Well . . .here we go! I have mild toxemia. Possibly. I had been noticing some serious swelling in my feet, but chalked it up to normal pregnancy issues. Then yesterday, my feet and ankles got HUGE, and I mean huge. My hands and fingers started to swell, as well as my face. I had some pain on my right side under the ribs. I looked this up online and saw that it could be toxemia (also known as preeclampsia). So I had Jim take my blood pressure, and it was pretty high for me--the top number was like 144. I called Dr. H and he told me to go to Methodist, where I will be delivering, and have them check everything out. They took several blood pressures, which were all high. However, my labs were normal and my urine was normal. The doctor said it was a "matter of time" before the labs and urine would start to be affected. They spoke to Dr. H again and he said I could go home. The doctor at Methodist told me to come back in the morning at 10:00 to see Dr. H, who would be the doctor on duty.

Last night, Jim took my blood pressure a couple more times after I'd rested, and it was picture perfect. So we started wondering if I really was toxemic or not. This morning, he took it again before I got up, and it was perfect. When we got to the hopsital, they took several readings over the course of an hour, and all were perfect. The baby was healthy on the NST, so they sent me home. I need to go back to see Dr. H on Monday.

I have a feeling that, if anything, this is a mild case. The doctor last night painted a very grave picture about how quickly it could get "bad." However, I read online that mild toxemia can be controlled with rest, and seeing as how after rest my bp readings were great . . .well, I'm not a doctor, but I did speak to several of the nurses at Methodist today about it, and they thought I could still make it to the C-section date of 38 weeks if I take it easy between now and then. They said the doctor who happened to be there last night was a very serious doctor who took everything to its most extreme. Which is FINE with me. I'd rather that than they miss something or send me home and something goes wrong.

So now I am not supposed to work, and I'm supposed to be resting 16 of every 24 hours. If I am up, I should still be sitting down. If I do go somewhere, like say out to dinner or to WalMart, it should be for a short period, and then I need to lay down when I get home. The only place I really plan to go is to the doctor and to my baby shower, and even then, I plan to sit with my feet up the whole time! I want to make sure we get Amelie as far as we can before her arrival--but I am actually feeling pretty positive because at this point, she will be okay even if she is born tomorrow. She may have a few minor issues, but they can be dealt with and she will make it. Either way, sometime within the next 3 weeks, we will get to meet our baby girl! We would appreciate your prayers, just to be sure that this toxemia thing doesn't turn into something more serious and my blood pressure stays under control.

Mother Teresa's Final Analysis

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered; forgive them anyway.


If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.


If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you; be honest and sincere anyway.


What you spend years creating, others may destroy overnight; create anyway.


If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous; be happy anyway.


The good you do today will often be forgotten; do good anyway.


Give the best you have, and it may never be enough; give your best anyway.


In the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway.

Well, baby girl is kicking like the next karate kid lately. I love it! It's so much fun now . . .you can actually see my entire belly move when she does! She is so big . . she measures about 3-4 weeks ahead on sonograms, and about 6 weeks ahead with the uterus measurements. I just hope she fits into all the newborn clothes I bought for her! But I am glad she is big and growing well. The next few weeks are going to go sloooow! I am loving the weather, though. That will make the wait a little bit easier. We are happy to wait--obviously we want her to go full term--but we also are very excited to meet her, so we want the remaining time to move by quickly (as if)!

Please keep my friend April and her baby Emmeliese in your prayers. Emmeliese was born last Tuesday (the 10th). She was born full term, but had some problems with oxygen saturation and a rapid heartbeat. She also was born with an infection. She is currently in the level 2 NICU nursery with a PICC line for antibiotic treatment. She was jaundiced, but recently came off the bili lights. Overall she is doing really well. She is having some trouble with nursing, but other than that, seems to be progressing quite nicely towards coming home soon! Just keep them in your prayers. It is hard for any parent to have to leave their child in the hospital. We are just rejoicing that it won't be long before little Emmeliese will be able to join her family at home.

Clairsentient

Feeling is your sixth sense. Called clairsentient (clear feeling), your inner voice is one that touches on your empathetic nature. What does this mean? Well, you're probably the most emotional of your friends and you are very in touch with the feelings of others. As a clairsentient, you often know something is wrong because you experience an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach (or the opposite for good things). It might be that your friend has had a bad day--but hasn't told anyone--and somehow you just know what's going on. Often this type of intuitive knowledge cannot be explained. We bet you've got a bunch of friends, and who wouldn't want a friend that just knows without being told...especially on those bad days.

Holding Space for Others: Being A Container

We have all been called upon at one time or another to help a loved one through a difficult time. When the help required consists of concrete actions, such as running errands or making phone calls, we know what to do. But sometimes we are called simply to hold space for the person as they go through whatever they need to go through. They may need to express anger or grief; they may need to talk or be silent. They may need us to hold their hand; they may need us to give them time alone. Whatever the case, when we hold space for someone, we offer ourselves up as a container for the overwhelming feelings they may be encountering due to their circumstances.

When we offer ourselves in this way, the more centered and grounded we are, the better. Our steadiness allows our companion to lean into us for support, as our presence provides an environment in which they can be free to move. We can also help by being responsive, allowing them to dictate the flow of action from talking to not talking, from anger to grief, and back again. By being aware and open, we can help them confront their feelings when that feels right, and back off from them when they need a break. Holding space requires humility, conscientiousness, and the ability to step out of the way, to honestly understand that this is not about us.

When we love someone in this way, we provide a space in which they can simply be. Able to feel what they need to feel without worrying about how they are being perceived. We can provide this offering in person, over the phone, or even from a distance, through meditation. However we do it, when we hold space for someone in need, we are offering a gift of the highest nature.

C-Section is Scheduled!!!

April 21 at 7:30 in the morning at Methodist Medical Center. Hooray!!!

And, as a friend reminded me today . . .

I Choose Love

Tonight while we were watching the Academy Awards, something was said that struck both Jim and I . . .and I just wanted to post it, for others to see, yes, but also for me to remember. The man who won an award for best original song (from Slumdog Millionaire) said:

"I had a choice between hate and love. I chose love. And I am here."

I Choose Happiness

Today I am 30 weeks pregnant. The "most pregnant" I made it to before today was 23 weeks 6 days with Sawyer. He was not quite "viable" (24 weeks) . . .and now, my daughter is over 3 lbs. and can breathe air, and . . .is a miracle. Truly a miracle. I'm still doing really well. Physically, my cervix is nearly 5 cm long and Amelie is measuring several weeks larger than the "norm." I couldn't be more excited to meet her, which is making these last few weeks go reaaaaaallllyyyy slowly. But it's worth it. I would do another 30 weeks if I had to, just to make sure she arrived safely. (Don't get me wrong, though--I am SUPER excited that it's only 8 more!)

Also, today I got a message from a really good friend of mine from college. She has cancer. She had a complete hysterectomy and has been going through chemo and radiation. She is a really spirited, positive person who has always made me feel good about myself. She lifts me up, she brings joy into my life, and she has always appreciated me for who I am (and vice versa). It really scared me and broke my heart for her when I found out she was "sick," but I KNEW she would beat it. If anyone in the world could beat cancer, it's her. She is such a strong person, and I admire her so much. Right now, she has gotten PET scan results that the cancer is gone. I continue to pray for her every day and am just waiting, as I told her today, until all of this is just a distant memory.

After all she's been through, this friend had written to tell me she would be honored to throw a shower for me and Amelie. I can't tell you what it meant to have her make this offer. She said it would be a lot of fun and can't wait to do it.

I'm so glad she reminded me of the good in my life. I have friends who love me, who bring light and joy into my life, and who are always there for me. I am lucky. Not everyone has the kind of friends I have, and I need to appreciate them and enjoy the time I have with them. Life is short, and I thank God for bringing such wonderful people into my life.

I have a family who is supportive, always there for me, and has loved my children and husband uncoditionally. They mean the world to me.

I am also blessed with the best husband in the world. He loves me unconditionally, is always there for me, and is truly the best person I have ever met in my life. He is an amazing person. He spends his days taking care of people who are on their way out of this world, and he does it with grace and compassion, giving them dignity in the most difficult time of their (and their family's) lives. I could not be more proud that he is not only my partner, but the father of my children.

And Amelie. What could be more important? I have a beautiful little girl on the way, who I love with all my heart, and who SO MANY people have prayed for, wished for, hoped for . . .and are ready with open arms to welcome into the world. Nothing is better than that.

For those without Facebook or MySpace, here are some pictures of Amelie's nursery!

Wow--it's been awhile since I blogged. Can I say, without it seeming totally insane, that it's because everything is . . .well . . .normal?

It is.

So far, my cervix has held "tight as a drum" (Dr. H's words last week) and has never been measured below 3.5. Sometimes it's almost 5. There has not been the slightest hint of a contraction. Nothing abnormal.

I am pretty much set on making it to the scheduled C-section without a hitch. Of course, I'm certainly not naive. I know what it's like to have lost my first two children. But this time, it's just different. Each week during my pregnancy with Sawyer, it seems like there was just more and more bad news, fear, and anxiety. This time, each week brings reassurance and joy.

But I must be honest here and I do want to talk about one thing. Mostly because I think other mothers who have lost a child will be able to benefit from hearing that it's OKAY to still mourn the loss of your other child(ren) when you are having another. I love Amelie with all my heart and soul. That will never change. I also loved Brian and Sawyer with all my heart and soul, and THAT will never change. She will be loved equally as much as her brothers, but she won't replace them. They will always be missed.

Which leads me to my point: every bit of happiness with this pregnancy is tinged with a bit of sorrow. Every time I get good news about how well things are going, I feel overjoyed . . .yet sometimes I go home and cry, because I wish with ALL MY HEART things could have been the same for our boys. Amelie deserves to have her brothers here as much as we deserve to have our sons with us. I miss them so much.

For awhile, I felt guilty about these feelings, but then I realized that it has nothing to do with Amelie. My feelings about her and her health and happiness are always there. Yet at the same time, so is my sorrow that my boys couldn't have that same health and happiness.

When I found out she was a girl, at first it shook me up! I had no preference (I never have cared either way) . . .but I had been in "boy mode" for years! I had boxes and closets full of boy clothes, toys, blankets, and boy stuff in general. All of a sudden, my whole world was turned upside down at the thought of having a girl. I felt guilt over this too, until I realized that, again, it had nothing to do with my love for Amelie, or my desire to meet and love and raise our little girl. It just meant that for a long, long time, my heart had been geared towards having a son. It was a refocusing for me. It also meant the realization that Brian and Sawyer were really . . .well, gone. I had to let go a little bit more, all over again. While I knew that no one would ever replace them, watching a little boy grow up was what I had dreamed of for them, so I guess part of me felt that it would be like seeing them "live on" through their brother. Now I feel like Amelie will have two of the bravest, strongest, sweetest big brothers watching over her from Heaven, and nothing could bring me more comfort than that. She will know how her brothers paved the way for her safe birth into this world . . .and she will always know THEIR love as well as ours.

I just want to reassure those other moms who will have their dream come true one day too . . .it is OKAY to go through any emotion you need to regarding your children who passed away. It doesn't mean you aren't happy for the birth of your next child, and it doesn't take anything away from the love you have for them. It is a strange and difficult thing to describe, especially to people who might not understand, but that's okay. I understand, and if you need to talk, you know where to find me.


And now, through it all, I am overwhelmed with love for this special, sweet baby girl. I cry when I imagine her birth . . .can't imagine what I'll actually be like on the day! I have longed for a child to fill these arms for so long, and she is our miracle. I thank God for her every single day, and for all He has done to bring her to us safely.

"For this child I have prayed."
~First Samuel, 1:27

Quick Update--I had an appointment today to check my cervix, and everything looks great!

THANK YOU! (and clarification)

Hey--just wanted to thank everybody for their support and all the sweet comments. :) It means a lot to both of us!

I also wanted to clarify something about her name very quickly. I have had a lot of notes from people who say, "I love the name Amelia." I just wanted to point out that I didn't misspell--it is actually AmeliE (e on the end, not a). It is similar to Amelia . . .Amelia being the German, and Amelie the French.

Many people have also asked me how we will pronounce it. It is ah-muh-lee.

Just wanted to make sure I clarified so everyone would know what her name actually is and how to pronounce it. Thanks, everybody! We are so lucky to have such great, supportive friends in our lives. Now, if I can just make it through the next THREE WEEKS without anything happening to my cervix, I think it should be smooth sailing from then on.

Introducing . . .

Amelie Jane Rennie

Our third child

Our first daughter

Waving Hello!

We found out today that we are, as previously suspected, having a girl. We are obviously overjoyed. We didn't mind what gender she was--but we did want to know! We are so lucky to be able to bond with her in this way . . .and we loved that we were able to do the same with our boys before they were ever born. As the ultrasound tech moved the transducer over my belly, I just sobbed . . .even before they told me the gender . . .because I could see her moving all around, looking so beautiful, and it just gets my heart! I could watch her all day! She was so funny--she spent much of the session doing "gymnastics" (the tech said we should sign her up right away for lessons)! She had her feet OVER the top of her head most of the time, and kept rubbing her eyes with her little fists. She also did a bit of a pelvic thrust dance maneuver that cracked us up. She was gorgeous, and we couldn't be prouder to have Brian and Sawyer's little sister on her way!

The "feet-over-head" position she was enjoying today.

Doesn't it look like she's blowing bubbles in this picture? hehe

She looked like she was getting sleepy.

People keep emailing me for updates, which made me realize it's been awhile, so I thought I'd let you all know that everything is going great! I had an appointment on Wednesday to get my p17 shot. I was feeling nervous because I've been feeling very achy and heavy in my pelvic area and inner thighs. I asked the nurse if it was normal, and she seemed a little concerned and said it could be, but she would rather have me see the doctor to be sure.

So of course, I got really worried. I convinced myself that everything was going wrong again. I can still remember during the last pregnancy when I was first told I was "funneling" and there wasn't anything I could really do about it. It was so terrifying. I was really upset and sat crying while I waited in the sono room.

Dr. Harrington checked the cervix without really saying anything, which scared me too. When doctors are overly quiet it makes me nervous! Eventually he finished and started asking me about the heaviness and cramping. Finally, he told me that with a "normal" woman, he would say it was just normal pregnancy aches and pains, but with someone like me (given my history), he wanted to be sure.

So FINALLY he told me my cervix was still long and thick, and I was not dilated at all. What a relief! Everything looks great, so apparently what I am feeling is normal! I also heard from some of the other moms at abbyloopers (a website exclusively for women with a TAC) that it is something most of them have experienced--seems to go hand in hand with incompetent cervix and TAC. I don't mind as long as the baby stays put!!!! I can handle anything as long as he or she gets here safely!

Speaking of the "he/she" thing . . .we have another high-level with Dr. Egley on Tuesday, so hopefully after that I will be able to FINALLY announce whether or not it's a boy or a girl. :) Fingers crossed baby behaves and shows what he/she's got!

I am almost 20 weeks. Within 4 weeks, I will officially be the most pregnant I've ever been. During my pregnancy with Sawyer, I was already on bedrest and funneled, so I feel really happy that nothing has changed so far, and at this point, we are as close to a "normal" pregnancy as I can get! Keep us in your prayers, as this next 3 1/2 weeks are the real scary weeks for me. If we can make it to 25 weeks, I think each week after that will be more and more smooth sailing.

BTW, I wrote to Dr. Haney (I write to him about once every two weeks or so, either with updates or questions) and here is part of what he replied:

"I am delighted that you are progressing well and it will be no time until you are in the third trimester and anticipating your C-section. Your anxieties will be much less the second time around when you have absolute confidence. Good luck."
A.F. Haney

USCIS TRIP TO NAPERVILLE

About a week ago, I was wishing that Jim and I could "get away" for an overnight trip, as we sometimes enjoy doing. It's nice to stay in a hotel (I have always loved it!) and be somewhere different, and feels like a mini-vacation. Well, the exact same day I was mentioning to a friend of mine how I wanted to do that, Jim got a notification from the USCIS that he had to go to Naperville to get biometrics. This is because he has just applied to have the conditions lifted on his permanent residency. Never mind the fact that he already did this two years ago (do fingerprints change??) . . .that's okay. It gave us the excuse we needed to get away!

We stayed about a mile from the biometrics office in Naperville's Staybridge Suites. We LOVED the hotel! It was clean and very nicely decorated. Our room was huge, and had a fridge, stove, microwave, sink, dishwasher, dishes, cable, HBO, DVD player . . .a couch, a desk, and a great view! On top of that, we knew that we would get "light Hors D'oeuvres" on Thursday night. This consisted of: mashed potatoes, gravy, turkey, sweet potatoes, really nice green salad, corn, biscuits, and breadsticks. This was served buffet style, all you could eat, and also included limitless wine (5 different kinds), beer (Miller Light and Samuel Adams Winter Lager), and soda (including iced tea, Powerade, and lemonade). Now, while I clearly couldn't take advantage of the beer or wine, I was still impressed by the offering, and Jim had a glass of pinot grigio . . .and when we go back next summer (which we've already planned to do!) I will certainly enjoy a small glass of wine. :)

That night we drove downtown to see the Christmas window displays at Macy's. It was a lot of fun, though we were a little confused by the window theme. I can't really describe it, except to say that it was like . . .little fairy-type creatures (kind of looked like Thing 1 and Thing 2) who made Christmas stuff out of Chicago . . .like bubblegum using bubbles from Lake Michigan. ?? Your guess is as good as mine. The poems were bizarre and did little to shed any light on the whole thing. But we had a great time and are glad we went! The only glitch was that I am pregnant, and a pregnant woman has to pee . . .a lot. So even though I peed several times before we left, I had to go REALLY BAD when we got there, and it being Thanksgiving, EVERYTHING WAS CLOSED!!!! And the people we asked for help we SOOOOO friendly (note the sarcasm). The clerk in the parking garage looked at me as though I were the dirtiest, most disgusting piece of human crap she'd ever seen and shook her head with a vengeance. hahaha Needless to say, I was relieved when we found a Walgreen's store open on the way back.

The next morning we enjoyed a huge full breakfast of waffles, oatmeal, cold cereal, omelets, bacon, sausage, hash browns, biscuits, gravy, donuts, muffins, bagels, toast, hard-boiled eggs, various fruit, yogurt, and various fruit juices. Yummmmy. We also discovered the hotel had a really nice pool, hot tub, and exercise room, along with FREE washers and dryers for guests! We debated for about 2 hours about going to the Brookfield Zoo. We had decided to go, when I started to feel a little heavy and crampy . . .which is "normal" (apparently) for this stage of pregnancy, but for someone like me, it's hard to know what normal is, and so we decided to take it easy instead. We agreed that the Brookfield trip will be another thing we do when we stay next summer, as well as Shedd Aquarium, The Field Museum of Natural History, The Museum of Science and Industry, and The Art Institute of Chicago. Looks like we'll have to stay for a week!

So instead of going to the zoo, we settled for coffee and reading at Borders, followed by a painful excursion into a parking lot . . .see, we forgot it was "Black Friday" (shuddering) and decided to go out for lunch at a Cajun place. So we turned into a mall parking lot at 12:50 PM, realizing instantly it was a mistake. They had traffic cones blocking off the turn we needed to take, because they wanted all traffic to move in a gigantic circle around the mall. There were very frustrated traffic cops at every intersection, and people literally (for real!) crashing their cars into each other, all trying to get the BEST DEAL! The circle was 2 lanes wide on each side. Well, we travelled all the way around, could not get over to the turning lane to get to the restaurant we wanted, passed the point where we needed to turn to get out of the lot because no one would let us over STILL, continued in another half-circle before FINALLY we caught a break and were able to get over . . .and turned out of the parking lot at 1:20 p.m. THIRTY minutes and several near-crashes later, we finally were free. I'm not even going to get started on how I feel about the way most people behave on "Black Friday" because this blog would never end. We ended up stopping about 20 miles further on our route at a place called Johnny Rockets, which was like an old-fashioned diner. We arrived home at dusk to pick up our whiny little Beagle from the kennel. And I say whiny only because it's very cute the way she whines when we get her . . .like, "How COULD you??" All the way home, we ask her about various favorite pursuits of hers, such as, "You want to see Sammy???" (our cat) and she howls hysterically.

All in all, we had a wonderful time and a little trip away from home was just what the doctor ordered. Now, back to reality. *sigh*



I had to post this, just so Jim's family could see what a dork he still is! hahaha

Our Christmas Dance

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