Our NICU Story

Every day in the NICU, I looked at the success collages on the wall, and dreamed of the day when we would make ours. I wanted SO BADLY to have a picture of the day he went home, then a picture of him at 1 year, 2 years, and so on. Instead, ours is one of the few collages where the baby didn't make it.

I suppose in many ways it is a success. I know we had 11 days with him. I still wanted it to be a lot longer. Anyway, here it is. It's a photo of photos, so it may not be that easy to see, but you can get the general idea. We took it in tonight, and shared tears with the nurses who cared for him. My parents are also providing coffee, tea, and hot chocolate to the families in the family waiting room, which I think is really nice. It was hard to go in, but actually, I expected to find him there . . .and what I found was a lot different than what I had thought. It felt like the life and spirit was gone. I'm sure every parent feels the same exact way, but when Sawyer was there, it seemed like home. It felt exciting and warm and alive. Now it just feels clinical, like a hospital, and not at all where we belong.

We are still so proud of Sawyer, and his collage will soon be hanging on the wall where it belongs, with all the other little fighters who have been through the NICU experience.

Jim wrote the message you can see in the collage. It was read at Sawyer's funeral, and we sent it to the NICU staff. Here is what it says:

The love of a parent is about doing anything you can for your child. But not all parents are medical professionals, and moms and dads need to sleep sometimes. The staff of the NICU are more than just nurses and doctors, they are the missing pieces: all the things a parents would be if they could.

From the moment he was conceived, we aimed to be the very best parents we could for Sawyer. We gave him all we could. The NICU staff provided those things we simply could not. They were our ears, listening for alarms in the night, and our eyes watching as he, and we slept. They were our hands, changing him, giving him the medicine he needed, moving him to ensure he was as comfortable as possible. And they made sure there was not a moment our boy did not know he was loved.

We want to thank them so very much for everything they did for Sawyer. Their efforts are part of our solace - knowing that his every ounce of fight was matched in equal measure by the doggedness, expertise and ingenuity of those caring for him.