I just wanna say how awesome and amazing Extreme Home Makeover is. I have ALWAYS loved and watched the show, and now, guess what?? They are doing a house in Pekin. Not only is that pretty cool . . .what's even cooler is that it is the house of my friend's family!!! I personally know someone involved!!! My friend Rachel's (aka Kiki) parents' home is the one being redone, and I couldn't be happier for them! They are great people, and very deserving of this great gift. I love a show that promotes giving and caring amongst fellow community members--what could be better than that?


Here's a story:
http://www.pjstar.com/news_county/x76323062/Makeovers-bittersweet-beginning

(Rachel is the one crying in the front row when the house is demolished. And Rachel, if you read this blog, trust me, I get it! I ALWAYS cry when they demolish the houses on the show. I know I would do the same thing, no matter how awesome I knew the end result would be . . .that's your house, and all the memories . . .wow. Brave woman.)

If you click on the photo on the left side of the page, it will take you to a slideshow of lots of pictures from the day!

My cousin told me about this song, and I thought I would post the lyrics here today.

Glory Baby by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Feeling . . .

There's a line from a Sarah McLachlan song that says, "I won't fear love."

I think I do, and I want to change that, but I'm not quite sure how to go about it.

I realized today, while watching a video from a mom who lost two boys, had a TAC, and now has a healthy baby girl, that my fear is preventing me from feeling. I am afraid to love this baby. I know I do, of course . . .but I'm afraid to really feel it. If I do, and I lose again, how can I ever cope?

Jim gave me a gift which had a quote on it: "When things go wrong, hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.'"

I know that Brian and Sawyer would want us to try again. I believe that with all my heart. When I considered how hard they both fought for life, and how CLOSE we were, I knew that it was the right thing to do. I also believe that God brought me to Dr. Haney and the TAC surgery so that my lifelong dream of being a mother could be fulfilled. The trouble is . . .now that I'm in the middle of it, it's hard to remember, and even harder to believe in.

Terrified doesn't even describe how I feel. It's not a strong enough word. And I used to be able to get out all of my feelings by writing . . .yet now, I am not that interested in writing, further proof of the distance I am creating within myself. So that is why I don't blog much, unless it's to report some important bit of news.

I cried for about an hour today, because suddenly, this little life growing inside of me became painstakingly real . . .and I realized that everything I have ever wanted is riding on the outcome of this pregnancy. I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a mommy. I have the husband I always dreamed of, and I have two boys, but I can't hold them or even see them. The loss of Sawyer and Brian still hurts, and I just pray every day that we make it to the end this time. I know you are all praying, too, and I thank you. It means everything to us, and we know that God is listening.

There is a brokenness out of which comes the unbroken,

A shatteredness out of which blooms the unshatterable.

There is a sorrow beyond all grief which leads to joy

And a fragility out of whose depths emerges strength.

There is a hollow space too vast for words

Through which we pass with each loss,

Out of whose darkness we are sanctified into being.

There is a cry deeper than all sound whose serrated edges cut the heart

As we break open to the place inside which is unbreakable

And whole.

~Rashani

A visit to the ER is always fun, especially when it takes 5 hours.

Saturday night, I couldn't seem to get any sleep. I felt restless and nauseated, and couldn't find a comfortable position. I kept feeling really full and bloated, but didn't know why. I woke up the next morning throwing up. It was really quite horrible--I didn't make it to the bathroom the first time, and my WONDERFUL husband had a mess to clean up. He definitely deserves an award for the way he has taken care of me!!!!!! Anyway, I continued to be sick all day long (thankfully made it to the toilet the other 10 or so times)! Finally, at about 10 pm, Jim called the answering service for our OB and we got a call from the doctor. He advised going to the ER to get re-hydrated, and said that vomiting like that can be a vicious cycle, where you get dehydrated, the dehydration causes nausea, and then the vomiting causes more dehydration. So . . .we went to the ER around 10:00, and didn't get a room until after midnight. I was sick twice more while we were waiting. My mom came to the hospital, because she couldn't sleep until she knew I was okay. She also had stayed during the surgery, which was very sweet. It's nice to have moral support! Finally, at about 12:40, they placed an IV. I got IV fluids and some strong anti-nausea medication for the next 2 1/2 hours. At about 3:00 I was discharged and told I could come back right away for help if any more problems came up.

I had an appointment at the OB office this morning at 9:30, so when the alarm rang at 8:00, naturally I turned it off. Thankfully, I woke up at about 8:45 again, and we made it in time. Everything looks great--baby is looking good with a heart rate of 170. I am feeling a lot better, and got a bottle of Zofran, a very strong antiemetic. I have managed to eat a little today and kept it all down. I am still worried about it happening again, just because it's so miserable, but so far, things are going well.

I am home, and here is a brief summary of how I am doing:

The sugery, which is supposed to take an hour, took over 3 hours. Dr. Haney said it was one of, if not his most, difficult case. Because of my height, he said it was difficult to get where he wanted to be, and also my uterian arteries are exactly parallel to my uterus, while most people's come in at an angle. All of this is probably too much information, but what it means is that combined together, it just made it VERY difficult for him. He also usually makes an incision of a couple of inches, but for me it is about 10-12 inches across my entire stomach. This means the recovery will be a lot more painful.

I was also very scared because I had no choice--I had to be "put under." I had wanted that at first, but then got worried about it, and had pretty much decided on a spinal, but Dr. Haney said it would be too dangerous to do it while I was awake. He said he had to be able to "pull muscles apart" and couldn't do it if I wasn't fully relaxed. In retrospect, I am VERY glad I was under, because it was over 3 hours and very complicated. I would not have wanted to be awake for any of that!!!!

I also experienced an incredible degree of nausea . . .which seemed to get better yesterday late afternoon, but appears to be back. I am hoping this will get better soon, because I hate feeling like I'm going to throw up all the time. Apparently this is because, as Dr. Haney told me, they had to move around my intestines (I know--gross!) At first I thought I was going to have to stay another night, but thankfully, I was able to get up and move around, pee, and all the other stuff that convinced them I was okay to go home. I am a much better "patient" and recover better in my own bed! I finally got some solid sleep without anyone taking my blood pressure or more blood!

However, the outcome is really good. I would trade physical pain ANY day for losing another child, and the upshot is that Dr. Haney is an amazing doctor and surgeon. The reason he took so long was to get it perfect, and it is perfect. When they looked on ultrasound the next day, they saw that the kevlar band is ALL the way at the top of the cervix, just under the uterus, which is optimum placement. He couldn't have gotten it any higher, so it was a perfect outcome. The other perfect part is that the baby, despite all the risks, made it and is doing perfect! Heart rate is between 176-180!

So everything is good, other than the HUGE amount of pain I am in, but that will get better every day over the next few weeks. It will DEFINITELY be worth it in the end.