Sunday, July 11, 2010

Dear Brian,

Four years ago today was the day my entire world came crashing down around me. It started like any other day, and it ended with us having to let you go.

The thing is, I didn't know then what I know now. I wish I'd held you for longer. I wish I'd kissed you more. I wish I had dressed you and given you a bath. There are so many things I would do differently if I had them to do all over again. I didn't know how to let you go . . .I am so sorry, and I hope you know that I have dreamed so many times of being able to do those things for you that it almost seems like I have. Someday I will again . . .

Did I ever tell you how much I LOVED being pregnant with you? Carrying you was the single most important and special thing I had ever, ever done. Every day I woke up and felt my belly . . .felt you there, and smiled. I will never forget how special those days were with you. You were and always will be my dancer, waving and kicking away inside my belly.

We still miss you so much. I still miss you, every single day. I think about you and your brother all the time, about how our family of 3 is really a family of 5, and about how many people don't understand that. I've come to accept that most people never will, and that's okay with me. Part of me doesn't want them to . . .because it they did, they would know how broken we were and still are, and I can't wish that upon anyone. I also know that you are ours, and always will be, and nothing that anyone else does or doesn't "get" can change that.

All of the sadness we feel because you are not with us does not mean that we don't have joy in our lives. Your baby sister brings us more joy than we ever thought we could have. We love her immensely. We love her because she is Amelie . . .just like we love you because you are Brian and we love Sawyer because he is Sawyer. We love each of you, both separately and together, and we will love you all forever. In every moment of joy, there is sorrow, and in every moment of sorrow, there is joy. As I sit and cry for you, missing you with all my heart, I also miss Sawyer . . .and at the same time, I hear Amelie breathing through her monitor, and my heart flutters with the joy of knowing my baby girl.

I also have joy in the memories, however few, that I have of you and our time together here on earth. I am so proud of you. You were a beautiful, sweet baby.

You taught me so much about life . . .how short it is, and how precious. You made me a better person. You are still making me a better person. I struggle sometimes, but I want to be better for you and Sawyer. I want to be kind to people, and to do good. If I can make the world even a tiny bit better, your spirit lives on, because you are love.

I still wish I could go back and make things end differently for us. I feel old now. I am still sad. I miss you. Badly. My life has never been the same since the day you were born and left us. What should have been a happy day is now a day of remembrance and tears.

At the same time, I am a better mother for all that you have taught me. You are a part of every moment. You are my heart. You are my soul. You will never be apart from me, not really, not ever.

Remember we love you. I am sorry my body failed you. I am sorry for all the walks we cannot take together, for all the games we cannot play, for all the hugs and kisses I cannot give you. But know that every time we share those moments with Amelie, you and Sawyer are a part of them. How could you not be? You are our guiding stars.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Prince. I love you.

Until we meet again . . .



AKD said...

I'm sending you so much love - our first birthday for our angel was this week, and you just amaze me at how perfectly you summed up my emotions. I am remembering Brian with you, and sending him love.

rebecca said...

What a beautiful tribute to your son & all that his short life accomplished & gave to the world. I agree that losing a child brings you such incredible perspective on what is really important in this life & makes you want to be a better person. Sounds like you are honoring your sons in an amazing way in how you live your life!

heartness1 said...

happy birthday sweet little one,

I wish you the strength to get through this day