Just Knowing You Were Beneath the Same Sky

Thoughts about my son . . .

I never realized how hard it would be to be pregnant again. The last thing I can remember is singing to Brian, and writing him letters, and talking to him . . .and now he is gone. I don't know how to bond with this child yet. I love him/her . . .and I'm obviously thrilled to be blessed again with this life growing inside of me. . .but I just miss my son and I want him back. I still don't quite know how to move on from that. It also feels like self-preservation not to get too attached too soon, because I don't want to hurt like this again.

It's funny too, because other people don't seem to share the joy this time either. They are afraid to "act happy" now that we are pregnant again. One woman just flat-out ignored me the other day, like . . ."don't want to jinx her!" Others act like it's not real until the baby arrives. This doesn't make it any easier.

I found a song tonight, and I want to share the lyrics. Maybe that will give you a glimpse of how I'm feeling. A while back, I got a lot of comments from people saying that my posts were "too sad," or suggesting that maybe I should get counseling or go to a support group . . .basically, talk to people who understand, not us, because we want fun stuff and happy thoughts. So I mostly try to talk about the good things in my life, because there ARE good things, and many of them. But that doesn't mean that every single day that goes by, I don't miss my firstborn child, and wish he were a part of this world. It hurts every day, and so for now, I'm not going to lie about that.

Goodbye for Now

by Kathy Trocolli

I can't believe that you're really gone now.

Seems like it's all just a dream

How can it be that the world would go on

When something has died within me

Leaves will turn, my heart will burn

With colors of you

Snow will fall, but I'll recall your warmth

Summer wind, breathing in your memory

I'll miss you

But there will be a time

When I'll see your face

And I'll hear your voice

And there we will laugh again

And there will come a day

When I'll hold you close

No More tears to cry

'Cause we'll have forever

But I'll say Goodbye for now

I can't imagine my life without you

You held a place all your own

Just knowing you were beneath the same sky

Oh what a joy I have known

On rainy days, in many ways

You'll water my heart

On starry nights I'll glmipse the light of your smile

Never far from my heart

You'll stay with me

So I'll wait...for now