A Good Night

All things considered, it's been a good night.

First of all, I do want to address a few things regarding my blog. This has been my cleansing tool. It's been a way for me to say all the things I want to say about my boys. I clearly can't walk around all day long saying them, so I write them here. I have always been a writer, in that it is the most spiritual, most effective way for me to deal with my emotions. If someone reading my blogs felt that I was miserable 24/7, they would be wrong, and perhaps it is because I have given the wrong impression, or not been clear about my motives.

I have a lot of "normalcy" in my life. I read books, I take walks, I go swimming . . .I watch tv and movies, I hang out with family and friends. I smile a lot. I have fun. If I haven't focused on those things in the blog, it's because I have primarily used this space as a way to deal with the "other" emotions . . .the ones that need expressing, but can't always find the proper place and time. I never meant to convey my life as a completely bleak existence. I have seriously considered writing a book, and perhaps it is time to start. I have found myself, in the past, apologizing for writing about my grief. People encouraged me to continue doing it, so I did. And I genuinely mean it when I say I have tried to help others. I haven't tried to be an inspirational wellspring, or a counselor, but I have tried to be honest. It's not easy to expose your heart, but I did so because the last thing I wanted to hear were fake niceties after losing the boys. I figured others might feel the same way, and just want to read honest emotions. After losing Brian, I discovered several other womens' blogs that were raw and emotional, and those were the ones that helped me the most. I still feel some of what I've written has been helpful, because people have told me so. They help me as well, by being honest about their grief and not pretending or using cliches, like "time heals all wounds," or "every cloud has a silver lining." I don't pretend to be a self-help guru or any such thing. I don't think I'm better than anyone else. I just tell the truth about my experience, and that's the best I can do. Helping myself heal and trying to help others aren't mutually exclusive . . .I have written as an emotional healing journey just as much as I have done so to reach out to others, and to be reached out to.

It has only been 2 1/2 months since Sawyer died, and I am still processing everything . . .and I have used this little corner of the web to do it. I never intended to bring anyone down, hurt anyone, lash out at anyone, or be "angry" or hateful toward anyone. Those were the furthest things from my mind. I do sincerely apologize if anyone has taken offense to anything I've written. They haven't been directed towards anyone who reads this blog, and I have tried to point that out repeatedly, but maybe it always needs reminding. I appreciate all the people who would even take the time to read my thoughts, let alone respond to them. So thank you all, and I really will try to write about the good times more often as well.

So . . .about my night. I got a message from the manager at CVS in Washington. He wants to interview me. I am excited--it's the one place I applied that I thought would actually be quite fun! They have good wages and benefits as well. That's always a plus. So . . .wish me luck!

Also, I am going to look at an apartment while Jim is at his class tomorrow morning. It sounds promising. It's tiny, but very affordable, which is what we're looking for at the moment.

The reason we've decided to rent (not buy) is that we had a long talk the other night about our goals for life. We want to start living again, feeling better, doing things that will help us to make progress. One of the main things we have dreamed of for a long time now is moving to the Northwest . . .either Washington or Oregon. So we decided to work our butts off for the next year and save as much as we possibly can, then move! We are really serious about planning this and trying to make it happen within the next year or so. We're very excited about it--we're already looking up places we might be interested in, staring at pictures and maps, looking up average temperatures, etc. :)

So . . .again, wish us luck with everything. Hopefully within the next 2 weeks we'll have new jobs and be in a new place! That will be a start!

Beyond that, I have been walking for exercise, trying to eat better, taking care of my skin, and swimming/tanning a lot. I decided after those posts that I am responsible for my self-image, and I am the one who will have to change it, so I have begun a daily routine. We'll see how long it lasts. ;)