Friday, February 08, 2008

Since I rarely write here anymore, I wonder if anyone even checks it or reads it. Either way, it's nice to occassionally have a place to express my feelings.

I had the strongest feeling of deja vu tonight that I think I've ever had in my life. I suddenly had the feeling that it was time to call the hospital and check up on Sawyer, then get ready and go to see him. It is impossible to describe the magnitude of how I was feeling. I genuinely found myself living in that moment. I could feel exactly how it felt then . . .how I felt physically, how life felt, how the hospital felt and smelled, how the pumping room felt and smelled, how my little boy looked when I sat next to him, how he held my hand . . .it hit me so hard in about 30 seconds, and I could barely breathe. It feels like another lifetime.

I never want to forget how it felt to be his mom. I was so lucky. I had nothing else in the world to worry about, aside from being Sawyer's mom. I didn't have work or church or any expectations from the rest of the world. In the daily hustle and bustle, it's easy to forget how amazing those 11 days were. It's easy to forget how happy and hopeful we were, and how incredible his little life was. I need to hold so tightly to those feelings and never let them go.

Thanks to all who have been writing, checking up on me, and telling me they miss hearing from me. We just got a new computer. Our old one got to the point where it was barely running, and to check and reply to emails was taking hours. So I'm back, and I have really appreciated everyone's care and concern. We're hanging in there, which I suppose is the best we can do. Love to all.


April said...

It hardly seems like it is possible that these months have passed so quickly. I know he is present with you everyday, but I'm thankful for your brief "return."

Love to you, friend.

Tyler and Gaby's mommy said...

I check your blog almost every single day Amy, your words always bring me comfort!
Sometimes I think when we have those "feelings" or deja vu's that our children are visting us, I honestly believe that. Oh how I miss our boys, all of them. I miss you too.
Thank you for writing again, I miss your words.
Love you!

Anonymous said...

I'm glad your back!!!
I was just looking back on Sawyer's picture on my fridge.
It is hard to believe it was almost a year. And you have made it
through as tough as it was. You are stronger than you think.
Aunt Colleen

Anonymous said...

Amy, I check your blog often! I think about you guys alot! I am glad you are hanging in there. Please keep in touch! I miss you!