I Choose Love

Tonight while we were watching the Academy Awards, something was said that struck both Jim and I . . .and I just wanted to post it, for others to see, yes, but also for me to remember. The man who won an award for best original song (from Slumdog Millionaire) said:

"I had a choice between hate and love. I chose love. And I am here."

I Choose Happiness

Today I am 30 weeks pregnant. The "most pregnant" I made it to before today was 23 weeks 6 days with Sawyer. He was not quite "viable" (24 weeks) . . .and now, my daughter is over 3 lbs. and can breathe air, and . . .is a miracle. Truly a miracle. I'm still doing really well. Physically, my cervix is nearly 5 cm long and Amelie is measuring several weeks larger than the "norm." I couldn't be more excited to meet her, which is making these last few weeks go reaaaaaallllyyyy slowly. But it's worth it. I would do another 30 weeks if I had to, just to make sure she arrived safely. (Don't get me wrong, though--I am SUPER excited that it's only 8 more!)

Also, today I got a message from a really good friend of mine from college. She has cancer. She had a complete hysterectomy and has been going through chemo and radiation. She is a really spirited, positive person who has always made me feel good about myself. She lifts me up, she brings joy into my life, and she has always appreciated me for who I am (and vice versa). It really scared me and broke my heart for her when I found out she was "sick," but I KNEW she would beat it. If anyone in the world could beat cancer, it's her. She is such a strong person, and I admire her so much. Right now, she has gotten PET scan results that the cancer is gone. I continue to pray for her every day and am just waiting, as I told her today, until all of this is just a distant memory.

After all she's been through, this friend had written to tell me she would be honored to throw a shower for me and Amelie. I can't tell you what it meant to have her make this offer. She said it would be a lot of fun and can't wait to do it.

I'm so glad she reminded me of the good in my life. I have friends who love me, who bring light and joy into my life, and who are always there for me. I am lucky. Not everyone has the kind of friends I have, and I need to appreciate them and enjoy the time I have with them. Life is short, and I thank God for bringing such wonderful people into my life.

I have a family who is supportive, always there for me, and has loved my children and husband uncoditionally. They mean the world to me.

I am also blessed with the best husband in the world. He loves me unconditionally, is always there for me, and is truly the best person I have ever met in my life. He is an amazing person. He spends his days taking care of people who are on their way out of this world, and he does it with grace and compassion, giving them dignity in the most difficult time of their (and their family's) lives. I could not be more proud that he is not only my partner, but the father of my children.

And Amelie. What could be more important? I have a beautiful little girl on the way, who I love with all my heart, and who SO MANY people have prayed for, wished for, hoped for . . .and are ready with open arms to welcome into the world. Nothing is better than that.

For those without Facebook or MySpace, here are some pictures of Amelie's nursery!

Wow--it's been awhile since I blogged. Can I say, without it seeming totally insane, that it's because everything is . . .well . . .normal?

It is.

So far, my cervix has held "tight as a drum" (Dr. H's words last week) and has never been measured below 3.5. Sometimes it's almost 5. There has not been the slightest hint of a contraction. Nothing abnormal.

I am pretty much set on making it to the scheduled C-section without a hitch. Of course, I'm certainly not naive. I know what it's like to have lost my first two children. But this time, it's just different. Each week during my pregnancy with Sawyer, it seems like there was just more and more bad news, fear, and anxiety. This time, each week brings reassurance and joy.

But I must be honest here and I do want to talk about one thing. Mostly because I think other mothers who have lost a child will be able to benefit from hearing that it's OKAY to still mourn the loss of your other child(ren) when you are having another. I love Amelie with all my heart and soul. That will never change. I also loved Brian and Sawyer with all my heart and soul, and THAT will never change. She will be loved equally as much as her brothers, but she won't replace them. They will always be missed.

Which leads me to my point: every bit of happiness with this pregnancy is tinged with a bit of sorrow. Every time I get good news about how well things are going, I feel overjoyed . . .yet sometimes I go home and cry, because I wish with ALL MY HEART things could have been the same for our boys. Amelie deserves to have her brothers here as much as we deserve to have our sons with us. I miss them so much.

For awhile, I felt guilty about these feelings, but then I realized that it has nothing to do with Amelie. My feelings about her and her health and happiness are always there. Yet at the same time, so is my sorrow that my boys couldn't have that same health and happiness.

When I found out she was a girl, at first it shook me up! I had no preference (I never have cared either way) . . .but I had been in "boy mode" for years! I had boxes and closets full of boy clothes, toys, blankets, and boy stuff in general. All of a sudden, my whole world was turned upside down at the thought of having a girl. I felt guilt over this too, until I realized that, again, it had nothing to do with my love for Amelie, or my desire to meet and love and raise our little girl. It just meant that for a long, long time, my heart had been geared towards having a son. It was a refocusing for me. It also meant the realization that Brian and Sawyer were really . . .well, gone. I had to let go a little bit more, all over again. While I knew that no one would ever replace them, watching a little boy grow up was what I had dreamed of for them, so I guess part of me felt that it would be like seeing them "live on" through their brother. Now I feel like Amelie will have two of the bravest, strongest, sweetest big brothers watching over her from Heaven, and nothing could bring me more comfort than that. She will know how her brothers paved the way for her safe birth into this world . . .and she will always know THEIR love as well as ours.

I just want to reassure those other moms who will have their dream come true one day too . . .it is OKAY to go through any emotion you need to regarding your children who passed away. It doesn't mean you aren't happy for the birth of your next child, and it doesn't take anything away from the love you have for them. It is a strange and difficult thing to describe, especially to people who might not understand, but that's okay. I understand, and if you need to talk, you know where to find me.


And now, through it all, I am overwhelmed with love for this special, sweet baby girl. I cry when I imagine her birth . . .can't imagine what I'll actually be like on the day! I have longed for a child to fill these arms for so long, and she is our miracle. I thank God for her every single day, and for all He has done to bring her to us safely.

"For this child I have prayed."
~First Samuel, 1:27

Quick Update--I had an appointment today to check my cervix, and everything looks great!

THANK YOU! (and clarification)

Hey--just wanted to thank everybody for their support and all the sweet comments. :) It means a lot to both of us!

I also wanted to clarify something about her name very quickly. I have had a lot of notes from people who say, "I love the name Amelia." I just wanted to point out that I didn't misspell--it is actually AmeliE (e on the end, not a). It is similar to Amelia . . .Amelia being the German, and Amelie the French.

Many people have also asked me how we will pronounce it. It is ah-muh-lee.

Just wanted to make sure I clarified so everyone would know what her name actually is and how to pronounce it. Thanks, everybody! We are so lucky to have such great, supportive friends in our lives. Now, if I can just make it through the next THREE WEEKS without anything happening to my cervix, I think it should be smooth sailing from then on.

Introducing . . .

Amelie Jane Rennie

Our third child

Our first daughter

Waving Hello!

We found out today that we are, as previously suspected, having a girl. We are obviously overjoyed. We didn't mind what gender she was--but we did want to know! We are so lucky to be able to bond with her in this way . . .and we loved that we were able to do the same with our boys before they were ever born. As the ultrasound tech moved the transducer over my belly, I just sobbed . . .even before they told me the gender . . .because I could see her moving all around, looking so beautiful, and it just gets my heart! I could watch her all day! She was so funny--she spent much of the session doing "gymnastics" (the tech said we should sign her up right away for lessons)! She had her feet OVER the top of her head most of the time, and kept rubbing her eyes with her little fists. She also did a bit of a pelvic thrust dance maneuver that cracked us up. She was gorgeous, and we couldn't be prouder to have Brian and Sawyer's little sister on her way!

The "feet-over-head" position she was enjoying today.

Doesn't it look like she's blowing bubbles in this picture? hehe

She looked like she was getting sleepy.

People keep emailing me for updates, which made me realize it's been awhile, so I thought I'd let you all know that everything is going great! I had an appointment on Wednesday to get my p17 shot. I was feeling nervous because I've been feeling very achy and heavy in my pelvic area and inner thighs. I asked the nurse if it was normal, and she seemed a little concerned and said it could be, but she would rather have me see the doctor to be sure.

So of course, I got really worried. I convinced myself that everything was going wrong again. I can still remember during the last pregnancy when I was first told I was "funneling" and there wasn't anything I could really do about it. It was so terrifying. I was really upset and sat crying while I waited in the sono room.

Dr. Harrington checked the cervix without really saying anything, which scared me too. When doctors are overly quiet it makes me nervous! Eventually he finished and started asking me about the heaviness and cramping. Finally, he told me that with a "normal" woman, he would say it was just normal pregnancy aches and pains, but with someone like me (given my history), he wanted to be sure.

So FINALLY he told me my cervix was still long and thick, and I was not dilated at all. What a relief! Everything looks great, so apparently what I am feeling is normal! I also heard from some of the other moms at abbyloopers (a website exclusively for women with a TAC) that it is something most of them have experienced--seems to go hand in hand with incompetent cervix and TAC. I don't mind as long as the baby stays put!!!! I can handle anything as long as he or she gets here safely!

Speaking of the "he/she" thing . . .we have another high-level with Dr. Egley on Tuesday, so hopefully after that I will be able to FINALLY announce whether or not it's a boy or a girl. :) Fingers crossed baby behaves and shows what he/she's got!

I am almost 20 weeks. Within 4 weeks, I will officially be the most pregnant I've ever been. During my pregnancy with Sawyer, I was already on bedrest and funneled, so I feel really happy that nothing has changed so far, and at this point, we are as close to a "normal" pregnancy as I can get! Keep us in your prayers, as this next 3 1/2 weeks are the real scary weeks for me. If we can make it to 25 weeks, I think each week after that will be more and more smooth sailing.

BTW, I wrote to Dr. Haney (I write to him about once every two weeks or so, either with updates or questions) and here is part of what he replied:

"I am delighted that you are progressing well and it will be no time until you are in the third trimester and anticipating your C-section. Your anxieties will be much less the second time around when you have absolute confidence. Good luck."
A.F. Haney

USCIS TRIP TO NAPERVILLE

About a week ago, I was wishing that Jim and I could "get away" for an overnight trip, as we sometimes enjoy doing. It's nice to stay in a hotel (I have always loved it!) and be somewhere different, and feels like a mini-vacation. Well, the exact same day I was mentioning to a friend of mine how I wanted to do that, Jim got a notification from the USCIS that he had to go to Naperville to get biometrics. This is because he has just applied to have the conditions lifted on his permanent residency. Never mind the fact that he already did this two years ago (do fingerprints change??) . . .that's okay. It gave us the excuse we needed to get away!

We stayed about a mile from the biometrics office in Naperville's Staybridge Suites. We LOVED the hotel! It was clean and very nicely decorated. Our room was huge, and had a fridge, stove, microwave, sink, dishwasher, dishes, cable, HBO, DVD player . . .a couch, a desk, and a great view! On top of that, we knew that we would get "light Hors D'oeuvres" on Thursday night. This consisted of: mashed potatoes, gravy, turkey, sweet potatoes, really nice green salad, corn, biscuits, and breadsticks. This was served buffet style, all you could eat, and also included limitless wine (5 different kinds), beer (Miller Light and Samuel Adams Winter Lager), and soda (including iced tea, Powerade, and lemonade). Now, while I clearly couldn't take advantage of the beer or wine, I was still impressed by the offering, and Jim had a glass of pinot grigio . . .and when we go back next summer (which we've already planned to do!) I will certainly enjoy a small glass of wine. :)

That night we drove downtown to see the Christmas window displays at Macy's. It was a lot of fun, though we were a little confused by the window theme. I can't really describe it, except to say that it was like . . .little fairy-type creatures (kind of looked like Thing 1 and Thing 2) who made Christmas stuff out of Chicago . . .like bubblegum using bubbles from Lake Michigan. ?? Your guess is as good as mine. The poems were bizarre and did little to shed any light on the whole thing. But we had a great time and are glad we went! The only glitch was that I am pregnant, and a pregnant woman has to pee . . .a lot. So even though I peed several times before we left, I had to go REALLY BAD when we got there, and it being Thanksgiving, EVERYTHING WAS CLOSED!!!! And the people we asked for help we SOOOOO friendly (note the sarcasm). The clerk in the parking garage looked at me as though I were the dirtiest, most disgusting piece of human crap she'd ever seen and shook her head with a vengeance. hahaha Needless to say, I was relieved when we found a Walgreen's store open on the way back.

The next morning we enjoyed a huge full breakfast of waffles, oatmeal, cold cereal, omelets, bacon, sausage, hash browns, biscuits, gravy, donuts, muffins, bagels, toast, hard-boiled eggs, various fruit, yogurt, and various fruit juices. Yummmmy. We also discovered the hotel had a really nice pool, hot tub, and exercise room, along with FREE washers and dryers for guests! We debated for about 2 hours about going to the Brookfield Zoo. We had decided to go, when I started to feel a little heavy and crampy . . .which is "normal" (apparently) for this stage of pregnancy, but for someone like me, it's hard to know what normal is, and so we decided to take it easy instead. We agreed that the Brookfield trip will be another thing we do when we stay next summer, as well as Shedd Aquarium, The Field Museum of Natural History, The Museum of Science and Industry, and The Art Institute of Chicago. Looks like we'll have to stay for a week!

So instead of going to the zoo, we settled for coffee and reading at Borders, followed by a painful excursion into a parking lot . . .see, we forgot it was "Black Friday" (shuddering) and decided to go out for lunch at a Cajun place. So we turned into a mall parking lot at 12:50 PM, realizing instantly it was a mistake. They had traffic cones blocking off the turn we needed to take, because they wanted all traffic to move in a gigantic circle around the mall. There were very frustrated traffic cops at every intersection, and people literally (for real!) crashing their cars into each other, all trying to get the BEST DEAL! The circle was 2 lanes wide on each side. Well, we travelled all the way around, could not get over to the turning lane to get to the restaurant we wanted, passed the point where we needed to turn to get out of the lot because no one would let us over STILL, continued in another half-circle before FINALLY we caught a break and were able to get over . . .and turned out of the parking lot at 1:20 p.m. THIRTY minutes and several near-crashes later, we finally were free. I'm not even going to get started on how I feel about the way most people behave on "Black Friday" because this blog would never end. We ended up stopping about 20 miles further on our route at a place called Johnny Rockets, which was like an old-fashioned diner. We arrived home at dusk to pick up our whiny little Beagle from the kennel. And I say whiny only because it's very cute the way she whines when we get her . . .like, "How COULD you??" All the way home, we ask her about various favorite pursuits of hers, such as, "You want to see Sammy???" (our cat) and she howls hysterically.

All in all, we had a wonderful time and a little trip away from home was just what the doctor ordered. Now, back to reality. *sigh*



I had to post this, just so Jim's family could see what a dork he still is! hahaha

Our Christmas Dance

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

UPDATE!

Okay, first and MOST IMPORTANTLY . . .the baby is healthy! I got the quad marker test results (finally) and they were absolutely wonderful, and the baby looked great today.

However . . .the moment we have all been waiting for, sadly, will not arrive for at least another week, possibly 3 weeks. Dr. Egley could not tell yet if it was a boy or a girl. So you're all just going to have to be patient--like mom and dad--until we can tell for sure!

I will be going back to Dr. Egley's in 3 weeks. I was not quite far along enough yet for him to check all the things he wanted to . . .but I am a lot less nervous for next time, being fairly sure this baby is healthy. If there are some problems, we will be glad to know so that we can get them taken care of after the baby is born. My prayer this whole week was to know that this is our miracle baby, and that whatever the test results came back, I would know that he or she is a PERFECT creation of God, and no matter what I would love and cherish him or her. And I prayed that we will be the best parents we can be to whoever this baby is. :)

Dr. Egley did tell me that Dr. Harrington spoke with him on the phone just this morning about my case, and about scheduling my C-section. They decided at that time that I should have the C-section at one day short of 38 weeks (possibly because I'll be 38 weeks on a Saturday?) . . .and by our calculations, that should be on April 17. Who knows--this could change, as we are all aware that things don't always follow a perfect plan. But if things happen the way Dr. Egley seemed to think they will, then April 17 would be a perfect day. I will have the steroid shots for the baby's lungs, just to make certain that everything is okay in the breathing department.

Next week I have an ultrasound with Dr. H, so we'll see if he can tell any clearer whether this is a he or a she! :) Please continue to keep us in your prayers--I am right smack dab in the "risky time" of this pregnancy. If we can get from 16 weeks to 26 weeks without problems, we should make it to the end just fine!

QUICK UPDATE:

1.) Today my cervix measured 3.9 cm with no funneling. This is exactly what it measured the day BEFORE my surgery! When I was 15 weeks along with Sawyer, it was around 3 cm. So this is GREAT NEWS!

2.) Our OB has speculated on the gender of baby #3. He says he is 50-80% sure. :) So Jim made me swear to keep it a secret until after our high-level ultrasound in 12 days! I will announce it if we are able to see for sure on that day. Until then . . .I'm going to get a poll to have everyone vote on what they think! That should be fun!

3.) I started my p17 shots today to make sure I don't have preterm contractions. That thing hurt like heck. It actually BURNED going in, and still hurts now. However, it WILL be worth it in the end . . .I keep repeating it to myself to make sure I remember!

Wow--two for the price of one today! I'm on a roll!

Well, I have done it. I've started to believe. Kind of.

I felt the baby move recently, and it's been happening nightly. When I'm sitting or lying very still, I can sometimes feel him/her rolling around. Jim's been able to feel it once too.

I also bought some baby clothes. Steve and Barry's is going out of business, so I bought a few gender-neutral outfits and lots of baby socks. I also bought the sweetest onesie . . .it has baby Dumbo on it, and says, "Mama's Little Peanut."

I've also started to dream of putting the nursery together, of baby showers, and of all the things we will do to prepare for this little one.

I start my shots today. I am almost halfway through the pregnancy, and only 6 weeks away from the point where things have gone wrong before. I have a feeling I'm going to sail right through. I didn't have that confidence when I was pregnant with Sawyer. I was scared all the time. But this time, I know the TAC will hold. I have heard from several women who all made it full term, with no complications. I am praying for this every day. I pray no pre-term labor, no contractions, no gestational diabetes, no high blood-pressure. But most importantly, I pray this baby will make it as close to full term as possible with the TAC, and that he/she will be born healthy and we can take him/her home.

I have fallen in love, and I can't wait to meet our child for the first time. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I long for the moment I see our baby's face and look into his/her eyes . . .and just know that I am mom to a living child, finally. I miss our boys so much, but I know they will be SUCH a huge part of that moment. They will be part of our lives no matter what, and our third child will always know how much mommy and daddy love ALL their children, and how proud we are of them.

Little one . . .I can't wait to hold you. I have longed for this moment all my life. Your dad and I are waiting, every day, with the highest of hopes and hearts full of love.

(And very soon I should be able to stop with the him/her stuff and find out for sure!)

I just wanna say how awesome and amazing Extreme Home Makeover is. I have ALWAYS loved and watched the show, and now, guess what?? They are doing a house in Pekin. Not only is that pretty cool . . .what's even cooler is that it is the house of my friend's family!!! I personally know someone involved!!! My friend Rachel's (aka Kiki) parents' home is the one being redone, and I couldn't be happier for them! They are great people, and very deserving of this great gift. I love a show that promotes giving and caring amongst fellow community members--what could be better than that?


Here's a story:
http://www.pjstar.com/news_county/x76323062/Makeovers-bittersweet-beginning

(Rachel is the one crying in the front row when the house is demolished. And Rachel, if you read this blog, trust me, I get it! I ALWAYS cry when they demolish the houses on the show. I know I would do the same thing, no matter how awesome I knew the end result would be . . .that's your house, and all the memories . . .wow. Brave woman.)

If you click on the photo on the left side of the page, it will take you to a slideshow of lots of pictures from the day!

My cousin told me about this song, and I thought I would post the lyrics here today.

Glory Baby by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Feeling . . .

There's a line from a Sarah McLachlan song that says, "I won't fear love."

I think I do, and I want to change that, but I'm not quite sure how to go about it.

I realized today, while watching a video from a mom who lost two boys, had a TAC, and now has a healthy baby girl, that my fear is preventing me from feeling. I am afraid to love this baby. I know I do, of course . . .but I'm afraid to really feel it. If I do, and I lose again, how can I ever cope?

Jim gave me a gift which had a quote on it: "When things go wrong, hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.'"

I know that Brian and Sawyer would want us to try again. I believe that with all my heart. When I considered how hard they both fought for life, and how CLOSE we were, I knew that it was the right thing to do. I also believe that God brought me to Dr. Haney and the TAC surgery so that my lifelong dream of being a mother could be fulfilled. The trouble is . . .now that I'm in the middle of it, it's hard to remember, and even harder to believe in.

Terrified doesn't even describe how I feel. It's not a strong enough word. And I used to be able to get out all of my feelings by writing . . .yet now, I am not that interested in writing, further proof of the distance I am creating within myself. So that is why I don't blog much, unless it's to report some important bit of news.

I cried for about an hour today, because suddenly, this little life growing inside of me became painstakingly real . . .and I realized that everything I have ever wanted is riding on the outcome of this pregnancy. I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a mommy. I have the husband I always dreamed of, and I have two boys, but I can't hold them or even see them. The loss of Sawyer and Brian still hurts, and I just pray every day that we make it to the end this time. I know you are all praying, too, and I thank you. It means everything to us, and we know that God is listening.

There is a brokenness out of which comes the unbroken,

A shatteredness out of which blooms the unshatterable.

There is a sorrow beyond all grief which leads to joy

And a fragility out of whose depths emerges strength.

There is a hollow space too vast for words

Through which we pass with each loss,

Out of whose darkness we are sanctified into being.

There is a cry deeper than all sound whose serrated edges cut the heart

As we break open to the place inside which is unbreakable

And whole.

~Rashani

A visit to the ER is always fun, especially when it takes 5 hours.

Saturday night, I couldn't seem to get any sleep. I felt restless and nauseated, and couldn't find a comfortable position. I kept feeling really full and bloated, but didn't know why. I woke up the next morning throwing up. It was really quite horrible--I didn't make it to the bathroom the first time, and my WONDERFUL husband had a mess to clean up. He definitely deserves an award for the way he has taken care of me!!!!!! Anyway, I continued to be sick all day long (thankfully made it to the toilet the other 10 or so times)! Finally, at about 10 pm, Jim called the answering service for our OB and we got a call from the doctor. He advised going to the ER to get re-hydrated, and said that vomiting like that can be a vicious cycle, where you get dehydrated, the dehydration causes nausea, and then the vomiting causes more dehydration. So . . .we went to the ER around 10:00, and didn't get a room until after midnight. I was sick twice more while we were waiting. My mom came to the hospital, because she couldn't sleep until she knew I was okay. She also had stayed during the surgery, which was very sweet. It's nice to have moral support! Finally, at about 12:40, they placed an IV. I got IV fluids and some strong anti-nausea medication for the next 2 1/2 hours. At about 3:00 I was discharged and told I could come back right away for help if any more problems came up.

I had an appointment at the OB office this morning at 9:30, so when the alarm rang at 8:00, naturally I turned it off. Thankfully, I woke up at about 8:45 again, and we made it in time. Everything looks great--baby is looking good with a heart rate of 170. I am feeling a lot better, and got a bottle of Zofran, a very strong antiemetic. I have managed to eat a little today and kept it all down. I am still worried about it happening again, just because it's so miserable, but so far, things are going well.

I am home, and here is a brief summary of how I am doing:

The sugery, which is supposed to take an hour, took over 3 hours. Dr. Haney said it was one of, if not his most, difficult case. Because of my height, he said it was difficult to get where he wanted to be, and also my uterian arteries are exactly parallel to my uterus, while most people's come in at an angle. All of this is probably too much information, but what it means is that combined together, it just made it VERY difficult for him. He also usually makes an incision of a couple of inches, but for me it is about 10-12 inches across my entire stomach. This means the recovery will be a lot more painful.

I was also very scared because I had no choice--I had to be "put under." I had wanted that at first, but then got worried about it, and had pretty much decided on a spinal, but Dr. Haney said it would be too dangerous to do it while I was awake. He said he had to be able to "pull muscles apart" and couldn't do it if I wasn't fully relaxed. In retrospect, I am VERY glad I was under, because it was over 3 hours and very complicated. I would not have wanted to be awake for any of that!!!!

I also experienced an incredible degree of nausea . . .which seemed to get better yesterday late afternoon, but appears to be back. I am hoping this will get better soon, because I hate feeling like I'm going to throw up all the time. Apparently this is because, as Dr. Haney told me, they had to move around my intestines (I know--gross!) At first I thought I was going to have to stay another night, but thankfully, I was able to get up and move around, pee, and all the other stuff that convinced them I was okay to go home. I am a much better "patient" and recover better in my own bed! I finally got some solid sleep without anyone taking my blood pressure or more blood!

However, the outcome is really good. I would trade physical pain ANY day for losing another child, and the upshot is that Dr. Haney is an amazing doctor and surgeon. The reason he took so long was to get it perfect, and it is perfect. When they looked on ultrasound the next day, they saw that the kevlar band is ALL the way at the top of the cervix, just under the uterus, which is optimum placement. He couldn't have gotten it any higher, so it was a perfect outcome. The other perfect part is that the baby, despite all the risks, made it and is doing perfect! Heart rate is between 176-180!

So everything is good, other than the HUGE amount of pain I am in, but that will get better every day over the next few weeks. It will DEFINITELY be worth it in the end.

Pregnancy/Surgery Update

Well . . .my medical card FINALLY arrived (phew!) and my surgery is now scheduled. It will be on Monday, October 6 at Duchossois Center for Advanced Medicine. I will then stay at Bernard Mitchell Hospital across the street. Dr. Arthur F. Haney will perform the Transabdominal Cerclage (or TAC). TACs have a 95+% success rate, which is all the more incredible considering all of those who have a TAC have had failed TVCs and Incompetent Cervix. Dr. Haney has been amazing--always ready and available to answer all of my questions, very reassuring, and very positive. He's a great physician and surgeon--a rare find indeed. And I also joined an online community of women who all have had TACs and success stories abound! I am feeling very positive and excited about this. Please keep us in your prayers--there are risks to the surgery, just as with any surgery, so we could sure use them.

About Dr. Haney:
Dr. Haney is Chairman of Obstetrics & Gynecology and the Catherine Lindsay Dobson Professor in Obstetrics & Gynecology at the University of Chicago.

The recipient of numerous honors, including a Distinguished Professor Award from Duke in 1986, Haney has served as president of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, as president of the Congress of the International Federation of Fertility Societies, as well as an examiner and director of the American Board of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

He has published more than 100 articles in peer-reviewed journals, authored dozens of review articles and book chapters, and served as editor for the 9th edition of the most widely used textbook for medical students and residents, Danforth's Obstetrics and Gynecology.

He also has served as a consultant on fertility issues to the United States Environmental Protection Agency, the National Institute on Environmental Health Sciences, the National Cancer Institute, the U.S. Food & Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control and the President's Council on Bioethics.

Dr. Haney specializes in abdominal cerclage.

LINKS:
Duchossois Center for Advanced Medicine
Arthur F. Haney, MD
University of Chicago Medical Center Obstetrics and Gynecology

In other news, please pray for my uncle as well. He is in the hospital with some heart problems, though I'm not sure exactly what is going on right now. He was NOT having a heart attack, so this is good news. His heart rate is also improving.

I realize I haven't been saying much about the pregnancy yet. There has been a reason for that. I am very, very early . . .even earlier than I had first thought when I went to the doctor. Apparently, I found out about a week to 10 days post conception. So I am just now between 5-6 weeks. I was nervous at first, because last week when I went in, the nurse said my pregnancy test (urine) was "very light." So they did a sono, and all they saw was a small gestational sac, which apparently is normal for early pregnancy. However, it can also be that way if you have a blighted ovum or other such complications. They took my blood and had me come back 2 days later to do it again to make sure the hCG was doubling.

I was afraid to talk about things because I was really, really worried. Even though I didn't really tell anyone, I just felt so afraid of something going wrong in this early stage, and how hard it would be . . .especially since I have already told everyone. Sometimes when you start THIS early in the pregnancy, it can be scary! There's not a whole lot they can see or do at 3-4 weeks, but we want definite answers! We are praying a lot and learning a lot of patience already.

So . . .the good news is that my hCG looks great. It is doubling, and the numbers are right in the 4-6 week range.

The best news is that I had another sono today. This time the gestational sac was much larger than a week ago, and the doctor could see the yolk sac and fetal pole, both of which are very important to identify at this stage! I go back for another sono next week, and hopefully at that point there will be a heartbeat.

Keep praying that things continue to develop normally and this baby is healthy!