Holding Daddy's wedding band

After surgery--we got a closer look while the cover was off his isolette

Well . . .we have bad news and good news, as usual.

This morning we rushed to the hospital to meet with the surgeons. Sawyer's intestine has perforated. We were given the option of "letting him go." We were told that his chances of surviving exploratory surgery to see the extent of the damage were slim to none. However, were were also given the option of having the surgeon put in a drain to see if they could get rid of the fluid, buy him some more time to see if he remains stable enough to do potential surgery, and see if this shows the extent of the damage as well. If his intestinal perforation is small enough, it will heal on it's own.

The good news is that the surgery happened at 8:30ish this morning. We were told by both Dr. Ramiro (his head doctor) and the surgeon, Dr. Pearl, that the next 12-24 hours would show results, one way or the other. Either his stats would plummet or remain stable. They have, thus far, remained stable, and we are over 14 hours out. He is still producing adequate urine, and the drain is doing its job by getting rid of the "bad stuff" in his abdomen.

Our prayers are that he will continue to remain stable and improve, and that the intestinal perforation is small and will heal on its own. Please keep praying hard.

Also . . .thank you so much for your emails, cards, calls, and messages. I have not had much of a chance to respond to each of you individually. Please understand that I am not ignoring you--my husband and I read every one of your messages and they mean so much to us. When things settle down a bit, I will be able to more personally address each of you. For now, please don't think we aren't appreciative of your messages--they honestly mean SO much to us and help to keep us positive. Thank you so much.

Love,
Jim, Amy, Brian, and Sawyer

Well . . .today is our first wedding anniversary. After nearly 48 hours without urine, our little boy gave us a wet diaper! There wasn't much, but it was there--the nurse weighed it twice to make sure! There was also a little bit in the catheter tube. AND he had a tiny bit of "stool." These are the things we have been praying our hearts out to God for, and he answered yet again. His other numbers/stats are looking very good. We could never have asked for more. Everyone kept asking us what we did for our anniversary . . .well, we are proud to say, we spent it with our son. Keep praying for his kidneys, liver, bowels, and lungs.

Happy Easter.

Love,
Jim, Amy, Brian, and Sawyer

See that yellow stuff in the tube? That's his little pee! :)

Sawyer was very active tonight, and totally played for the camera. So, for everyone, but in particular his Grandma and Grandpa across the pond, John and Jane, meet Sawyer!


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Well, God has given us the grace to make it through another rough one. I won't say a whole lot, because it's difficult . . .it was a tough morning for baby Sawyer. We were told at 8 pm we'd have to make decisions. Then, as usual, he pulled out all the stops and began to improve. We have a specific prayer request for tonight and tomorrow. His major issue right now is that his kidneys are failing. This could be full failure, or it could be (we HOPE) that they were just shocked because of his low blood pressure. They are hoping that the meds they are giving him, along with continued good pressure, will get them working again. Please pray for his little kidneys, that God would heal them and help them to begin their function again.

Thank you all beyond measure.

Love,
Amy, Jim, Brian, and Sawyer

Another Day

Sawyer is still fighting. We are tired and in need of rest, so I will keep this brief, but keep praying for our little fighter. He is as "tough and rugged" as his name implies. We love him more every day, and every day miracles happen in his little body, so please pray with us that this will be a continuing pattern.

We read him goodnight tonight and last night . . .his Uncle Keith and Aunt Ashleigh (and little cousin Kyleigh) bought him "Love You Forever," so that was his story last night. Tonight I read him the Little Golden Book about God, and Jim read him "On the Day You Were Born." We also played "Blackbird" by the Beatles for him today, and put several items and pictures in his isolette so he would see and feel how much he is loved.

Mommy's Bedtime Story

Daddy's Bedtime Story

Sawyer's Isolette with pictures of the Beatles, mommy, daddy, and the whole family.

First of all, I am sorry I do not have time to write each of you individually. I promise I will do so when I can.

Sawyer had a rough day today. Earlier in the morning, the doctors were talking to Jim and I about decisions we might have to make about prolonging his life or letting him go. The main issue was his blood pressure, which dropped dangerously low. Then, when they used Dopamine to try to help him, his heart rate was racing, so they couldn't seem to find a balance. The doctors and nurses were all very grim and didn't seem to think he would last very long.

This all started at 9 a.m. when we arrived at the hospital. It is now 10:36, and for the past couple of hours, Sawyer's blood pressure has been back to normal. The doctors and nurses are now fairly certain he will hold stable through the night!

God does amazing things. Please, please . . .we know you are praying, but if you could, double your efforts. We know each day with our baby boy is a miracle, but we're not ready to let him go, and neither are the doctors. He keeps proving to everyone what a fighter he is, so we know he isn't ready to go either. He is so loved, and we know that God's amazing power can work through this little guy. His lungs are still a major issue. Even for a 24 weeker, they are weak, which is not good news. However, the doctors do feel that if they can get the balance right, he could heal. The problem is that they seem to be either over-inflating, which causes a risk of air pockets and blows, or under-inflating, which has caused some collapsed areas. They need to be able to find a balance, and it's been a struggle. So please keep praying, keep sending him your love . . .we know he feels it! He's an amazing, beautiful child.

Thank you all so much for everything!!

Love,

Jim, Amy, Brian, and Sawyer

Hello!

Well, today certainly was an adventure, and I am moved to celebrate the extraordinary juggling skills of the NICU staff. Providing Sawyer with a safe environment for his continued growth, and the right answers to his physical challenges is like cooking five meals, on five stovetops for five different people who all want to eat at exactly five o'clock sharp. It's amazing. Anyway, thought it was time for a couple of pictures.

Sawyer at about 8:00PM on the day of his birth. That's Amy's finger in his hand.

Sawyer is such a brave little guy. He lay quietly while I took his temperature under his arm tonight, though wriggled furiously when I changed his diaper, which proves that he already possesses a keen sense of not wanting to show off his rude bits in brightly lit places. Quite right. I did okay though!

Also, a real surprise, and treat for us today: Sawyer opened his eyes for the first time.

He's still hanging in there great. After a day of big improvements - a definite two steps forward - he took the requisite half-shuffle back tonight, but the end result was a clear gain. A good day.

SAWYER JAMES RENNIE

Just to let everyone know that Sawyer James Rennie, our son, was born on Saturday March 31st 2007 at 2:43PM at OSF Saint Francis Medical Center in Peoria. He weighed 1lb 9ozs, ansd was 16 weeks and 1 day premature. He is currently in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU!) where he is doing extremely well, and beginning his new adventure in life with great courage and strength.

He is the most beautiful baby, and fighting very hard to continue to grow and stay strong. Any prayers and good wishes would help him tremendously - we are telling him lots how very much he is loved.

Amy is doing very well, and is already up and around, and feeling strong. We are both proud beyond words. :)

Love to you all!

Jim, Amy, and Sawyer

JIM IS SPIDERMAN!

Hello, and long-time-no-blog! How is everyone? Hope you're all excellent.

So... on Saturday at Wal-Mart we had a promotion, jointly hosted by the toy department and our one-hour photo lab, where kids could come to the toy department between 10am and 2pm to get their picture taken with Spiderman. There was much preparation. First, we had to arrange rental of a Spiderman suit, as we were not granted the luxury of a man-in-suit as some other Wal-Marts did, and thought that the two-feet high cardboard cutouts we were given instead were.. well, if not crap, then a huge potential disappointment for the kids we had lured to the toy department with flyers and P.A. announcements promising a chance to meet Spiderman.

We arranged staffing for the lab, a guy from the toy department was supposed to be in early to set up the backdrop, and two of the managers agreed to dress in the suit for two-hours each. We had the bakery make two boxes of Spiderman cupcakes to offer the kids, we had our cameras ready the night before and... it all went the Wal-Mart way. I arrived at 10:05 am, and NOTHING was set up. On top of that, the manager who was supposed to "be" Spiderman for the first two hours had "not been told about it", the other was not in until 12:00pm. It was at least 50p/c the responsibility of the photo lab to make the day happen and, as manager, about 49p/c of that was mine. Panic was in the air like a very fat blimp, and indeed Hindenburg-like crash-and-burn film footage, and images of crying kids and angry parents began flashing through my mind at a great rate of frames-per-second. Anyway, to cut a long story at least in half, we drafted in, until he had to leave for lunch, David, who works in dairy, who agreed, for reasons unknown, to don the suit and save the day. Or should I say, half of it.

If you hadn't already caught on, guess who else got to be Spiderman, in the middle of Pekin Wal-Mart, in an INCREDIBLY hot suit, for just over two hours?

Here's the pics:

SpideyJim meets the kids - these little guys happen to be Mo, and Bo, the children of Amy Aluyi (background) who goes to our church. The kids go to Amy's daycare too.

The kids were all really, really cute, but otherwise fell into three distinct categories. Namely:

- Abject terror. ("I don't like this AT ALL.")

- Completely unimpressed. ("Wow. A guy with a suit on. Backwards.")

- Excited beyond all reason. ("It's REALLY Spiderman!!!!!!! I love you SPIDERMAAAAN!!!")

It was a welcome break from the norm - oh, and I decided that when Sawyer grows up we are definitely renting Spiderman suits for a day. :)

SpideyJim takes a moment out to have a chat with Jeramy (not a spelling misteak) from ICS.

We did it!!! Here's SpideyJim, after the successful completion of the Spiderman promotion. It was at this point that somebody pointed out that I'd had my suit on backwards the entire time, which is such a SpideyJim thing to do. I actually felt very proud that we made it all work out - I had privately SWORN when the promotion was announced that there was no incitement, inducement, or cooing would make me put that suit on, but I did and, though I admit it grudgingly, had a little bit of fun too.

This is SO going on my resume.

Bereaved Parents Wish List

I wish my child hadn't died. I wish I had him back. I wish you wouldn't be afraid to speak my child's name. My child lived and was very important to me. I need to hear that he was important to you also. If I cry and get emotional when you talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn't because you have hurt me. My child's death is the cause of my tears. You have talked about my child and you have allowed me to share my grief. I thank you for both. Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn't shy away from me. I need you now more than ever. I need diversions, so I do want to hear about you, but I also want you to hear about me. I might be sad and I might cry, but I wish you would let me talk about my child; my favorite topic of the day. I know that you think of and pray for me often. I also know that my child's death pains you too. I wish you would let me know these things through a phone call, a card or note, or a real big hug. I wish you wouldn't expect my grief to be over. These first years are traumatic for me, but I wish you could understand that my grief will never be over. I will suffer the death of my child until the day I die. I am working hard in my recovery, but I wish you could understand that I will never fully recover. I will always miss my child and I will always grieve that he is dead. I wish you wouldn't expect me "not to think about it" or "be happy". Neither will happen for a very long time, so don't frustrate yourself. I don't want to have a "Pity party", but I do wish you would let me grieve. I must hurt before I can heal. I wish you understood how my life has shattered. I know it is miserable for you to be around me when I'm feeling miserable. Please be as patient with me as I am with you. When I say, "I'm doing okay", I wish you could understand that I don't "feel" okay and that I struggle daily. I wish you knew that all of the grief reactions I'm having are very normal. Depression, anger, hopelessness and overwhelming sadness are all to be expected. So please excuse me when I'm quiet and withdrawn or irritable and cranky. Your advice to "take it one day at a time" is excellent advice. However, a day is too much and too fast for me right now. I wish you could understand that I'm doing good to handle an hour at a time. Please excuse me if I seem rude, certainly not my intent. Sometimes the world around me goes too fast and I need to get off. When I walk away, I wish you would let me find a quiet place to spend time alone. I wish you understood that grief changes people. When my child died, a big part of me died with him. I am not the same person I was before my child died and I will never be that person again. I wish very much that you could understand ~ understand my loss and my grief. But I pray daily that you will never understand.

I have always love the Oscars. Ever since I was a little girl, I would dream of the speech I would give if I would win, and how I would act when other people got their awards. It has always made me really happy to watch. I know a lot of people think that it's all just a bunch of fake Hollywood glamour, but you know what? Watching tonight, I realized how much those people can affect the world around them. I love the fact that people who are artists are often more sensitive and emotional about the world around them. I love that Al Gore won an award for caring about our environment--something that people have mocked him for the last 30 years about, and yet, he was finally recognized and applauded as the genuinely good and caring person that I believe he is. I love that tonight I heard a woman speak in Chinese and a man speak in Italian. I love that there was a French presenter, a Japanese presenter, and a German presenter. I love that people all over the world, from Britain to Israel won awards and were recognized for their contributions to the screen. I love that a lesbian hosted, and another lesbian won an award for best song and thanked her wife. I love that Jennifer Hudson, a girl who 2 years ago was living in Chicago like anyone else, and who Simon Cowell said would never make it because of her size, was on that stage tonight, belting it out with Beyonce, and winning her Academy Award. I love that Queen Latifah came out, a full figured woman who is absolutely gorgeous and so classy. I love that the little girl from "Little Miss Sunshine" (Abby Breslin) was there, smiling her sweet, genuine smile, dressed in the sweetest, cutest little dress, not being skinny and Hollywood and made-up and glamourous, just being an intelligent and fun little girl. I love that this one night of the year makes a film lover like me feel proud and wish, once again, that I could be a part of such a profession, where reality meets with one's craft, and where artists strive to change the world through their art. As Ellen said, tonight was the most international Oscar ceremony in history, and I am so proud of all of those involved. Their films not only change the world by example, but so do the artists involved by the things they say and do, by and large. Give me any one of them over Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton or Jessica Simpson or Brittney Spears any day. They also change each of us who believe in the magic of stories, whether on film, stage, or in books . . .they make us laugh and cry and everything in between. The Oscar goes to the Oscars for years and years of entertaining, challenging, and inspiring us all!

We found out for sure today that we are expecting a son, who will be named Sawyer James Rennie! He is a big time mover and shaker, just like his older brother. We are very excited!!! Please continue to keep us in your prayers, and thank you all for your support so far!

PS Jim came home exactly one year ago, so Happy Anniversary to us! :)

So. Tonight we watched "Munich." We stupidly decided at 12:30 p.m. to go and get something to drink from the machines outside Super V. Keep in mind that we had a blizzard a few days ago, and then it started snowing again earlier tonight. So, we got our little sodas and started on our way home. About a block from our house, Jim drove right into a very, very large mountain of snow. I immediately freaked out and asked him what the bleep he thought he was doing. As I said it, the car stops dead. I told him NOT to stop or we'd never get out . . .but too late. We were completely stuck. We tried in vain to get out for about 15 minutes. Jim got out to push. Nothing worked. Going 2 inches backward, then 2 inches forward, each time hitting a wall of snow was not helping anything. We started to smell the scent of burning rubber. SO . . .without a coat or hat or gloves or socks or ANYTHING sensible, Jim walked home. As I waited in the car, wearing my bathrobe and sandals, he put on socks, sweatshirt with hood, and gloves, and grabbed a shovel and a gallon jug of hot water. We think it's the hot water that saved us. After about 20 minutes of Jim digging and pouring water under the tires, I was able to reverse quite a long way and then went forward through the drift. I had to continue driving until I made my way out of a network of small hills, during which time I almost peed my pants because it was like driving in Crazy Taxi or some such game. I felt like a stunt driver in a movie. I almost hit a guy's truck parked along the road and skidded halfway in a circle before coming to rest in an area fairly sparse of snow. Jim got in, I laughed really hard, still almost peeing myself, and we came home. How's that for a fun-filled night?

The Most Thanks

I have to say . . .sorry to the rest of you, I'm sure your partners are nice and all . . .but mine is the best. :) I have to thank Jim the most, because he is the most amazing man in the entire universe, and I am so lucky he is mine. He took (and is taking) really good care of me. I love him SOOOO so much. I know that we (baby and I) could never have done this without him.

My mom was also amazing, and never left the entire time I was in surgery and recovering in the hospital. So thanks to her too, for being the world's best mom.

I know I also could not have done this without my God. Being able to pray the whole time they were doing this, asking him to protect the baby, was what gave me strength.

Finally, thanks to my Dad, Ashleigh, Kyleigh, and Pastor Dave for stopping by to see me in the hospital. Thanks also to Kathie and Sarah for offering to come! All of you mean a lot to us!

Recovery!

Hey, everybody. Just writing a quick note to let you all know that baby and I are both a-ok! I want to thank you all for your prayers and well-wishes. If I don't write back personally, it is because I am supposed to be on bedrest, and because so many of you were so kind! Anyway, please know how much it has meant to both Jim and I, as well as our little one. I'd particularly like to thank my family, Jim's family, and Kathie for their support.

The surgery itself was fine. I was wide awake for everything, as they didn't even want to give me any relaxant (for the baby's sake). They had told me on Monday at my pre-op appointment that I would get SOMETHING (not the regular joy-juice, but at least something to relax me). So when the anesthesiologist told me that they wouldn't, I started crying. I pretty much cried from that point until I was numb from the waist down. I have to be honest and admit it was the scariest thing that I have ever experienced. Being taken flat on your back into a freezing cold room full of people wearing masks, seeing huge lights that look like they belong on a spaceship on the ceiling, and being put on a cold table that is barely wide enough to lay on . . .yeah, not fun. Then, the ONE thing I was most worried about--the spinal--they had trouble with. She (Carolyn) gave me a shot to numb the area, which really hurt, but then she started pushing the tube in (before they insert the super long needle) and it KILLED. I kept shouting "ow!" and crying, and she's like, "You shouldn't be feeling that! Where are you feeling that?" I said, "My BACK!" (should that have been hard to figure out???) Finally, after about 15 minutes, she quit torturing me and went and got the head of the department, Dr. Kuba. He did it in about 30 seconds and it didn't hurt at all.

So after that, I went numb from my belly button to my toes. I kept getting annoyed because they hadn't started yet, so after like 10 minutes, I asked the nurse when they were going to start. She told me they were almost done! I had absolutely NO clue whatsoever that anything was going on. There was a sheet hung up, so I couldn't see, and I felt absolutely nothing! That was pretty amazing. Then another scary part came when they had to lean me back, and the medicine made my arms and shoulders numb too. I tried to swallow, found I couldn't, and choked. I couldn't swallow or cough, which really freaked me out, but was actually fine and didn't kill me. The surgery itself (apart from the spinal catastrophe) only lasted 12 minutes! The doctor was really happy with it, and seemed more pumped than I ever have seen him before! That gave me confidence. Jim and my mom said that he was really excited and happy when he came out to talk to them, too.

So then they wheeled me to recovery, where I discovered a new tip I will share with you all. My blood pressure kept sinking incredibly, dangerously low. They had to give me 2 intra-muscular shots (which I didn't feel, courtesy of the spinal) to try to stabalize it. In the meantime, I got nauseous. They also kept giving me meds through the iv for the nausea, but it wasn't helping. They had started doing that when I told them I felt sick during the surgery itself. I finally felt like I was about 2 seconds away from throwing up, so I told the nurse, and she just threw a towel next to me and said, "Make sure to turn your head." This entire time, some nurse was trying to get the baby's heartbeat and not doing a very good job of it (because she's not an OB person and not used to knowing where to look at what point in someone's pregnancy), so she's pressing like a fool on my tummy, which by now is regaining feeling. That didn't help. I was already dry-heaving, and this other nurse gave me an alcohol pad and told me to sniff it. This is my tip. If you are ever feeling nauseated, sniff alcohol. She told me one of their surgeons had done research on it and talked to the whole staff, and they'd been trained to start giving nauseous patients alcohol pads. It is AMAZING. It works, honestly. I was sniffing alcohol pads like a champ for the next 1/2 hour, and it really kept me from throwing up. She told me she'd never seen it fail yet, and told me it was perfectly safe to do during my pregnancy for morning sickness too! Luckily I haven't had any, but still--nice thing to know! Try it next time, you'll be surprised!

Ok, so then they took me upstairs once my blood pressure was stable and I could (sorta) move my legs and feet. I was half laughing/half crying in that sorta insane way because the effects of the numbing were so frustrating! Trying to move your toes and not being able to is really a strange feeling. The next horror story was when my legs finally fully woke up--I told the nurse I REALLY needed to go to the bathroom, and she pulled out the . . .ugh . . .catheter bag to show me. Yeah, didn't even know it. I HATE that feeling (having a catheter). So I had to have that connected for the next 2 hours. It was hellish, and then when they removed it, it really, really, really hurt. I don't know why, but I would rather wear a diaper than have one of those. It REALLY bothers me a lot. Those two hours were the longest part of the day.

After that, everything slowly got better and better. I had been told I would have to spend the night, but I was not bleeding (I had only a few spots afterwards) and was able to walk to the bathroom by myself (and peeing a lot, which was what they wanted to see) so they let me go home after dinner. They kept monitoring the baby's heartbeat throughout the day--it was strong and steady, and he was moving a LOT--in fact, they'd get the beat, and he would literally flip head over heels and they'd have to go 4-5 inches down to find it again. :) They were loving his activeness.

When I left, they all said they would see me back when the baby was due. I was told I could deliver at Pekin if I make it to 36 1/2 weeks, which I will do as long as there are no risks. St. Francis is WONDERFUL when you have a risky situation, but Pekin is so personal and small and you get lots of individual attention there, so it would be nice--plus convenient for the family. Anyway, they were all so sweet and told me they just KNEW it was going to go full-term, and that I just needed to have faith. They are right. I had a major breakdown halfway through the afternoon . . .basically because I kinda had to poop (sorry to share, but it's true) but I was worried it was the early contractions, like I had w/Brian. I just thought I had to poop when I was having my first contractions w/him, and then he was born less than 90 minutes later. I called the nurse in and asked her if they could check with that belt that they put on, and she said at 14 weeks they couldn't pick those up. I started bawling and kept saying I didn't want it to happen again because it already happened to me once, etc. My mom and Jim were both crying too, and she reassured me that it would be fine, but I needed to be calm for the baby's sake and try to have faith. So I prayed and calmed and finally accepted that I had to give it to God. I know it won't be easy, but I know it's what needs to be done. The same nurse came by right as I left and told me to have faith, that it would be tough, but that it was in God's hands now and it would be taken care of.

ANYWAY, this is my story. Right now my back is KILLLLLLLLLLLLING me because of the spinal ordeal, and I've had a headache almost non-stop since yesterday morning, but other than that . . .what really matters is that my son (??) is ok and God protected both of us and kept us safe and sound. Now we just have to make it another . . .hmmm . . .at least 18-22 weeks would be nice! Keep praying for us!Love you all, and thank you so much for everything.

Amy

PS I (or Jim) will post sono pics tomorrow!

CONGRATULATIONS ASHLEIGH AND KEITH!

Just a quick post to wish Ashleigh and Keith Brown the utmost congratulations on the birth of their daughter Kyleigh Rose Brown at 1:15am on January 2nd, 2007. Ashleigh's water broke at about 9am on the 1st, so it was a protracted delivery to say the least. We're all very, very proud of her.

Welcome to your world, Kyleigh!

Post 100!

We went to the doctor again today. Baby is happy and healthy and alive and kicking! They couldn't get the heartbeat by doppler, which apparently is very common this early on in the pregnancy (especially given my weight), but of course, I panicked, so they did an ultrasound. The little one was right there, looking more human than ever, heart beating strong. He/she had a hand up, as if to say "Hey!" It reminded me a lot of when we had our first look at Brian. We are both getting a feeling that this may be a girl, but who knows, really. Surgery will be in 4 weeks--they are scheduling it with the hospital and will call me with the date in the next couple of days. I am freaking out a little bit, but I know it's worth it in the end.

"Strawberry Fields is anywhere you want to go."

J.L.

My hero too.

- Jim

The Day the Music Died

In Memory of the greatest musician of all time and my hero, John Lennon, who died 26 years ago today.

NEW YORK - John Lennon's widow is calling for the anniversary of his death to become a day of worldwide healing.

In a full-page advertisement appearing Sunday in The New York Times, Yoko Ono urges readers to mark the anniversary by apologizing to those who have suffered because of violence and war.

"Every year, let's make December 8th the day to ask for forgiveness from those who suffered the insufferable," writes the musician's widow, who signs the letter with the name Yoko Ono Lennon.

In the open letter, Ono urges readers to take responsibility for failing to intervene on behalf of victims around the world.

"Know that the physical and mental abuse you have endured will have a lingering effect on our society," she writes in a portion of the letter directed to victims. "Know that the burden is ours."

Ono was with the former Beatle when he was gunned down as he returned home from a recording studio on Dec. 8, 1980. The shooter, Mark David Chapman, remains in New York's Attica state prison. His fourth request for parole was denied last month.

Of her own loss, Ono says: "I don't know if I am ready yet to forgive the one who pulled the trigger. ... But healing is what is urgently needed now in the world."

"Let's wish strongly that one day we will be able to say that we healed ourselves, and by healing ourselves, we healed the world."

At about 4:20PM we went for a drive around town to take some more pictures. Here they are!

N.B.: Ignore the different date on these - I had to date them the 2nd to post them seperately from the ones taken earlier.

Tremont Under Snow

Snow!

Wow!!! Winter has most emphatically "taken a seat" here in Tremont, Illinois! Yesterday at about 8:00PM, after a day of freezing rain and temperatures between 25 and 28 degrees Fahrenheit (minus 2-4 Celsius) it began to snow, and did not stop until about 11:00AM this morning.

Amy was due at work at 7:45am today - luckily I had a day off - so we rose at about 7:25am and went out to exhume the car. As soon as I started scraping and shoveling, I became quite convinced that Tremont United Methodist Childcare Center would be Amy-less, if not entirely staff-less for the day, but from her vantage point inside the car (a crucial difference!) Amy thought we could make it out. And she was right, and so was I. What does that mean? It means we made it about eight feet out, before the car ran aground (or "asnow") and Amy's phone rang. It was 7:43, and it was Jennifer, the manager of the Childcare Center, to tell Amy that school was called off. I have never desired to actually murder anyone - something I like to mention on my resume - but at that moment my numbed, frostbitten hands could easily have scuttled down to the Methodist Church and strangled Jennifer. Had that happened, I don't think I could have been held responsible. My hands however, would have been sentenced to anything from 15-25 years, and I would have had to visit twice a month, and smuggle in little bottles of peony moisturiser inside cakes, and my hands would have a simply awful time. You know hard it is to play the harmonica without lips? Anyway, almost 12 inches of snow fell last night, and the result was pretty spectacular, and spectacular, and also pretty. You might remember THIS POST HERE from back in March when we were in Hopedale. Well, as the pictures below show, we got a little more of the frozen stuff this time.

Here are some photos for you all!

"Let it snow, let it snow, let it... stop!"




Hope you enjoyed them! We may take a few more later, and stay tuned: we have a special baby scan and Christmas tree double-posting coming very soon! Until then, hope you are all well and safe.

SNOW IS FLIPPIN' EXCITING!!!!

Sorry to get a little . . .well . . .irritable in my last post. It wasn't directed at anyone personally. I just feel angry sometimes that I have to apologize for my feelings about my son, and that isn't ya'll's fault . . .it seems a lot of the time that the people around me (IRL, or "In Real Life"hehe) have decided not only that I am not allowed to talk about it, but almost that I shouldn't be "dwelling on it" anymore. They also intentionally leave me out of things because they think I am "negative" or bring people down. So that hurts. But I am coping, and it's ok. It's just difficult, and this is, as April said (thank you for understanding, April) my "house." It's my place to think aloud and share some of what is in my heart.

Tonight we had a Thanksgiving Service at church. It is a mixed service with us (the Baptists) and the Methodists. I had never been to one of them before tonight, and I was pleasantly surprised. It was quite nice. One of the things we did was write down what we were thankful for, and then at the end of the service, the congregation was invited to share what they'd written if they felt lead to. It was quite touching, the things that people said. Jim and I did not choose to share with the congregation at large, but rather with each other. I thought that what we wrote was so nice it deserved sharing, so I am sharing it here.

AMY:

~I am thankful that the man I love made it across 6,000 miles and the wide ocean to be with me now.

~I am thankful that no matter how much I hurt, my child in Heaven never will.

~I am thankful for this new life--our 2nd child.

~I am thankful we will all be a family together one day.

JIM:

~I am thankful for New Life.

~I am thankful for the power to keep going when the needle points to "E."

~I am thankful that I can still feel love.

~I am thankful for melodies which keep me company when I am in loveless places.

Just Knowing You Were Beneath the Same Sky

Thoughts about my son . . .

I never realized how hard it would be to be pregnant again. The last thing I can remember is singing to Brian, and writing him letters, and talking to him . . .and now he is gone. I don't know how to bond with this child yet. I love him/her . . .and I'm obviously thrilled to be blessed again with this life growing inside of me. . .but I just miss my son and I want him back. I still don't quite know how to move on from that. It also feels like self-preservation not to get too attached too soon, because I don't want to hurt like this again.

It's funny too, because other people don't seem to share the joy this time either. They are afraid to "act happy" now that we are pregnant again. One woman just flat-out ignored me the other day, like . . ."don't want to jinx her!" Others act like it's not real until the baby arrives. This doesn't make it any easier.

I found a song tonight, and I want to share the lyrics. Maybe that will give you a glimpse of how I'm feeling. A while back, I got a lot of comments from people saying that my posts were "too sad," or suggesting that maybe I should get counseling or go to a support group . . .basically, talk to people who understand, not us, because we want fun stuff and happy thoughts. So I mostly try to talk about the good things in my life, because there ARE good things, and many of them. But that doesn't mean that every single day that goes by, I don't miss my firstborn child, and wish he were a part of this world. It hurts every day, and so for now, I'm not going to lie about that.

Goodbye for Now

by Kathy Trocolli

I can't believe that you're really gone now.

Seems like it's all just a dream

How can it be that the world would go on

When something has died within me

Leaves will turn, my heart will burn

With colors of you

Snow will fall, but I'll recall your warmth

Summer wind, breathing in your memory

I'll miss you

But there will be a time

When I'll see your face

And I'll hear your voice

And there we will laugh again

And there will come a day

When I'll hold you close

No More tears to cry

'Cause we'll have forever

But I'll say Goodbye for now

I can't imagine my life without you

You held a place all your own

Just knowing you were beneath the same sky

Oh what a joy I have known

On rainy days, in many ways

You'll water my heart

On starry nights I'll glmipse the light of your smile

Never far from my heart

You'll stay with me

So I'll wait...for now

Hey everyone!

Wahooo!

Just to 'formally announce', for anyone who doesn't know yet, that we found out this week that we are once again expecting! Our due date is July 23rd, 2007. That's the day after my brother Ali's birthday, the 204th day of the year, and 155 days till Christmas for all you Gregorian calendar fanatics. We are too delighted for words right now, while also a feeling a little trepidation, and hopes that the early stages go as they should. We (I say we, but Amy went through most of the uncomfortable stuff...) had our first appointment with Dr. Harrington in Pekin yesterday, and so far everything looks to be nicely in order, so thus far thus goodly.

Phew... July 23rd 2007 seems a long way away, but it's been nine months since we found out Amy was pregnant with Brian, and it certainly doesn't feel like that, unless I picture all the time I've spent working at Wal-Mart, in which case I feel like a very old man. Hehehe (cough, cough, wheeze).

Speaking of Brian, we feel that to find out now, in the week Brian was due, makes a wonderful circle to include him. The fact that our new due date is almost exactly a year after Brian was born, too, only adds to that feeling of timeliness. It was odd that when Amy and I first found out one of the things I wanted to do first was go look at our pictures of Brian and found myself mentally checking with him, in a way, to see if it was okay to feel excited. And in a very tangible sense I experienced the overwhelming feeling that he is part of this, and as excited for us as... well... us!

As I said, both of us -but Amy especially - are quite nervous at this point, so any prayers or good thoughts you send our way are welcome and very much appreciated. I'm thinking that when we lost Brian, we must have received support from every person who will be reading this blog right now, so from both of us to you, a huge thank-you. The love we felt from all of you helped bring us to where we are today, feeling so happy, and looking to the future.

And so the journey begins... :)

I hope you all voted.

Here's something to remind you why it's important:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BkNX1rPEItk

This is a link to the funniest and cutest thing I've ever seen. You have to check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Bwi9GyTxPc

Jim's Quote of the Week!
No.1 in a very occasional series.

Announcer on Sci-Fi Channel's Extreme Championship Wrestling describing how a competitor fell to the canvas:

"Oh my God, that was like the damn Lindenburg going down."

Brilliant.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

We had our class Halloween party at school yesterday. The kids were adorable. Just thought I'd share their cuteness with you.This table features Captain Jack Sparrow (David), Red Power Ranger (Bryce), construction worker (Kyle), Jessica from Lazytown (Mya), and Cinderella (Morgan).

This table features Dora the Explorer (Josie), another Red Power Ranger (Ryan), an Asian Princess (Maggie), Superman (Carson), Spiderman (Marco), and Woody from Toy Story (Zak).

And the cutest of all . . .Zakariah (from my class) and his little brother, Ezekiel (Zeke) as Buzz and Woody. Awwwwwwwww!

In the dark times
Will there be singing?
Yes, there will be singing
About the dark times.

- Bertholt Brecht