Monday, June 11, 2007

My Miracle

Oh, my . . .I feel like last night and on into this evening, I hit an all-time low, even for me. I've dealt with a lot of pain, anxiety, and depression in my life, but this was rock bottom.
I could describe all of my feelings, but I have done so before. It's really nothing new. I just miss my boys.

I ended up in the pool, floating around on my back, watching the stars.

There is a poem that meant a lot to Jim and I when we lost Brian, and then again after Sawyer's death. Here is the part we love:

from "First Lesson"
by Philip Booth
As you float now, where I held you
and let go, remember when fear
cramps your heart what I told you:
lie gently and wide to the light-year
stars, lie back, and the sea will hold you.

As I drifted around in the pool, I thought about this poem. I remembered whispering to Sawyer that he had fought long enough and hard enough, and there was no shame in resting. I told him it was okay to close his eyes and let go, and he did. I told him the words of this poem, from my heart to his.

Now, as I drift in that pool, I imagine it must be much what it was like for my boys when they died. At least that's what I'd like to think. Just them drifting silently, closer and closer, until they were able to reach out and touch those stars . . .and then being picked up by angels and taken to Heaven.

Tonight I have been sad again. I might go swimming and watch the stars, and think of my boys. I just went outside with my dog. I looked up and began to talk to Sawyer and Brian, and as I was telling them how much I loved them, a shooting star streaked across the sky.

Some people might say it was just a coincidence, a scientific phenomena, easy to explain, but to me, it was a miracle . . .my boys, calling back to me from their home in the skies.

And it was enough for me.


A. Lin said...

I would not call that shooting star a coincidence either.

Colleen said...

I think it was a twinkle in their eyes, winking down on you saying we are OK Mommy.

April said...

It sounds Godsent to me, dearest. It's a beautiful poem, btw.