Tuesday, June 26, 2007

The Headstone

I've been talking a lot to Jim about the whole criticism incident of the last few days. As you can see, I erased the blogs in question, simply because they were wallowing and self-indulgent. I freely admit this, and I'm not ashamed of my feelings. Everyone feels worthless and a failure every so often. It's okay to go through and experience all of those emotions. However, it's not worth it to me to get criticized for such feelings by people hiding behind the mask of anonymity. I have a feeling the comment was written by someone who knows me, and I think I know who it was. I can't say it didn't hurt me . . .but then I'm not supposed to express hurt, am I? That means I'm "lashing out." :) Anyway, the person was right in a few things. I am depressed, and I do need help (although, if they really cared about helping me, they were certainly insensitive about expressing that). However, if my "husband, parents, and family" are there for me, why shouldn't I lean on them? I would help them . . .in fact, I'd do anything for them, and they know it. If they don't want to help me, then I don't expect it. Perhaps the comments were written by a family member who felt guilty because they thought there was some sort of perceived expectation there? I don't know. I really hope not, because that would break my heart. I thought I knew everyone who read this blog, and wasn't aware that anyone was a "lurker" here. Nonetheless, I don't expect anything from anyone, but I welcome people's comfort and advice when it is freely given, and I appreciate my husband, parents, and family for all they have done to be there for me. I just hope the comments weren't written by someone in my family who resents the help I've needed. As far as counseling, I am looking into that possibility. However, I think it is very healthy that I am able to write about my feelings. To me, it is the same as counseling (and I've spent years in counseling, so I say this with knowledge and experience). I am able to purge those feelings rather than let them sit inside my mind, festering away. It is healthier for me to get out the hurts I feel, whether they are valid to others or not. It was actually counseling that taught me the journaling technique, and taught me to be honest at all times about my feelings. Aside from all of this . . .no one can "fix me." Not my family, not a counselor. I can learn to go on, try to move forward, and I can get better, but unless someone can bring my children back, they can't "fix it." So no, I can't find a way to "fix myself," nor can anyone else do it for me. I never criticized anyone else, never "lashed out" at anyone, and I don't deserve to be accused of that, even if everything else was true. Long winded, sorry. I just hate the idea that now I must censor my own blog to avoid being hurt by my anonymous friend again. From now on, I would hope that this person would have the courage to speak to me honestly and openly . . .they say no one is being honest with me, but neither are they, because they are afraid to talk to me. I am more than willing to discuss these things, but not when I don't even know who I'm talking to.

Ok . . . the end! Now the news!

The apartment hunting was . . .well, rather fruitless. The apartment in Roanoke was about the size of our living room. Then I spent 4 hours driving around Eureka, to find only one apartment, rented by a rather creepy man, furnished with furniture from 1952. It was hideous and tiny. And expensive. So . . .we keep looking!

We got home to a pleasant surprise. The boys' headstone was up! We usually drive through the cemetery every day, and hadn't had a chance to yet (it was about 3:30). My mom came upstairs to let us know that she'd driven through and it was there.

So we finished up eating our lunch and took the camera up to the cemetery. We were both very pleased with the results. The stone is beautiful. It's very small, which to us is perfect, because they were such tiny baby boys. It's simple, and it's elegant, and it really is a wonderful memorial to their little lives. It was a rainy and gray afternoon, but we took some pictures so you could see.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'M NOT SURE WHAT HAPPENED B/C I DIDN'T READ THE BLOG YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, AND NOONE HAS THE RIGHT TO CRITICIZE YOU OR THE WAY YOU ARE GRIEVING. AS LONG AS WHAT YOU ARE DOING ISN'T SELF DESTRUCTIVE THEN YOU DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO TO GET THROUGH THIS. I DOUBT THAT THE PERSON WHO WROTE WHAT THEY DID ( I DIDN'T GET THE PRIVILEGE TO READ IT AND I'M GLAD I DIDN'T B/C IT WOULD HAVE PISSED ME OFF) KNOWS WHAT THEY'RE ARE TALKING ABOUT. NOONE CAN FIT IN YOUR SHOES AMY, EVEN THOSE THAT HAVE LOST CHILDREN, B/C THEY DIDN'T LOSE YOUR CHILDREN. ONLY YOU KNOW HOW THAT FEELS AND ONLY YOU CAN "DEAL WITH IT" AND I SAY YOU KEEP DOING WHAT YOU ARE DOING B/C YOU ARE STILL SMILING AND STILL LOVING AND STILL BREATHING. I'M NOT SURE I COULD DO ANY OF THOSE. I'M PROBABLY RAMBLING BUT I WANT TO GET MY POINT ACROSS IN CASE WHOEVER WROTE THAT IS READING THIS. YOU JUST KEEP BEING WHO YOU ARE AND DON'T EVER LOSE THAT!!

Posted by MRS. PUJOLS on Wednesday, June 27, 2007 at 12:12 AM
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Anonymous said...

Your right! You should be able to blog your feelings without wondering if someone is going to reply in a rude manner! Sorry that the apartment hunt didnt turn out as wanted..im in that same boat myself..They are too small and too expensive! The headstones are perfect!-Lori

Posted by ♥Lori♥ on Wednesday, June 27, 2007 at 12:01 AM

Anonymous said...

THIS WAS A PLAQUE THAT WAS ON THE GRAVESITE OF MY COUSIN'S BABY BOYS. I FOUND IT TO BE VERY TOUCHING AND INSPIRATIONAL:

DANCE AS IF NO ONE WERE WATCHING............
SING AS IF NO ONE WERE LISTENING..........
LIVE EVERYDAY AS IF IT WERE YOUR LAST..........

--IRISH PROVERB---


THANKS AMY AND JIM, YOU TWO WILL NEVER KNOW THE STRENGTH YOU GIVE PEOPLE , BY SHOWING US HOW PEOPLE CAN SURVIVE TRAGEDY AND LOSS.

~TRISH

Anonymous said...

Amy, I must have missed that post as well...Sorry someone was rude to you! YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO POST ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. Sorry the apartment hunt didn't go well. Hopefully you will find something soon. The headstone is gorgeous! I will have to go and see it soon. Take care of yourself! I'm thinking of you!!

Love Ya ~Joni

Anonymous said...

Amy~ don't you ever let anyone tell you how you should feel or how long you should feel like you do! I can't imagine going through what you have gone through but I can guarantee that I would still feel very sad & have many mixed emotions! You went through a very very tough situation two times! I am very sorry that someone made those comments to you! I only hope they never have to go through the hurt that you have had to live through! I also think that you should keep on blogging! You are helping many more people that the ones that think you aren't!! I have learned in life that as sad as it is no matter what you do or how hard you try there is ALWAYS someone that has to disagree with you! I wish we lived in a world that everyone would love each other & take care of each other rather than always criticizing! It would be such a better world if we would treat each other like we would like to be treated & also as Jesus treats each & every one of us! So you take the time you need & know that there are many people praying for you & here for you to help you in whatever way you need!
Also, the boys headstone is so pretty! What a beautiful headstone for two very special little boys! You can see all the love that you & Jim have put into it!!

Posted by Gr8MoM on Wednesday, June 27, 2007 at 7:18 AM

Anonymous said...

The head stone looks really great.
I still look at the angel wings around the baby and just think of the boys and how cute they look in them. That is my favorite comforting thought, knowing they are rapped around by so many loving angels up there with them.
Aunt Colleen

Anonymous said...

that is nice that their headstone is up, we are still looking for the right one for Kaydence, im very sorry you were criticized for your feelings written here...its your blog, you dont need anyones permission to write how you feel....i have to admit that sometimes i censor mine too for fear of what people would say and thats not right, we should be able to write whatever we want...i do have another outlet where i post how i "really" feel and where no one judges you and only supports and helps us, it is especially for people like us who have lost children...if you are interested please let me know and i will give you the address...your right that whoever wrote the criticism is probably feeling so kind of guilt, and if they really wanted to help they would just come out in the open and speak to you like an adult and discuss things....its not like we are all in denial about how sad we are and how some of us struggle with depression and need help...dont they think we know that? and yes counseling helps but its also something that we have to get thru on each of our own terms and own time and people need to accept that and stop judging....until they have been in our shoes they have no idea......sending you hugs....

Posted by Mommy to 3 who walk and 1 who soars! on Wednesday, June 27, 2007 at 1:52 PM

AMY NAASZ said...

AMY,
I HAVE BEEN LOKING FOR THE COMMENT THAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT-WHERE IS IT??? DON'T EVER LET ANYONE MAKE YOU FEEL BAD FOR HOW YOU FEEL, NO ONE HAS WALKED IN YOUR SHOES BUT YOU AND THEY DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL YOU HOW TO DEAL WITH THE LOSS OF YOUR CHILDREN. IT MAKES ME MAD THAT SOMEONE WOULD WRITE SOMETHING RUDE TO YOU. I THINK IT'S GOOD YOU ARE HONEST ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS SO KEEP WRITING!!!