Feeling . . .

There's a line from a Sarah McLachlan song that says, "I won't fear love."

I think I do, and I want to change that, but I'm not quite sure how to go about it.

I realized today, while watching a video from a mom who lost two boys, had a TAC, and now has a healthy baby girl, that my fear is preventing me from feeling. I am afraid to love this baby. I know I do, of course . . .but I'm afraid to really feel it. If I do, and I lose again, how can I ever cope?

Jim gave me a gift which had a quote on it: "When things go wrong, hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.'"

I know that Brian and Sawyer would want us to try again. I believe that with all my heart. When I considered how hard they both fought for life, and how CLOSE we were, I knew that it was the right thing to do. I also believe that God brought me to Dr. Haney and the TAC surgery so that my lifelong dream of being a mother could be fulfilled. The trouble is . . .now that I'm in the middle of it, it's hard to remember, and even harder to believe in.

Terrified doesn't even describe how I feel. It's not a strong enough word. And I used to be able to get out all of my feelings by writing . . .yet now, I am not that interested in writing, further proof of the distance I am creating within myself. So that is why I don't blog much, unless it's to report some important bit of news.

I cried for about an hour today, because suddenly, this little life growing inside of me became painstakingly real . . .and I realized that everything I have ever wanted is riding on the outcome of this pregnancy. I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a mommy. I have the husband I always dreamed of, and I have two boys, but I can't hold them or even see them. The loss of Sawyer and Brian still hurts, and I just pray every day that we make it to the end this time. I know you are all praying, too, and I thank you. It means everything to us, and we know that God is listening.

There is a brokenness out of which comes the unbroken,

A shatteredness out of which blooms the unshatterable.

There is a sorrow beyond all grief which leads to joy

And a fragility out of whose depths emerges strength.

There is a hollow space too vast for words

Through which we pass with each loss,

Out of whose darkness we are sanctified into being.

There is a cry deeper than all sound whose serrated edges cut the heart

As we break open to the place inside which is unbreakable

And whole.

~Rashani