Thursday, October 16, 2008

Feeling . . .

There's a line from a Sarah McLachlan song that says, "I won't fear love."

I think I do, and I want to change that, but I'm not quite sure how to go about it.

I realized today, while watching a video from a mom who lost two boys, had a TAC, and now has a healthy baby girl, that my fear is preventing me from feeling. I am afraid to love this baby. I know I do, of course . . .but I'm afraid to really feel it. If I do, and I lose again, how can I ever cope?

Jim gave me a gift which had a quote on it: "When things go wrong, hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.'"

I know that Brian and Sawyer would want us to try again. I believe that with all my heart. When I considered how hard they both fought for life, and how CLOSE we were, I knew that it was the right thing to do. I also believe that God brought me to Dr. Haney and the TAC surgery so that my lifelong dream of being a mother could be fulfilled. The trouble is . . .now that I'm in the middle of it, it's hard to remember, and even harder to believe in.

Terrified doesn't even describe how I feel. It's not a strong enough word. And I used to be able to get out all of my feelings by writing . . .yet now, I am not that interested in writing, further proof of the distance I am creating within myself. So that is why I don't blog much, unless it's to report some important bit of news.

I cried for about an hour today, because suddenly, this little life growing inside of me became painstakingly real . . .and I realized that everything I have ever wanted is riding on the outcome of this pregnancy. I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a mommy. I have the husband I always dreamed of, and I have two boys, but I can't hold them or even see them. The loss of Sawyer and Brian still hurts, and I just pray every day that we make it to the end this time. I know you are all praying, too, and I thank you. It means everything to us, and we know that God is listening.

There is a brokenness out of which comes the unbroken,

A shatteredness out of which blooms the unshatterable.

There is a sorrow beyond all grief which leads to joy

And a fragility out of whose depths emerges strength.

There is a hollow space too vast for words

Through which we pass with each loss,

Out of whose darkness we are sanctified into being.

There is a cry deeper than all sound whose serrated edges cut the heart

As we break open to the place inside which is unbreakable

And whole.



~S said...

Hi, Amy. Thanks for the comment on my blog. I did have the TAC placed by Dr. Haney...whom I love. We have had secondary infertility, and had a miscarriage in July, but we are hoping to try it out soon. If you ever want to talk, feel free to email me. indianaopenwindow at yahoo dot com.

Carry Out said...

Hey so I heard this song and thought of you, it's pretty good. Check it out...Watermark by Glory Days.

Carry Out said...

Hey I heard this song and thought of you, it's pretty good. Check it out...Watermark by Glory Day.

Becky said...

Hi Amy, thanks for the comment on my blog. Sorry it took me a while to respond, but I read your entire blog that night. I'm so sorry about your beautiful little boys.

Thank you for your lovely comments. I know that this is a difficult journey. It's a huge gamble, for so many reasons. But the could we not take the chance? I think often of the song The Dance by Garth Brooks and he says, "I could have missed the pain, but I would have missed the dance."

It's ok to have these terrifying feelings. It's terrifying! Like you said, words beyond terrifying (are there words beyond terrifying?). You're an incredible mother to this baby and your boys, and it's ok to go into survival mode from time to time. We do the best that we can under the circumstances that are presented to us. That's all you can ask of yourself.

I'll send you an email because I want to know how you are...

Take care and lots of love!

Christine said...

I know you fears, I lost my twins last year. I lost Ethan on Aug 24 and Andrew on Aug 25. It was long for us to try again while still trying to survive the grief and having good and bad days. When I found out we were pregnant, I couldnt have been happier and to know with twins again scared me to death. Only to lose one of the twins so early on. After that, it took until wk 28 for me to even connect with the pregnancy. and now I have an 11 wk old baby girl and believe me, the love and connection we have is more amazing than i ever imagined. she helps me to continue to get through those bad days when missing the twins is almost unbearable. She arrived Aug 21 and we spent the twins 1st bithday together in the same place they passed, at the hosptial. we came home together on Aug 25. For me, I needed to be in the hosptial with her then.