

Mrs Wibbs said...

I know you don't know me from Adam, but I've been visiting your site over the past few days...and just wanted to say to you both, that my heart grieves for you guys. I have experienced loss and bereavement too, but not the loss of a child in that way. I cannot begin to imagine how much pain you must be feeling at having lost two little ones!! All I can say to you right now is that you are very much in my thoughts and prayers. I'm praying especially that God would restore -and strengthen - your hope and trust in Him. He is with you and is carrying you, whether or not you can feel it. And believe it or not, His plans for you are for good, not for bad, because He loves you; He, also, grieves with you...
With much love
Rachel

A. Lin said...

I am here. I am reading your thoughts. I am praying for you. May God sustain you. (((((((Amy))))))) ((((Jim))))

Aunt Colleen said...

You have been so strong thru all of this, I would have fallen apart after Brian. Don't think about what others think. Don't ever feel like you can't have another child because of others. We all have faith in both of you being great parents when the time is right for you. We are all sad for the boys, but would be sadder had we not known them either. We will be just as excited if you decided to have another baby and deal with whatever comes with them. I love you and will always support you in any way possible. You are not nor will ever be failure as a mother you love both of those boys with all you heart and that's all any mom can do.

Krista Boston said...

Amy, I will pray for a Solomon wisdom for you and Jim. I know that God must have a purpose for all of this, and I know for sure that God has a purpose for you and Jim. Life is foggy right now for you, but soon the haze will lift and God's light will show you the way again. I have faith in you. As always, Nate and I will be praying for you two.