Friday, October 15, 2010

In Memory Of . . .

There are so many babies I am remembering today . . .so many moms . . .so many dads . . .so many grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters . . .I couldn't possibly name them all. I would probably end up forgetting someone, completely accidentally, and feel terrible. I also know that since you can only tag 30 people, I can't possibly tag you all in this note. So please know, this is for all of you.

When a child dies, a family is broken. That circle can never be repaired. No matter how much time goes by, no matter how many more children are born into the family, no matter how much joy our lives bring, the sorrow will always be there, in that empty space . . .the part of our circle where those babies belong.

I wish I could tell you that it made sense to me today, but it doesn't. I wish I could tell you it gets easier with time, but it doesn't.

The only encouragement I can offer is this: You will always feel sorrow. You will always feel grief. You will always feel "different." You can never, ever "go back" to the way you used to be. I know maybe this doesn't sound encouraging, but it is.

All of your grief and sorrow, all of the tears you have cried, all of the lonely nights you have sat awake, wishing your child was safe and sound, sleeping in their bed, right where they belong . . .all of it is love. And love is the only thing that matters. I am grateful for those tears, for those aching arms, for those lonely nights, because they remind me of how much I love my boys. I am thankful for every reminder I can get, because they mean that my boys were PRESENT in this world and they MATTER. They will always matter.

So the encouragement is that your children will always live in you. You learn to carry the grief and sorrow along with you. You learn to bear it within your heart, and to share every moment of sorrow with the moments of joy that will arise. For you WILL have joy again. You will live, and you will love. Your children will be a part of every moment of it.

I love and share that love because of my boys. I try to do good in the world so their love can touch the lives of others. I try to remind myself of this and redidicate myself to this mission.

I wish love to each of you today as you remember the babies who should be here with us. I wish you peaceful hearts amidst the grief. I wish you joy, even in the moments of sorrow.

Brian and Sawyer, we love you and we miss you every day. We always will. We are so proud that you are ours, and our lives are better because we knew you. We have been forever changed because each of you were unique, perfect, beautiful miracles . . .and we were blessed to hold you in our arms.

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is doing that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there." ~ author unknown

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." ~W. Irving


AKD said...

I am thinking of your boys with you - they absolutely matter.

Jim and Amy Rennie said...

Thank you. ♥