I'm Such a Jerk

I meant to post this on Mother's Day. I honestly did. And then I forgot. Completely. Now I feel like big crapola. I walked past my gift from Jim and was admiring it and garnering strength from it, as tonight has been a particularly hard night, and suddenly realized I'd never actually posted this blog. In the midst of mentioning the garden, the tattoos, and the other special Mother's Day gifts, I failed to mention the most significant gift of all. So . . .here it is, a little late, but just as heartfelt and grateful.

On Mother's Day, after a family dinner, Jim and I retreated to our apartment to spend the evening together. He brought me a card and a package.

The card was from Hallmark's (Product)RED line. The front looks like this:

Inside, on the left, it says (I couldn't get a decent picture of it):

EBAN "Fence"

In West Africa, a house

with a fenced yard

is considered an ideal home

where love is safe.

The inside right looks like this:

So the tears began . . .obviously. The card couldn't have been more perfect. It is so special to me. I still have it displayed on the dining table so I can look at it every day.

Then I opened the gift. It was from Jim and the boys.

Are any more words needed? I cried and cried . . .and it felt so nice to be remembered, and for my boys to be a part of the day. I know they want us to try again, in all aspects of our life together, as a family. Brian and Sawyer will always be that Hope, whispering to me, leading me on.

Thank you, Jim. You are the most amazing person I know. I love you more every day, and I will love you always.

Brian and Sawyer’s Memorial Garden

Well, we finally did it! Yesterday when I went to get my tattoos, they were running about 45 minutes behind, so we went right across the street to buy some flowers. We had bought my mom flowers for Mother's Day from the same place and they were really pretty, so we thought it would be a good place to get some for Brian and Sawyer.

We chose three types of flowers: snapdragons, alyssum, and lobelia. We chose flowers in green, blue, and yellow . . .the colors of the boys' nursery. We already had one pink flower too, that my church had given to each mother for Mother's Day.

After my tattoo was finished, we went to Menard's to get some stones to edge the garden with. At first we were looking at landscaping bricks and edging, but nothing caught our eye (or imagination). Suddenly, just as we had almost decided on a type of stone we "kinda" liked, Jim noticed some granite cobbles. They are really natural looking smooth, round stones. We loved them instantly, but debated on whether or not it would be possible to use them around the edge. We finally decided it was worth taking a chance and chose some. We had no idea how many to get--we hadn't measured anything or decided on a size--we couldn't even remember the width of the stone. So we kind of guessed and hoped that we had enough.

Today when we arrived, Jim dug out all the grass and chopped up the dirt so it was smooth and fine. At the same time, I put up the new wind chimes that a "mysterious friend" sent me for Mother's Day from Brian and Sawyer. We also found a new flag holder--our other one was kind of makeshift, because when we went to buy it, there were none at any of the stores. So this one will be more sturdy and permanent, even though I have to say, Jim did a great job with the first one! So I put that up, and I also washed their tombstone and statues.

When he finished, he laid out the stones, and guess what? There were EXACTLY enough. It couldn't have been more perfect. They looked absolutely beautiful. He packed them in, then I sat down and we started the flower planting. We tried to lay everything out perfectly.

When we finished, we arranged the stuff at their grave, and then stood back to look. We were both incredibly pleased. It looks gorgeous! The stones and flowers could not have been more perfect. We went and got some water to water the flowers, and then took some pictures. We are so glad everything worked together to create such a nice memorial to our boys. We think their grave looks absolutely perfect. The flowers have added some color, life, and beauty to their resting place. It looks very peaceful and serene, and I love that all the colors of their nursery are incorporated.

Well . . .I did it! For those of you who don't know, I got 2 tattoos for Mother's Day. However, I had to make an appointment for this weekend, which worked out really well since it's Memorial Day weekend. We also got flowers and stones to make Brian and Sawyer's memorial garden . . .we will be working on it tomorrow, so watch for a blog and pictures!

My tattoos are my sons' footprints--Brian's left footprint on my left foot, and Sawyer's right footprint on my right foot. And just so everyone knows . . .foot tattoos aren't any worse than any other tattoo, as far as I'm concerned. They hurt, yes, but I can remember getting both of my other tattoos, and it was no worse. I had built up the pain in my mind SO badly, because everyone kept telling me how much foot tattoos hurt . . .but it was really okay. Tolerable, anyway. Perhaps this is because Kalib, the artist from American Inkwell who did mine, is very talented. I've always heard that if you get tattoos from really great artists it isn't as bad, and maybe that's true. Regardless, Kalib did an amazing job. He didn't push me too hard, took lots of tiny breaks, just to let me breathe once before starting again, and just when I thought it was too much, he'd squirt a little water on and wipe, which really cooled down the burning sensation. Each foot only took about 7-10 minutes, because I didn't want any color and Kalib didn't want to use any liner. We just wanted to go for a very natural look, as if the boys' footprints were stamped directly on mine.

Here is a picture of Brian's tattoo, which is on my left side because he was our first born, but also because my tattoo in memory of his namesake is on that side as well:

Here is Sawyer's (still a little bloody, sorry):

And here are both together:



In this picture, you can see the "tan stripe" across the center of my feet. It was funny, because when I was trying to explain to Kalib and Jason, the other tattoo artist at American Inkwell, where I wanted them, I finally said, "Well, you see that tan line across my foot?" and they both laughed.

So there you go! I love them love them love them. I love how they are each unique, because they are perfect replicas of my children's footprints. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad I got up the courage to do this . . .Jim told me in the car on the way, as I was crying because I was so scared, that I would always regret it if I didn't do it, and he was right! AND he reminded me of all the happiness they would bring if I did do it, and he was right about that too, of course . . .he always is.

I'll post some more photos as they heal. For now, I'd better go get them elevated--avoiding edema is a great excuse for a lazy weekend!

The Call

I went to see Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian on Sunday. I am a huge CS Lewis fan, and I ADORE the Narnia books. My old set is ragged and dog-eared from being read over and over again, through my childhood and into my adulthood. I always thought it would be fun to decorate a child's room in a Narnia theme. So, as you can imagine, I loved the movie. I thought it was really well done and captured the spirit of the book. However, an unexpected gem came at the end of the movie in a song. I am also a HUGE Regina Spektor fan, so when I heard the first line, I knew instantly it was her. This song is absolutely gorgeous. It made me cry, BIG time, not just because it captured the book/movie/story perfectly, but of course because of the loss I've experienced. I love being reminded once again by CS Lewis that death is never the end, and goodbye is never forever.

The Call
by Regina Spektor

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll cone back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

My sister-in-law (Jim's sister) has just released her first full-length CD. Her name is Cathryn Stone, and the album is called "White Sun Dark Moon." I have listened to it hundreds of times now, and I can tell you without reservation that it is fantastic. Even if I didn't know her and wasn't related to her, I would still STRONGLY recommend that you purchase this album, . She writes her own songs, plays her own instruments, and her voice is incredible. The songs are all beautiful . . .haunting . . .so earthy and real.

So if you're in the mood to try something new in the world of music, buy her CD. You won't be disappointed! You can buy it from her website, http://www.cathrynstone.co.uk/, or from CD Baby at http://cdbaby.com/cd/cathrynstone.

Oh, and by the way, Jim designed the logo of her name, and his name is mentioned on the back cover of the CD. Very cool--we feel slightly famous!

Tattoo Update

Well . . .the tattoo has been talked about with the artists, a deposit has been paid, and an appointment has been made! I will get both feet tattooed with the boys' footprints (one on each) on March 26. Pictures will follow! Wish me luck--I have heard nothing but warnings about how BAD the pain will be, but Kalib, one of the owners and artists at American Inkwell, told me it would hurt less than the one on my leg, so that made me feel a LOT better! I trust his judgement. I'm really excited and can't wait to show them off!

So . . .I've been living my new healthy lifestyle for a week now. Actually 8 days. I have lost 10 pounds, which isn't too bad I suppose (although I do struggle with impatience and the need for instant results). For the first few days, I was concentrating on the food part--calories, fat, protein, and carbs. Then two days ago I added exercise and began walking a mile each night, and this afternoon--joy of all joys!--my Sweatin' to the Oldies DVD arrived! Yes, that's right . . .I could relive the days of high school PE aerobics with Richard and the 80's gang. I did the whole workout, and even though it was fairly simple, I did sweat and it did strain me. One must bear in mind that it's been over a decade since I've really exercised. But I had fun. I really love Richard's workouts--you feel like real people are capable of doing them successfully and losing weight. I also felt really good afterwards. I had planned to join my already sleeping husband for a nap, but alas, I was suddenly overcome with energy--go figure! My dog is happy with this whole arrangement too, because she never gets to lick real plates . . .but now that many of my foods come out of plastic trays, she gets to lick them at the end, and this makes her feel fulfilled.

I am really obsessed with the food part. I track every single last calorie I eat, down to this morning's single servings of Coffee Mate (30 calories each)! A couple of my friends at work have joined me, which is really nice and helps with motivation. It's also funny, because we're pretty desperate to get the most food possible for our calories. I was telling them today how I use my fingers to scrape clean the bottoms of my microwave food entrees, and they totally understood. We also talked about how some foods have become "SO not worth it" to us . . .because they're such a small portion and so many calories. We're also quite serious about eating every last bit--today my friend dropped a raisin, and I joked about it . . .but deep down, I knew that if it was me, I'd have grabbed the raisin off the floor and eaten it. Every raisin counts.

I shall leave you all to ponder that as I finish up my roasted potatoes and broccoli, which I mistakenly thought also contained chicken. As you can imagine, I'm pretty disappointed right about now. Anyway . . .here's to living longer!

Tagged Again

Okay, I got tagged again . . .I think I've done this before, but I will try to write different things this time.

I HAVE BEEN TAGGED

The rules in this game of tag are simple -- once you have been tagged, you must write a blog with ten weird, random things, little known facts or habits about yourself. At the end choose at least 10 people to be tagged, list their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you've been tagged" and tell them to read your latest blog. Since you can't tag me back… let me know when you've posted your blog so I can see it.

1. I love Kenny Loggins. I am embarrassed about it, but my friend Jami and I decided we should make T-Shirts that say, on the front, "We Love Loggins" and on the back "And we are not ashamed!"

2. I kind of want to write Kenny Loggins a fan letter. I bet he hasn't gotten one since the late 80's. I could be his number one fan, for sure. Maybe even president of his fan club.

3. I also love Richard Simmons. I recently ordered "Sweatin' to the Oldies" to go along with my diet. Maybe I should add "Simmons" to the Loggins Tee.

4. I am getting 2 new tattoos, as soon as my "economic stimulus" money comes in. I am getting Brian's footprint on my left foot and Sawyer's on my right.

5. I like to call people by strange names. Like right now, if I saw you, I'd say, "Hi, Mike!" And I bet your name is indeed . . .well, not Mike.

6. Like my sister-in-law, I am not overly obsessed with chocolate. I like it. But I don't LOVE it. Now that I'm on a diet, people keep asking me if I miss it. No, I don't. In fact, I can still eat a lot of stuff w/some chocolate, and it's not that thrilling. What I'd REALLY love to eat is a pound of bacon. Seriously.

7. I used to worry a lot about people talking bad about me. It really upset me a lot to know that "friends" of mine were saying things, judging me, behind my back. I know that people have judged my divorce and remarriage, and think I am a bad person. I haven't advertised my feelings or what happened to most people, so they assume they know. I'm over that now, and over them. None of them actually know even a tiny percent of what they THINK they know about me or my life.

8. I am a little bit obsessed with true-crime tv shows and books. Another secret passion.

9. I love rainstorms. I love camping too. And I even like it if it rains when I'm camping so I can lay in the tent and listen to it and smell it and feel the coolness wash over everything.

10. I pretty much hate forced social activities. I am not an antisocial person. I enjoy hanging out with people in a relaxed, casual environment. I feel very silly and uncomfortable sitting with people I maybe kinda-sorta know, or maybe have never met, pretending we're friends. Everyone laughs too loud and tries to be funny.

I Now Tag :

1. Amy N.
2. Nichole R.
3. Jami K.
4. Ashley K.
5. Sheri M.
6. Stacy W.
7. Trish W.
8. Carrie W.
9. Ashleigh B.
10.Stephanie H.

Mother's Ring for Mother's Day

For a long time now, I have wanted a mother's ring. I wasn't exactly even sure what kind of ring to get--one with birthstones, or one with engraving. I had asked for one for Christmas, but unknown to me at the time, my friend, Kathie, had already written to Jim about a ring she was getting for me. She had seen the company, http://www.nellandlizzy.com/, in Oprah's magazine. After she ordered it, they informed her that it was going to be quite awhile before they could get to making the ring--the magazine had launched them to a popularity they were unable to keep up with. So she decided to give it to me for Mother's Day.

Today we went to Starbucks to hang out, and she gave me the ring. She gave credit to Jim for helping her out with the sizing and planning. Of course, I love it!!!! It is so perfect, and so ME. I don't like big, shiny, "blingy" jewelry, and I don't really wear that kind of stuff. That is why I chose a very simple wedding ring. It's just my personal taste. The ring looks aged, and very classy. I think it's absolutely perfect.

It is also perfect in that it doesn't fit on my right hand ring finger--apparently that finger is larger than the one on my left hand. It does fit on the ring finger of my left hand, but not with my wedding ring. So I put it on the pinky of my left hand, and it looks perfect! I love how it looks right next to my wedding ring. It represents nicely my 3 loves--Jim, Brian, and Sawyer. One of the really cool features is that the ring is really 2 rings intertwined, so they are always changing position--one is never "more important" than the other.

Thank you SO much, Kathie, for such a wonderful reminder of my boys. It is just perfect in every way, and I can't wait to show it off! I couldn't have chosen a more perfect ring myself! You are a wonderful friend, and I love you. Thanks for remembering me at this holiday and recognizing me as a mother. It means a lot to me, more than you could know.

This is a poem that, oddly, I had printed out and even had one of my speech students read for competition years ago, before I married Jim or lost the boys. It's strange to me that I was so moved by these words, even then.

Slipping
by Svea Barrett

There are things I can't seem to hold, things always slipping from me,
like messages for you, lists of errands, pens and chalk, all the broken
dishes and spilled cups of coffee -- just this morning a fresh cup,
steaming, spread across the blacktop in Duncan Donuts' parking lot.

And that time, the last time we drove in silence down to Philly again,
to Children's Hospital, where they cut and hold babies' hearts
every day. The doctor I didn't like met us at the door before we could
even wash our hands or put on those masks and stiff, green gowns.

"Be prepared." His voice was flat. "He looks bad today. His kidneys are failing.
He's very bloated." I tried to leave but he held my arm. "I'm serious. Be prepared."
My teeth drew blood from somewhere deep inside the dryness of my mouth.
My jaws and armpits clenched. Your hand clamped onto my shoulder.

Inside I stroked our son's stretched skin and winced for him.
I feared my slightest touch would explode us both all over the hospital floor.
I whispered once into his swollen ear, and we slipped out to sit on that
hard wooden bench in the hall, not speaking, all our words long gone.

We sat 'til there was nothing left to do but drive back home.
You had to work, and our other twin waited for me.
I didn't know then that mothers often ask to
hold them, even after they're gone.

He just slipped out of my reach, like everything else does lately,
except for this memory slipped around my neck and holding tight.
Another opportunity missed, like so many chances for us to talk,
since it became clear things would not be turning out the way you planned.

This morning the tiny bar of soap on the shower floor dissolved
and disappeared before I could try to hold its slippery roundness and
finish washing. I stand and shiver, cooling water slides through my hair
and thighs, but I'm not clean. I'm still not even close to being clean.

SAWYER JAMES RENNIE

March 31, 2007 ~ April 11, 2007

Sawyer, you left us in the wee hours of the morning, quietly and peacefully, with complete courage. Our beautiful boy, we love you. We are so lost without you, yet we celebrate the wonder and miracle of you. We are so proud you are our son.

The songs on our playlist are all dedicated to Sawyer. For various reasons, they all bring him instantly to mind. Some of them we played for him, some were played at his funeral, and some of them are songs that are inseperable from his little life. We were listening to Regina Spektor almost constantly during the two weeks before he was born, and then while he was alive. If we get into the car and play her CDs, we are instantly and heartbreakingly transported to those moments in time. It feels like I am pregnant again, full of hope . . .or on my way to St. Francis to check into the antenatal unit . . .or driving up to visit Sawyer in the NICU. Many of the songs are almost completely perfect to describe Sawyer and his life . . .like Blackbird, or Love . . .and others have an ambiance that just "feels" like him. Some have a line that just grabs our hearts and brings us closer to our son. We hope you will take some time to listen.

And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.

~Raymond Carver

For My Love

Our anniversary was on Monday, April 7. A lot has happened to us in two years of marriage, but we're still holding on to each other through all this stormy weather.

Jim . . .thank you for being you, for loving me, and for saving me every day. I will never let go of you . . .

Here's to better days ahead.

First Day of My Life
by Bright Eyes

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up

And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

Tiger in the Night
by Katie Melua

You are the tiger burning bright
Deep in the forest of my night
You are the one who keeps me strong in this world

You sleep by the silent cooling streams
Down in the darkness of my dreams
All of my life I never knew
You were the dream I'd see come true
You are the tiger burning bright

I was the one who looked so hard I could not see.
Now I could never live without the love you give to me.

I lived like a wild and lonely soul,
Lost in a dream beyond control.
You were the one who brought me home down to earth.

For you are the tiger burning bright
Deep in the forest of my night
All of my life I never knew
You were the dream I'd see come true
You are the tiger burning bright

Sawyer's First Birthday

To celebrate Sawyer's birthday and remember him in the most positive way possible, we did several special things.

To begin with, we made little treat bags full of candy. I attached cards to each one. The pictures didn't turn out that great, but they will give you the general idea.

I passed out the treats at work, and then Jim and I delivered them to some close friends and family members.

After that, we headed to the NICU. We took a huge bag of candy filled with several of the cards. Strangely enough, the first person to come out of the NICU and see us standing there was Dr. Ramiro, his primary doctor. She came over and talked with us. When we told her it was Sawyer's birthday she got teared up, and of course, I did too. We got ready to leave, and I was walking down the hallway crying, when suddenly I heard this little squeal of my name. It was Emma, the nurse who was very close to Sawyer. She came to his funeral, and she was awarded the Daisy based on our nomination. She was so excited to see us, and she cried too. She told us that whenever she's training new students, she takes them to the collage of Sawyer and shows his pictures and the letter we wrote. She said it has helped to give her a lot of comfort and perspective, and she wants to show others his story to inspire them. She said it is good to know that even if the story isn't the typical "success" that we all hope for, it doesn't mean it was a "failure" either. From the letter that we wrote to the staff, she learned how successful it was that Sawyer had love all his life, and how grateful we were for their constant help, diligence, and support. She also said she realized how much their jobs mean, not just to the babies, but also to their families. It was soooo great to see her. She is and always will be very special to us.


After that, we stopped by the store to pick out a birthday card. We found the perfect one . . .absolutely perfect.

We also bought some baby tulips for his grave.

And some cupcakes--one for each of the boys.

We went to the cemetery, but since the winds were SO crazy you couldn't even walk in a straight line, we decided to bring back his stuff the next day. We talked to him (and his brother too, of course) for awhile, and then came back home. Then on Tuesday we took all of his stuff to his grave. Jim also bought a little birdhouse that we are going to paint and plant something in, which we will take when the weather is nicer.

Several people remembered Sawyer and us with nice gifts and cards.

These candles are in memory of the boys from my friend, Tressa:

This is from my grandmother:

This is from my friend Jami:

This is from my parents:

This is from Jim's parents, made by Jim's mother:

We are so grateful to all of you, not just those mentioned here, but everyone who sent emails, cards, notes, and lit candles for Sawyer. It is so important to us that he is remembered, but at the same time, it is also nice to feel so much love and support from so many. Peace and love . . .

An Early Morning Wish

One year ago today, my son came into the world. I can't give him presents or a cake, but I can say . . .Happy Birthday, Sawyer. We love you and miss you so much.

You can light a candle for Sawyer at his memorial site.

Just Something Funny

You know the Johnny Cash song "A Boy Named Sue?" Well, Jim read the other day that it was written by Shel Silverstein. I looked it up, and it's true! It was inspired by his friend, Jean Shepherd, who wrote and narrated the movie "A Christmas Story" and other humourous works. He thought his name sounded feminine, hence the song. Just a bit of trivia for you!

Okay, here's the final blog I promised, with another one to come after Sawyer's birthday on Monday.

I just finished reading "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff. From his biography on his website:

"Along with The New York Times Magazine, Sheff, a contributing editor to Playboy, has also written for The New York Times, Wired, Fortune, Rolling Stone, Outside, The Los Angeles Times Magazine, Esquire and Observer Magazine in England, Foreign Literature in Russia, and Playboy (Shueisha) in Japan. He has conducted seminal interviews with John Lennon and Yoko Ono, nuclear physicist Ted Taylor, Congressman Barney Frank, Steve Jobs, Ansel Adams, Thomas Friedman, the founders of Google, Tom Hanks, Betty Friedan, Keith Haring, Jack Nicholson, Carl Sagan, Larry Ellison, Salman Rushdie, and others. He also wrote an award-winning documentary about John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath and a radio special about Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird, both for National Public Radio, and wrote and edited Heart Play: Unfinished Dialogue, which won a Grammy Award nomination for Best Spoken Word Recording of 1984." He also wrote a great book about the videogame industry called "Game Over."

This book is about his son Nic's addiction to crystal meth. I was going to try to write a book review, but I really just want to encourage you all to read it. It's one of the most honest, heartbreaking, and in the end, hopeful books I've ever read. Someone on amazon, amidst the rave reviews, gave it a lower rating because they wanted father and son to pen the book together, in order to give "both sides of the story." Nic Sheff did write his book, called "Tweak." However, I really feel that this is David's story alone, the story of his relationship with his son, and how he and the rest of their family dealt with this addiction. I have heard many addict's stories, but I haven't read a good book by someone who loves an addict. I would strongly recommend this book to all--not just people who have dealt with addiction or loving someone with addiction, but any parent.

The real beauty of this book is that I felt I was living vicariously through David. His concerns became my concerns; his joys, my joys. It takes a powerful writer to make hisor her reader feel so closely knit into the story. I felt like David, Karen, Nic, Jasper, and Daisy were my family, and I wanted to trust Nic, and I wanted to comfort Jasper and Daisy, and on and on.

The funny part is that the book ends at the present. There is no further to go. This story is still being written. Yet I wanted more! I wanted to know how it ends . . .even though logically I know it isn't over yet. I wanted to be able to see into the future and know how this all turns out.
The book lived with me and lives in me still. It's definitely a must-read!

As promised, here is blog #2. The boys celebrated their second Easter this year--Brian's second in Heaven, Sawyer's first. We were lucky enough to have him with us last year for Easter.

Jim and I chose some wooden eggs and egg-cups from Hobby Lobby, along with 2 little rings that Jim found sitting side by side, all on their own. We never saw any others in the store, so it seemed to be a sign!

Jim painted the eggs with the boys' names on them, and then a design on the back of each--a butterfly for Brian and a sailboat for Sawyer. He painted the cups to look like grass on Brian's and the sea on Sawyer's. I think they look perfect! Their daddy did a great job!

We went out to the cemetary during the evening and put the easter eggs and rings by the boys' headstone. We miss them so much, but it's nice to be able to at least do something to remember them on special holidays.

Sawyer Flies

As Sawyer’s first birthday approaches, I figured it was time to tell you about the painting my friend, Nichole, made for us.

Nichole is a very, very gifted artist. You can learn more about her at her website. She’s also a crazy lady who loves teaching high school so much that she continues to do it, even though she wouldn’t have to. She inspires young people every day to express themselves creatively. I have always loved her work. In fact, my friend Jami and I were talking one day about how much we would LOVE to have one of her paintings, and only a couple of days later (just before Christmas) she came into the center, where her sons attend, and presented me with a gift.

As soon as I looked at the painting, I started crying. I couldn’t believe how amazing it was. It instantly moved me, for it captured our son Sawyer’s spirit and his passing from this earth in such a perfect, poignant way.

Nichole knew that we had played the song "Blackbird" for Sawyer before he passed away. She was also at his funeral, where we had a slide show, the end of which was set to that song. So this inspired her to create "Sawyer Flies."

Unbelievably, she was nervous about giving it to us. She told a friend that she almost didn’t do it, because she was so afraid that we might not like it. I cannot fathom what would possess her to think that. We would have loved the painting no matter what, even if it was only a tenth as wonderful as it is. BUT . . .and when you see it, I am sure you will agree . . .how someone with that amount of talent could ever doubt herself is beyond me.

I have started a dozen different letters to Nichole to try to thank her for this gift. I have yet to finish one. I can’t seem to find the words to say what is in my heart. Not only did she care about Jim and I enough to offer us a piece of her artwork as a gift, but she also loves our son, and has acknowledged and memorialized him in an absolutely incredible way. I can’t thank her enough for the piece of her heart that has become a piece of ours. It is hanging in the main entry of our apartment, and every day, as I walk by, I look at it and remember Sawyer. The painting expresses so brilliantly my feelings . . ."You were only waiting for this moment to arise." Sawyer was set free to fly through the pain and into endless beauty.

This is my way of saying thank you to Nichole. Nichole, I hope you read this. If you do, please know how much I love you and value your friendship. You have been a source of comfort, inspiration, and peace to me throughout this ordeal. I have met someone through you, as well . . .your sister, Amy, who has become a dear friend and another person I can count on to understand my pain, sorrow, and confusion. I am so lucky to have you both in my life. I honestly don’t know where I would be without Jim and friends like you to help carry this burden, and yes, even to make it lighter. You continue to amaze me with your compassion and generosity. I will never be able to say thank you enough, but I will at least try . . .so thank you.



And, as a p.s. . .I have tears running down my face, yet I still wanted to point out that Simon Cowell, who criticized "Blackbird," called Lee Greenwood a "brilliant writer" and "I’m Proud to be an American" a "brilliant song." Touché, Simon. Touché.

Okay. I have about 3 blogs to write. I need to catch up. I know this. However, I have the day off today and I’m going to spend it with Jim, who also has the day off! Yay! A non-weekend day off together is very rare!

Anyway, here is a preview of my 3 blogs, for anyone who is interested. I will be writing them over the next couple of days.

1.) The piece of artwork my friend, Nichole, made for Jim and I. It is called "Sawyer Flies" and was inspired by him and the song we played at his funeral (and for him when he was alive), "Blackbird" by the Beatles. It’s really amazing, and I have intended to write this blog for months, but haven’t been able to find the right words. I decided that the "right words" aren’t as important as the telling.

Incidentally, I’m really mad at Simon Cowell for calling the song "cheesy" and saying, "You had the entire Beatles catalog to choose from, and you chose a song about a Blackbird." Well, Simon, who obviously hasn’t listened to much Beatles music, has also missed out on one of the best songs in the world. It is very special to me, Jim, and our boys, and we feel it tells Sawyer’s story perfectly.

2. Easter and what we made for the boys, including pictures.

3. My thoughts about one of the best books I have read in a long, long time. It’s called "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff (he interviewed John and Yoko) and it’s about his son’s addiction to crystal meth.

Also, next Monday is Sawyer’s birthday, so I will be blogging about how we celebrated and my thoughts on his first year in Heaven.

Take care!

Blackbird

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

2 years ago today, I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Last year, my second son was here for Easter. And still, we miss them terribly, and always will. It is a grief that never ceases.

On My First Son
by Ben Jonson


Farewell, thou child of my right hand, and joy ;
My sin was too much hope of thee, lov'd boy.
Seven years thou wert lent to me, and I thee pay,
Exacted by thy fate, on the just day.
Oh, could I lose all father now ! For why
Will man lament the state he should envy?
To have so soon 'scaped world's and flesh's rage,
And if no other misery, yet age !
Rest in soft peace, and, asked, say, Here doth lie
Ben Jonson his best piece of poetry.
For whose sake henceforth all his vows be such
As what he loves may never like too much.