Friday, January 16, 2009

Wow--it's been awhile since I blogged. Can I say, without it seeming totally insane, that it's because everything is . . .well . . .normal?

It is.

So far, my cervix has held "tight as a drum" (Dr. H's words last week) and has never been measured below 3.5. Sometimes it's almost 5. There has not been the slightest hint of a contraction. Nothing abnormal.

I am pretty much set on making it to the scheduled C-section without a hitch. Of course, I'm certainly not naive. I know what it's like to have lost my first two children. But this time, it's just different. Each week during my pregnancy with Sawyer, it seems like there was just more and more bad news, fear, and anxiety. This time, each week brings reassurance and joy.

But I must be honest here and I do want to talk about one thing. Mostly because I think other mothers who have lost a child will be able to benefit from hearing that it's OKAY to still mourn the loss of your other child(ren) when you are having another. I love Amelie with all my heart and soul. That will never change. I also loved Brian and Sawyer with all my heart and soul, and THAT will never change. She will be loved equally as much as her brothers, but she won't replace them. They will always be missed.

Which leads me to my point: every bit of happiness with this pregnancy is tinged with a bit of sorrow. Every time I get good news about how well things are going, I feel overjoyed . . .yet sometimes I go home and cry, because I wish with ALL MY HEART things could have been the same for our boys. Amelie deserves to have her brothers here as much as we deserve to have our sons with us. I miss them so much.

For awhile, I felt guilty about these feelings, but then I realized that it has nothing to do with Amelie. My feelings about her and her health and happiness are always there. Yet at the same time, so is my sorrow that my boys couldn't have that same health and happiness.

When I found out she was a girl, at first it shook me up! I had no preference (I never have cared either way) . . .but I had been in "boy mode" for years! I had boxes and closets full of boy clothes, toys, blankets, and boy stuff in general. All of a sudden, my whole world was turned upside down at the thought of having a girl. I felt guilt over this too, until I realized that, again, it had nothing to do with my love for Amelie, or my desire to meet and love and raise our little girl. It just meant that for a long, long time, my heart had been geared towards having a son. It was a refocusing for me. It also meant the realization that Brian and Sawyer were really . . .well, gone. I had to let go a little bit more, all over again. While I knew that no one would ever replace them, watching a little boy grow up was what I had dreamed of for them, so I guess part of me felt that it would be like seeing them "live on" through their brother. Now I feel like Amelie will have two of the bravest, strongest, sweetest big brothers watching over her from Heaven, and nothing could bring me more comfort than that. She will know how her brothers paved the way for her safe birth into this world . . .and she will always know THEIR love as well as ours.

I just want to reassure those other moms who will have their dream come true one day too . . .it is OKAY to go through any emotion you need to regarding your children who passed away. It doesn't mean you aren't happy for the birth of your next child, and it doesn't take anything away from the love you have for them. It is a strange and difficult thing to describe, especially to people who might not understand, but that's okay. I understand, and if you need to talk, you know where to find me.

And now, through it all, I am overwhelmed with love for this special, sweet baby girl. I cry when I imagine her birth . . .can't imagine what I'll actually be like on the day! I have longed for a child to fill these arms for so long, and she is our miracle. I thank God for her every single day, and for all He has done to bring her to us safely.

"For this child I have prayed."
~First Samuel, 1:27


Div said...

Hi Amy,
This is Divya from Peoria. How are you doing? Did you get to see Dr. Egley again. I heard he was out of town for a conference. I was thinking about you when nurse told me that he was out of town.
Take care

Jim and Amy Rennie said...

Hey--how are you doing? Yes, I got to see him. They told me he was going to be gone, and my appt. was for the day he got back! :) How did your appt. go?