The Burgoo

Tonight was a burgoo of emotion for me. For those of you not familiar with "burgoo" (ie you didn't go to Eureka College and go there to eat mozerella sticks) . . .it's a thick stew made with lots and lots of different stuff like corn, tomatoes, and even stuff like squirrel and racoon. It was often a community effort--people would bring what they had and throw it into a giant pot over an open fire. The gathering (picnic) where such a stew was served was also called a burgoo. I first heard the word when they named the student restaurant at EC "The Burgoo." ANYWAY . . .Joel and Sarah's wedding rehearsal was tonight. I felt really proud of them and I love Sarah so much, so that made me START crying. Then I remembered that my son should be a part of this all, and how for months we had planned for this day, and talked about how we would wait until a few weeks before to order my dress so he could fit in there with me, and how it might be hot and being 7 1/2 months pregnant might be difficult in that weather, etc. That made me cry harder. Then I looked over at Ashleigh, who looks cute and pregnant now, and I had to walk over to the lake and have some private time to weep. I also felt proud because Ashleigh asked me for lots of advice, but I felt empty because, while I could offer her advice and say, "When I was pregnant with Brian . . ." I couldn't look at my son or hold him. I was sad because her baby is due the first part of January, and so he/she would have only been 6-8 weeks younger than Brian, and they'd have grown up together. Then I missed Jim, who had to be home sleeping, and wished he could be there to give me a hug and take care of me. Then I went to get him for the dinner and about halfway through, we both kinda cheered up, then we came home and had some "together" time, and it was lovely . . .so I am now sitting here feeling this whole "burgoo" of feeling, but happy to be me and to feel things so deeply. Today at work I stood over Alex's crib (a baby boy we have who I love and wanted to have a son because I thought he was so precious) and wept to watch him sleeping there. I ached for my son, and wanted to watch him sleep, perfect and amazing and vulnerable and real. But I also realized how lucky I am to be one of the people in this world to feel things so ACUTELY, and even luckier to be married to someone who feels things just as deeply. Someone who can weep at the beauty of a sunset, or lie in awe, watching the stars overhead.

Wish me luck at the wedding tomorrow. My face has decided to produce one gigantic chin zit, so it's off to WalMart with Jim when he goes to work in a few minutes here so that I can get something to try to fix/help it. Oh, and pray for NO rain, as the wedding is outdoors. :)