Thursday, August 17, 2006

So . . .I'm sorry for my post-traumatic-stress rantings. I can tell (from lack of responses) that it makes people uncomfortable, and that is totally understandable. I decided a while ago to be more honest about how I was feeling about losing Brian, but I also know that it's difficult to deal with for others sometimes, so . . .forgive me. It's more difficult than ever now, and I don't quite know why. I think perhaps at first I was in shock and had bursts of extreme grief. Then it became waves of sorrow, and now I feel buried under those waves. I guess it's a process one must go through, but I hope against all hope no one else has to. It's also harder because Jim is working nights, so I have a lot of lonely hours with no one to comfort me, and he's so good at doing that. The one person I feel like clinging onto for dear life has to leave me, and while I know it's what we must do . . .it is still rough for me. I just got him here in February, we got pregnant in February, married in April, and lost our child in July. It's been a very eventful, very strange, high and low six months. Continue to pray for us both. Someone at work told me, "It's way harder for a mother." Well . . .make no mistake, that is completely untrue. It's just as hard for Jim. In SOME ways it's harder for me . . .such as the fact of the physical loss of part of me . . .but in some ways it's harder for him. He feels like he has to be strong and take care of me, but he's hurting so much too. He designed and painted the entire nursery, completed 2 days before he lost his first son. All the coats of paint and sweat and frustration and joy that went into that room represented his love, and . . .well, that's not easy for me to even think about. On our website you can see his smile right after he finished, and that says it all. Just keep us both in your thoughts. We could really use some prayer warriors right now.

Pray for me also, that I will be able to redirect my current anger into something more positive. I feel so much despair sometimes that I am afraid for myself. I don't know who to direct the anger at, so most often I direct it at God. Then, being the obsessive-compulsive that I am, I get scared that God won't give me another child because I'm mad at Him. WHICH, I realize, I am really not . . .but kind of . . .etc. So just pray for me as I try to deal with these new feelings of rage.

In other news . . .not only is April pregnant, but Keith and Ashleigh are expecting. She is 17 weeks along (whoah!) They just announced it to the family last night, so pray for their little one and the days of planning that are ahead for them. Pray for April too. She had some complications with her first pregnancy, so just pray that this time things will go smoothly, but that no matter what, her baby will be healthy and safe.

Love to you all. . .

1 comment:

April said...

Amy... Jeez. Please don't feel you ever have to apologize for sharing these things with the people who love you. I'm sorry I didn't get back to your blog yesterday or today to read this stuff and know that these hurts were on your heart.
BOTH you and Jim are in our prayers. Dennis has talked about how difficult it is to be the outside participant in a pregnancy. Men don't have the advantage of getting to spend 24 hours a day with their little ones before they arrive. I think that can be a terrible burden when something goes wrong. Every night I pray that God will bless you both with peace. I also pray for another little one for you.
And though I know this is too long already, it's ok to be mad at God. God can handle it. It's also ok to be frustrated and even upset at those of us who are going on this journey that you were supposed to be enjoying. We can handle it, too!
THANK YOU so much for the prayers, my friend. It means SO much to me that, even in the midst of your pain, we are still in your heart. Love you,
April