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2011-11-04T21:15:00.001-05:00

Little Birdie Baby Announcements

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2010-11-05T14:46:00.000-05:00

The Gap by Michael Crenlinsten

The gap between those who have lost children and those who have not is profoundly difficult to bridge. No one whose children are well and intact can be expected to understand what parents who have lost children have absorbed and what they bear. Our children come to us through every blade of grass, every crack in the sidewalk, every bowl of breakfast cereal. We seek contact with their atoms, their hairbrush, their toothbrush, their clothing. We reach for what was integrally woven into the fabric of our lives, now torn and shredded.

A black hole has been blown through our souls and, indeed, it often does not allow the light to escape. It is a difficult place. To enter there is to be cut deeply, and torn anew each time we go there, by the jagged edges of our loss. Yet we return, again and again, for that is where our children now reside. This will be so for years to come and it will change us profoundly. At some point in the distant future, the edges of that hole will have tempered and softened but the empty space will remain - a life sentence.

Our friends will change through this. There is no avoiding it. We grieve for our children, in part, through talking about them and our feelings in having lost them. Some go there with us, others cannot and through their denial - a further measure, however unwittingly, is added to an already heavy burden. Assuming that we may be feeling "better" in six months is simply "to not get it."

The excruciating and isolating reality that bereaved parents feel is hermetically sealed from the nature of any other human experience. Thus it is a trap - those, whose compassion and insight we need most, are those for whom we abhor the experience that would allow them that sensitivity and capacity. And yet, somehow there are those, each in their own fashion, who have found a way to reach us and stay, to our comfort. They have understood, again each in their own way, that our children remain our children through our memory of them. Their memory is sustained through speaking about them and our feelings about their death. Deny this and you deny their life. Deny their life and you no longer have a place in ours.

We recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are painful and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that accompanies us; sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it its own voice we fear we would become truly unreachable, and so we remain "strong" for a host of reasons, even as the strength saps our energy and drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings we would be impossible to be with. We resent having to act normal, yet we dare not do otherwise. People who understand this dynamic are our gold standard. Working our way through this over the years will change us as does every experience - and extreme experience changes one extremely. We know we will have recovered when, as we have read, it is no longer so painful to be normal. We do not know who we will be at that point or who will still be with us.

We have read that the gap is so difficult that, often, bereaved parents must attempt to reach out to friends and relatives or risk losing them. This is our attempt. For those untarnished by such events, who wish to know in some way what they, thankfully, do not know, read this. It may provide a window that is helpful for both sides of the gap.

2010-10-23T09:04:00.002-05:00

March of Dimes Speech #2

(delivered last night at the Signature Chef's Auction)

July 11, 2006 was a day that started like any other, but at the end of which, our world would be turned upside down. I was 22 weeks pregnant with a healthy baby. We were hoping soon to find out if we were having a boy or a girl, since at the 20 week sonogram, the doctor wasn't able to see. We would find out later that night, when our firstborn son, Brian, entered this world. He weighed only a little over one pound, and was only 11 inches long. We were told that he would not have a chance to survive, and 30 minutes after we said hello to him, we had to say goodbye.

We left the hospital carrying this bear. While the lucky parents get to leave carrying their healthy newborns, we were forced to make that long journey to the car carrying a teddy bear in place of our son. This bear wears the exact same outfit that our son Brian was buried in, and he is wearing his hospital ID bracelet. There were many nights when I sat and rocked this bear, remembering and longing for the baby who should have been resting in my arms.

I was diagnosed with Incompetent Cervix, and were advised that we could try again. Of course, this experience would be different. I would be high risk, and would see not only my regular OB, but an excellent specialist. Through it all, our love for our firstborn son encouraged and inspired us. We had so much hope that this time, things would be different.

Unfortunately, the surgery that I was given to try to keep my second child safe caused an infection and failed to protect him. Our second son, Sawyer, was born on March 31, 2007, at 22 weeks 6 days gestation . . .right on the cusp of viability. The NICU staff at St. Francis assured us that they would do everything possible to try to help our son survive the huge odds stacked against him. Those amazing nurses and doctors became our extended family. The work they do is nothing short of heroic. They are among the most incredible angels who walk this earth, and every day we are grateful to them for the love and care that they gave our son. Though he fought long and hard, Sawyer, could not win his battle for life. His little body began to shut down, unable to withstand any more. On April 11, exactly 9 months after our first son passed away, we were told that there was nothing more they could do, and we knew it was time once again to say goodbye. Needless to say, our hearts were broken and our lives were shattered.

This time we left the hospital with a memory box. It was full of Sawyer's things . . .not the things most baby memory boxes might be filled with . . .but with medical wires, sensors, tape . . .a bottle of germ-x, some aquaphor. It also contained these special items . . .Sawyer's hats and a couple of his blankets. I decided to keep them in these ziploc bags to try to preserve the way they smell . . .because they smell exactly like my baby boy. There have been many nights when I have opened them, just for a few moments, and taken out my son's hats and blankets . . .held them close to my face, and breathed his scent deeply, remembering his precious life . . .and thinking of what should have been.

Life after that was a fog for awhile. We didn't know which direction to take. We often felt like giving up, but the courage displayed by our boys as they fought to hold on to their lives was our constant inspiration. After much research and discussion, we found out about a procedure called the Transabdominal Cerclage. In October of 2008, 10 weeks into my third pregnancy, we traveled to the University of Chicago Medical Center, where our hero, Dr. Arthur Haney operated. His surgery was a success, and on April 13 of 2009, our healthy 9 lb daughter, Amelie Jane, was born at 37 weeks gestation. Finally, we left the hospital with our child in our arms. We both cried tears of gratitude as we left the parking garage, knowing that everywhere we went, Amelie would go with us. She is a true miracle, and the joy of our lives. We will never take for granted that we can go and check on her as she sleeps . . .that we can hear her breathing close by, and see how beautiful and amazing she is every single day.

This is Amelie's dog, Billie. We bought him for her from the hospital gift shop a couple of days after she was born. Billie sat and watched over Amelie while she was under the Billiruben lamps. She now plays with him often, and will someday know his story.

I brought Brian's teddy bear and Sawyer's hats and blankets to remind us all that not every parent goes home with their baby, because not every baby goes home. And every baby should. We are here tonight to do our part to try to help that happen. With research, education, and perseverance., more and more is being accomplished every day. I brought Billie to remind us all that miracles really do happen. Because of the dedication of the March of Dimes, both parents and babies who 20 years ago would not have had a chance are now getting to make that trip home . . .but their work is not done. They need our help to keep on supporting them and fighting with them. Thank you all so very much for coming tonight, and for helping to give every baby a fighting chance.

2010-10-15T12:04:00.002-05:00

In Memory Of . . .

There are so many babies I am remembering today . . .so many moms . . .so many dads . . .so many grandmas, grandpas, aunts, uncles, cousins, brothers, sisters . . .I couldn't possibly name them all. I would probably end up forgetting someone, completely accidentally, and feel terrible. I also know that since you can only tag 30 people, I can't possibly tag you all in this note. So please know, this is for all of you.

When a child dies, a family is broken. That circle can never be repaired. No matter how much time goes by, no matter how many more children are born into the family, no matter how much joy our lives bring, the sorrow will always be there, in that empty space . . .the part of our circle where those babies belong.

I wish I could tell you that it made sense to me today, but it doesn't. I wish I could tell you it gets easier with time, but it doesn't.

The only encouragement I can offer is this: You will always feel sorrow. You will always feel grief. You will always feel "different." You can never, ever "go back" to the way you used to be. I know maybe this doesn't sound encouraging, but it is.

All of your grief and sorrow, all of the tears you have cried, all of the lonely nights you have sat awake, wishing your child was safe and sound, sleeping in their bed, right where they belong . . .all of it is love. And love is the only thing that matters. I am grateful for those tears, for those aching arms, for those lonely nights, because they remind me of how much I love my boys. I am thankful for every reminder I can get, because they mean that my boys were PRESENT in this world and they MATTER. They will always matter.

So the encouragement is that your children will always live in you. You learn to carry the grief and sorrow along with you. You learn to bear it within your heart, and to share every moment of sorrow with the moments of joy that will arise. For you WILL have joy again. You will live, and you will love. Your children will be a part of every moment of it.

I love and share that love because of my boys. I try to do good in the world so their love can touch the lives of others. I try to remind myself of this and redidicate myself to this mission.

I wish love to each of you today as you remember the babies who should be here with us. I wish you peaceful hearts amidst the grief. I wish you joy, even in the moments of sorrow.

Brian and Sawyer, we love you and we miss you every day. We always will. We are so proud that you are ours, and our lives are better because we knew you. We have been forever changed because each of you were unique, perfect, beautiful miracles . . .and we were blessed to hold you in our arms.

"They say that time in heaven is compared to 'the blink of an eye' for us on this earth. Sometimes it helps me to think of my child running ahead of me through a beautiful field of wildflowers and butterflies; so happy and completely caught up in what he is doing that when he looks behind him, I'll already be there." ~ author unknown

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." ~W. Irving

2010-10-06T12:35:00.001-05:00

All You Need is Love

Jim and I have talked about Amelie's future. I hope and pray that not only will she not get bullied, but that she will NEVER bully. I pray that she will grow to be a kind, loving person who embraces others, no matter what their differences might be. I pray that she can show others the way through her example of love. I pray that if someone IS mean or cruel to her, she will know that it is a weakness in their life, not her own failure, and she will reach out to them. I hope that she will have the self-confidence I did not . . .that she won't rely on other people for her sense of purpose. I pray that she will walk away and know that she is loved so deeply that it doesn't matter what someone mean might do or say to her. I hope beyond all measure that if it's happening to her, she will tell us . . .and that if it's happening to someone else, she will tell us too.

I know it's a lot to expect, but if we all expected that of ourselves and each other, maybe we really could end the problem of "bullying" once and for all. I, for one, am never going to give up trying. It's easy to say "There will always be bullies," but I refuse to accept that. There doesn't have to be. Children emulate what they see. We must do our part and not be bullies ourselves. Our children are listening when we talk about others. They see how we treat each other. I'm not perfect, so I keep trying. Will you?

And I also want to reiterate what Single Dad Laughing says . . .if anyone out there is feeling like there is no one to turn to . . .please, turn to me. I will be there for you. I will talk to you, I will listen, and I will accept you and love you just as you are. Email me anytime. Don't give up. I promise you that what they're saying is true: IT DOES GET BETTER. It gets so much better. ♥♥♥

2010-08-28T10:03:00.000-05:00

"There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love." ~Washington Irving

Thanks for all the support and love. ♥

2010-08-23T14:15:00.002-05:00

I've been trying to find a way to say this all morning, and I really can't think of how . . .so I'll just say that we lost the baby. As my OB said, this has nothing to do with my previous problems, it is simply one of those "unfortunate things" that can happen to any couple. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers as we try to find a way forward from here. ♥

2010-08-18T12:24:00.000-05:00

I know that everyone worries during pregnancy. I know that I tend to worry more in general, because I'm a worrier. But I think those of us who have lost children worry even more. The worry I feel is so great that sometimes it gets on top of me and I feel like I can't even breathe. The funny thing is . . .I'm not even worried about IC this time. I have confidence that the TAC works and I will carry this baby to term. I am worried about the hundreds of other things that can go wrong. I know too many people who have been through too many kinds of loss to be able to say that everything will be okay.

I could go into a lot of details here, but I won't. I just don't have the energy right now.

The real reason I wanted to write this is that recently, every single morning when I wake up, without fail, a specific song is "playing" in my head. Every morning the same song, and I know instinctively I've been dreaming it. It plays throughout the night, somewhere inside of me, and I can't explain why. All I know is that it is there, constantly, and maybe it's a messge . . .

3 Little Birds by Bob Marley

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', "This is my message to you."

Singin': "Don't worry 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."
Singin': "Don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right."

I hope this is trying to tell me something, I really, really do. Because I really want every little thing to be all right this time.

2010-08-04T19:12:00.000-05:00

On July 26, in beautiful Jacksonville, Florida, we found out that we are about to become parents to our fourth child. Rennie Baby #4 is due on April 7, 2011 (our wedding anniversary). Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

2010-07-11T01:04:00.003-05:00

Dear Brian,

Four years ago today was the day my entire world came crashing down around me. It started like any other day, and it ended with us having to let you go.

The thing is, I didn't know then what I know now. I wish I'd held you for longer. I wish I'd kissed you more. I wish I had dressed you and given you a bath. There are so many things I would do differently if I had them to do all over again. I didn't know how to let you go . . .I am so sorry, and I hope you know that I have dreamed so many times of being able to do those things for you that it almost seems like I have. Someday I will again . . .

Did I ever tell you how much I LOVED being pregnant with you? Carrying you was the single most important and special thing I had ever, ever done. Every day I woke up and felt my belly . . .felt you there, and smiled. I will never forget how special those days were with you. You were and always will be my dancer, waving and kicking away inside my belly.

We still miss you so much. I still miss you, every single day. I think about you and your brother all the time, about how our family of 3 is really a family of 5, and about how many people don't understand that. I've come to accept that most people never will, and that's okay with me. Part of me doesn't want them to . . .because it they did, they would know how broken we were and still are, and I can't wish that upon anyone. I also know that you are ours, and always will be, and nothing that anyone else does or doesn't "get" can change that.

All of the sadness we feel because you are not with us does not mean that we don't have joy in our lives. Your baby sister brings us more joy than we ever thought we could have. We love her immensely. We love her because she is Amelie . . .just like we love you because you are Brian and we love Sawyer because he is Sawyer. We love each of you, both separately and together, and we will love you all forever. In every moment of joy, there is sorrow, and in every moment of sorrow, there is joy. As I sit and cry for you, missing you with all my heart, I also miss Sawyer . . .and at the same time, I hear Amelie breathing through her monitor, and my heart flutters with the joy of knowing my baby girl.

I also have joy in the memories, however few, that I have of you and our time together here on earth. I am so proud of you. You were a beautiful, sweet baby.

You taught me so much about life . . .how short it is, and how precious. You made me a better person. You are still making me a better person. I struggle sometimes, but I want to be better for you and Sawyer. I want to be kind to people, and to do good. If I can make the world even a tiny bit better, your spirit lives on, because you are love.

I still wish I could go back and make things end differently for us. I feel old now. I am still sad. I miss you. Badly. My life has never been the same since the day you were born and left us. What should have been a happy day is now a day of remembrance and tears.

At the same time, I am a better mother for all that you have taught me. You are a part of every moment. You are my heart. You are my soul. You will never be apart from me, not really, not ever.

Remember we love you. I am sorry my body failed you. I am sorry for all the walks we cannot take together, for all the games we cannot play, for all the hugs and kisses I cannot give you. But know that every time we share those moments with Amelie, you and Sawyer are a part of them. How could you not be? You are our guiding stars.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Prince. I love you.

Until we meet again . . .

Mama

2010-04-25T22:07:00.003-05:00

March of Dimes 2010

(This is the speech Jim and I wrote and I delivered today for the March for Babies)

We are good at finding answers. Which is a fortunate thing, because, as adults, we ask for a lot. We ask that diseases be cured, that lives be saved, that answers to very complicated questions be found. And we keep asking those questions - questions that science calls research, the results of which aid babies in need of our help around the world. We are very proud to have been selected as an Ambassador family for an organization that so tirelessly asks questions, and finds answers to so many of them.

Babies do not ask for much, but they too ask a lot of questions. Even before they develop speech and begin to ask that favorite of all childhood questions: why? they ask of us nonetheless, with their eyes and their cries.

Babies do not understand fatigue. As anyone who has ever tried to put an infant down at the end of a long day will testify, they are so hungry for life they will sometimes fight rest itself. While a parent asks: "Will I ever get a good night's sleep again?" babies ask of us: "If I sleep, what will I miss?"

Babies do not understand billing departments, deductibles, or prescription costs. They only know helping hands, and loving arms. While a parent asks: "Can I afford to help my child?" babies ask of us: "Will you help me?"

Babies do not understand courage. Their foes are many times bigger than they are, yet they are naturally, and limitlessly courageous, amazing us. While a parent asks: "How can I cope?" babies ask of us: "Will you give me a chance?"

That is why we sing our babies to sleep, feed them well to keep them living and growing, and hold them safely. And that is why we raise money for, and give generously to, organizations like the March of Dimes. We would like to thank personally our team, and everyone that is part of today's walk, whether by participation or donation.

Not every child will live, and some will live short lives.

Our first son, Brian William Rennie, was born at 22 weeks gestation on July 11, 2006 due to incompetent cervix. He lived for just 30 minutes. In those 30 minutes, we lived what felt like a lifetime. We wanted to breathe in every part of him. We held him close, watched him try to move, and kissed him as the life slowly slipped from his tiny body. The sorrow was unimaginable, but in some ways, so was our pride and joy. We had the opportunity to witness a miracle for the first time. Our son was perfect and beautiful. While our time with him was far too short, we will never forget him.

Our second son, Sawyer James Rennie, was given the chance that his brother was not. Born on March 31, 2007 at 23 weeks, 6 days gestation, just one day shy of viability, the doctors told us they would try to save our child. We were warned that the odds were against him; he was still very, very tiny and his lungs very immature. However, we felt so full of hope that he would beat those odds. During the 11 days that Sawyer lived, he faced medical obstacles of many kinds. Each day, we prayed that God would give Sawyer his obstacles one at a time. We knew it was never going to be easy, but we wanted him to be able to handle whatever came his way. We also prayed that if the time came when Sawyer’s obstacles became too great for him to fight, that he would be granted peace. That day came, once again, all too soon. On April 11, exactly 9 months to the day after his older brother, our second son lost his battle. He fought valiantly and surprised the strongest skeptics, but in the end, the struggle became too great. We held him, we played him music, we sang to him. We told him it was okay to let go, that we understood, and that we were proud of him. We will never forget the moment he opened his eyes one last time and looked at us, as if to memorize our faces for his journey.

We miss terribly the babies they were, and the people they would have become. Still, we are so proud of them, and grateful for them, and for the part the March of Dimes played in giving our boys the chance to live lives in which they knew only love.

The loss of a child at any stage, or age is, for parents, a loss of direction. We lose, and so become lost. And twice in under a year we found ourselves in that strange place and time where the path ahead, life together as a family, had disappeared before us. Many people remarked to us after our loss that they could not understand how we kept going, and it was a very difficult time. We asked endless questions: of ourselves, of God and, loudest of all, "Why?" But under the shadow of these questions, we somehow kept going forward, while wondering, would we ever be parents to a healthy child? After much research, we found out about a procedure called the Transabdominal Cerclage. This surgery had given women who lost babies due to incompetent cervix not only a chance, but an extremely high success rate of having a full term, healthy baby. As Mary Anne Radmacher so aptly states, “Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.” And so we decided to try again.

Now, thanks to the ingenuity and tenacity of Dr. Arthur Haney at the University Of Chicago and the Transabdominal Cerclage, we are now parents to Amelie Jane, the beautiful, healthy one-year-old girl walking - or rolling - with us today. She is truly the light of our lives, and we cannot imagine life without her. We know that she has two very special angels watching over her from heaven—her big brothers, Brian and Sawyer. We see both of them in her, and we know how proud they must be to see the smile on Amelie’s face as she explores this world.

Many of you have lost children, and many of you are here with your miracles, who have, against all odds, not only survived, but thrived.

Perhaps, when we are so lost and find ourselves, like children, asking "Why?” it is our children, in the end that might inspire us - to eat, sleep, love, move forward - with the faith, courage, and hope of a child. And, perhaps, somewhere on the path, we might find our answer.

Until then, the March of Dimes and its supporters will continue to give babies, and parents a chance.

As individuals, we have many questions, but when we walk together, moving forward, we are good at finding answers.

2010-04-15T19:13:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to our Sweet Miracle Girl

Amelie Jane
April 13, 2009

Our baby is one!!!

2010-04-11T10:22:00.003-05:00

Rest in Peace, sweet Sawyer James. We love you and miss you every day.

03-31-2007 ~ 04-11-2007

2010-03-31T11:33:00.004-05:00

Dearest Sawyer . . .Happy Birthday from all of us here on Earth. We miss you every day, we love you every day, we are proud of you every day. I remember the first moment I saw your sweet, beautiful face . . .and I remember holding you as you slipped these earthly bonds . . .I will always remember the way you looked at Daddy and me as we said our goodbyes. We'll see you again, and until then, be happy as we know you are. Watch over Brian up there, and the two of you, watch over Amelie. We love you very much.

High Flight

by John Gillespie Magee, Jr.

Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth,

And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;

Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth

Of sun-split clouds . . .and done a hundred things

You have not dreamed of . . .wheeled and soared and swung

High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,

I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung

My eager craft through footless halls of air.

Up, up, the long, delirious burning blue

I've topped the windswept heights with easy grace

Where never lark, nor even eagle flew.

And while with silent, lifting mind I've trod

The high, untresspassed sanctity of space . . .

. . .put out my hand, and touched the face of God.

2010-02-03T12:22:00.002-06:00

I have decided to form a team to walk in memory of Brian and Sawyer in the March of Dimes March for Babies. The event will be held in Peoria on April 25, 2010. I would love to get as many people as possible to join us. The March of Dimes is so very important as they try to help babies all over the world. The goal is that one day every baby will be born healthy. Please consider either sponsoring our team, or joining us on the walk. I'd love to see a large group walking not only to honor our boys' memory, but also to try to prevent premature birth and help those babies who are born too soon. Thank you so much!

2009-12-25T11:46:00.000-06:00

2009-10-24T11:32:00.000-05:00

2009-10-15T19:33:00.000-05:00

Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness day . . .the WAVE OF LIGHT is at 7:00 pm, October 15, in every time zone all over the world, so that a continuous wave will go all around the world.

Tonight we lit 3 candles . . .one for Brian, one for Sawyer, and one for all their angel friends. All loved, all missed so much.

2009-09-27T21:08:00.004-05:00

I have decided to start writing more again . . .don't know if anyone actually is following anymore, but the blog started as a way to keep Jim's family involved and updated with our lives, so I'd like to at least write for their benefit.

I also would love to print out every blog I've written and write my novel someday soon. I think it would be therapeutic to me, and hopefully helpful to others who have been through something similar. It might even help people who are insensitive or don't understand the fact that this is a LIFELONG process to somehow open their eyes . . .or maybe at least soften their hearts a little.

I have felt recently some annoyance at times from people who seem to think that since Amelie is here and healthy, we aren't supposed to miss/think about/love the boys. We are SO blessed with Amelie. She is our first daughter, and our love for her is pure and unique TO her. Missing the boys doesn't lessen our love for her. Loving her doesn't lessen our love for the boys. I even miss and love Brian and Sawyer in different ways. Each of our children is special and important to us, and we will always love them.

Amelie is really changing so much every day now . . .it is just amazing to watch her learn and grow. She is babbling all the time, laughing at silly things, and really starting to relate to the world around her. It's hard to remember life without her, and I just pray every day that we are able to spend many years here on earth together.

2009-07-20T20:05:00.003-05:00

Brian's Birthday Balloons

We got a letter in the mail today. Brian's story continues to touch people's lives, 3 years after his death, and 500 miles away. Here is the letter we received:

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Dear Rennies,

Your memory balloons were found at Indian Mountain State Park in Jellico, Tennessee on Sunday, July 12, 2009. They were found near a playground there in the park.

We were in Jellico attending a family and community reunion.

Our first granddaughter was born on July 11, 1977. We thought this was a strange coincidence.

Our granddaughter was a preemie weighing 2 pounds. She is now 32 years old, in the Air Force, stationed just a few miles from where we live. Also, she has two children of her own.

My husband actually saw the balloons and went to investigate when we found notes on each balloon and the enclosed message.

We wish God's blessings on all of you and know that little Brian William is safe in God's hands.

Sincerely,

Wayne and Georgia Todd
Bukburnett, Texas

We were so moved by the story of their own granddaughter, and the fact that they took the time to discover the balloons and send this letter back to us. Happy Birthday, Brian!

2009-07-11T00:38:00.008-05:00

For Brian

On your third birthday, we want you to know how much we miss you . . .how deep our love is for you . . .and how proud we are that you are our firstborn.

from First Lesson by Philip Booth

As you float now, where I held you and let go,

remember when fear cramps your heart what I told you:

lie gently and wide to the light-year stars,

lie back, and the sea will hold you.

You are forever ours. Happy Birthday, sweet prince.

Brian's Memorial Website

Light a Candle for Brian

2009-06-14T20:24:00.002-05:00

One of my facebook friends wrote this on their page, and I decided to post it here, because I really, REALLY like what he had to say!

"It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness." The next time you find yourself wanting to complain or blame, bless instead. Find a way to bless the situation. The light that you share will change that situation into something completely different. You will have lit a candle instead of cursing the dark you perceived. You are the light!

2009-05-25T00:49:00.002-05:00

This is for Jim. With all the hurts inflicted by people in the world, you are the one person . . .well, it is just fitting. Perfect.

2009-05-21T11:04:00.003-05:00

Long-Felt Desires

by Louise Labé

Long-felt desires, hopes as long as vain—

sad sighs—slow tears accustomed to run sad

into as many rivers as two eyes can add,

pouring like fountains, endless as the rain—

cruelty beyond humanity, a pain

so hard it makes compassionate stars go mad

with pity: these are the first passions I’ve had.

Do you think love could root in my soul again?

If it arched the great bow back again at me,

licked me again with fire, and stabbed me deep

with the violent worst, as awful as before,

the wounds that cut me everywhere would keep

me shielded, so there would be no place free

for love. It covers me. It will pierce no more.

2009-05-15T21:49:00.001-05:00

To Jim and Amelie

I love you both . . .

New Morning

By Bob Dylan

Can't you hear that rooster crowing ?

Rabbit running down across the road

Underneath the bridge where the water flows through

So happy just to see you smile

Underneath the sky of blue

On this new morning, new morning

On this new morning with you.

Can't you hear that motor turning

Automobile coming into style

Coming down the road for a country mile or two ?

So happy just to see you smile

Underneath the sky of blue

On this new morning, new morning

On this new morning with you.

The night passed away so quickly

It always does when you're with me.

Can't you feel that sun a-shinning ?

Ground hog running by the country stream

This must be the day when all of my dreams come true

So happy just to be alive

Underneath the sky of blue

On this new morning, new morning

On this new morning with you.

So happy just to be alive

Underneath the sky of blue

On this new morning, new morning

On this new morning with you

New morning ...

2009-05-11T21:49:00.000-05:00

Happy Mother's Day!

Jim and I with Amelie and our nieces, Kyleigh and Ella.

2009-04-18T03:41:00.005-05:00

The Birth of Amelie Jane Rennie

Our daughter was born Monday, April 13, at 6:55 AM. Despite being 3 weeks early, she was 9 lbs 1 oz and 20 inches long. We were so amazed at her beauty from the moment we first saw her, and remain so now.

Her first 24 hours were a little scary, especially for former NICU parents. She went to the nursery, as all newborns do, but while she was being assessed, they realized her oxygen saturation was quite low, and she was breathing about twice as fast as she should have been. This was because she was born with fluid in her lungs, a fairly common result of C-section births. Because c-section babies don't go through the labor and delivery process, a lot of fluid doesn't get "squeezed out." She also had low blood sugar when she was born, so they started an IV. They tested for infection, but had to wait 48 hours on cultures to be sure, so they also gave her antibiotics. Since I was recovering from surgery, of course I couldn't see her or know what was going on. It was very frightening and frustrating, to say the least. For the first day, I was miserable, because my pain was fine, yet they wouldn't let me out of bed to go to her. I never got to hold her until the next morning at about 4 AM.

When they took me down, they were frustrated because she was on oxygen through the air around her (she was in an isolette with a hood), but as soon as they would turn it down, she'd desat. They let me hold her (JUST while they changed her bedding, mind you). It was supposed to be a "quick switch" kind of thing. But . . .it was a miracle. When I held her against my skin and started talking to her, she immediately woke up. She looked at me with the most incredible look in her eyes--like, "I KNOW YOU!" She looked incredibly happy and suddenly interested in the world around her. From that moment on, her sats were great. She was off oxygen within a couple of hours, which was purely protocol for her protection. She never really needed it again. By later that day, they started turning down the bed temp to wean her off of it, and by the next morning she was in a regular bed. They continued to keep her on monitors and watch her for the next 24 hours. During that time, Daddy got to give her her first bath! We taped the whole thing--it was really fun. We also found out she didn't have an infection, and her blood sugars had been good, so they removed the IV.

However, by the time she was ready to come to our room, she was quite jaundiced. So we were told we could either go home later that night (Thursday) or early Friday morning, depending on her blood draws to do Bilirubin counts. She got to come to our room, but we had to leave her under the Bili lights. Sawyer's NICU nurse, Emma, came to visit. It was a nice surprise to see her, and she said they'd posted Amelie's pictures at the St. Francis NICU break room. We were so moved that they still remembered us and were so happy for us.

Thursday night her jaundice levels peaked, and she was allowed out from under the lights, but we had to wait until the next morning to have her final blood drawn. We were told we could leave after her 6:30 draw (about an hour later). My doctor discharged me at 3 am, so we were just waiting on her. We waited. And waited. And waited. In the end, we managed to get home around 2:00. Everyone in town knew, as my parents had posted an announcement at the bank. It was really cool to see "Welcome Home Amelie Jane!" as we came into town.

Apart from these minor blips along the road to home, it was quite a nice hospital stay . . .if you HAVE to stay somewhere, you might as well try and enjoy it, right? The staff was great, and we were especially fond of the nursery nurses Stacey and Tricia. Tricia is actually the wife of one of my old college friends, Josh! It was so cool that she was working there!

I am holding her in my arms as I type this, and part of me still just can't believe she's really here, and she's really ours. Jim and I both cried as we came home from the hospital yesterday afternoon. It was an amazing feeling for us, being able to walk out the hospital doors with our baby. I realized how happy I am knowing that from now on, wherever we go, she goes with us. We often sing to soothe her, and her theme song has become "You Are My Sunshine." And she really, really is.

2009-04-11T11:46:00.000-05:00

2009-03-31T14:58:00.000-05:00

2009-03-30T21:16:00.000-05:00

2009-03-28T11:53:00.003-05:00

Well . . .here we go! I have mild toxemia. Possibly. I had been noticing some serious swelling in my feet, but chalked it up to normal pregnancy issues. Then yesterday, my feet and ankles got HUGE, and I mean huge. My hands and fingers started to swell, as well as my face. I had some pain on my right side under the ribs. I looked this up online and saw that it could be toxemia (also known as preeclampsia). So I had Jim take my blood pressure, and it was pretty high for me--the top number was like 144. I called Dr. H and he told me to go to Methodist, where I will be delivering, and have them check everything out. They took several blood pressures, which were all high. However, my labs were normal and my urine was normal. The doctor said it was a "matter of time" before the labs and urine would start to be affected. They spoke to Dr. H again and he said I could go home. The doctor at Methodist told me to come back in the morning at 10:00 to see Dr. H, who would be the doctor on duty.

Last night, Jim took my blood pressure a couple more times after I'd rested, and it was picture perfect. So we started wondering if I really was toxemic or not. This morning, he took it again before I got up, and it was perfect. When we got to the hopsital, they took several readings over the course of an hour, and all were perfect. The baby was healthy on the NST, so they sent me home. I need to go back to see Dr. H on Monday.

I have a feeling that, if anything, this is a mild case. The doctor last night painted a very grave picture about how quickly it could get "bad." However, I read online that mild toxemia can be controlled with rest, and seeing as how after rest my bp readings were great . . .well, I'm not a doctor, but I did speak to several of the nurses at Methodist today about it, and they thought I could still make it to the C-section date of 38 weeks if I take it easy between now and then. They said the doctor who happened to be there last night was a very serious doctor who took everything to its most extreme. Which is FINE with me. I'd rather that than they miss something or send me home and something goes wrong.

So now I am not supposed to work, and I'm supposed to be resting 16 of every 24 hours. If I am up, I should still be sitting down. If I do go somewhere, like say out to dinner or to WalMart, it should be for a short period, and then I need to lay down when I get home. The only place I really plan to go is to the doctor and to my baby shower, and even then, I plan to sit with my feet up the whole time! I want to make sure we get Amelie as far as we can before her arrival--but I am actually feeling pretty positive because at this point, she will be okay even if she is born tomorrow. She may have a few minor issues, but they can be dealt with and she will make it. Either way, sometime within the next 3 weeks, we will get to meet our baby girl! We would appreciate your prayers, just to be sure that this toxemia thing doesn't turn into something more serious and my blood pressure stays under control.

2009-03-17T12:10:00.005-05:00

Mother Teresa's Final Analysis

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered; forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.

If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you; be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others may destroy overnight; create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous; be happy anyway.

The good you do today will often be forgotten; do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it may never be enough; give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway.

2009-03-16T13:54:00.003-05:00

Well, baby girl is kicking like the next karate kid lately. I love it! It's so much fun now . . .you can actually see my entire belly move when she does! She is so big . . she measures about 3-4 weeks ahead on sonograms, and about 6 weeks ahead with the uterus measurements. I just hope she fits into all the newborn clothes I bought for her! But I am glad she is big and growing well. The next few weeks are going to go sloooow! I am loving the weather, though. That will make the wait a little bit easier. We are happy to wait--obviously we want her to go full term--but we also are very excited to meet her, so we want the remaining time to move by quickly (as if)!

Please keep my friend April and her baby Emmeliese in your prayers. Emmeliese was born last Tuesday (the 10th). She was born full term, but had some problems with oxygen saturation and a rapid heartbeat. She also was born with an infection. She is currently in the level 2 NICU nursery with a PICC line for antibiotic treatment. She was jaundiced, but recently came off the bili lights. Overall she is doing really well. She is having some trouble with nursing, but other than that, seems to be progressing quite nicely towards coming home soon! Just keep them in your prayers. It is hard for any parent to have to leave their child in the hospital. We are just rejoicing that it won't be long before little Emmeliese will be able to join her family at home.

2009-03-15T10:58:00.002-05:00

Clairsentient

Feeling is your sixth sense. Called clairsentient (clear feeling), your inner voice is one that touches on your empathetic nature. What does this mean? Well, you're probably the most emotional of your friends and you are very in touch with the feelings of others. As a clairsentient, you often know something is wrong because you experience an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach (or the opposite for good things). It might be that your friend has had a bad day--but hasn't told anyone--and somehow you just know what's going on. Often this type of intuitive knowledge cannot be explained. We bet you've got a bunch of friends, and who wouldn't want a friend that just knows without being told...especially on those bad days.

2009-03-13T21:56:00.001-05:00

2009-03-12T21:45:00.001-05:00

2009-03-08T15:51:00.002-05:00

Holding Space for Others: Being A Container

We have all been called upon at one time or another to help a loved one through a difficult time. When the help required consists of concrete actions, such as running errands or making phone calls, we know what to do. But sometimes we are called simply to hold space for the person as they go through whatever they need to go through. They may need to express anger or grief; they may need to talk or be silent. They may need us to hold their hand; they may need us to give them time alone. Whatever the case, when we hold space for someone, we offer ourselves up as a container for the overwhelming feelings they may be encountering due to their circumstances.

When we offer ourselves in this way, the more centered and grounded we are, the better. Our steadiness allows our companion to lean into us for support, as our presence provides an environment in which they can be free to move. We can also help by being responsive, allowing them to dictate the flow of action from talking to not talking, from anger to grief, and back again. By being aware and open, we can help them confront their feelings when that feels right, and back off from them when they need a break. Holding space requires humility, conscientiousness, and the ability to step out of the way, to honestly understand that this is not about us.

When we love someone in this way, we provide a space in which they can simply be. Able to feel what they need to feel without worrying about how they are being perceived. We can provide this offering in person, over the phone, or even from a distance, through meditation. However we do it, when we hold space for someone in need, we are offering a gift of the highest nature.

2009-03-04T22:43:00.003-06:00

C-Section is Scheduled!!!

April 21 at 7:30 in the morning at Methodist Medical Center. Hooray!!!

And, as a friend reminded me today . . .

2009-02-22T22:17:00.003-06:00

I Choose Love

Tonight while we were watching the Academy Awards, something was said that struck both Jim and I . . .and I just wanted to post it, for others to see, yes, but also for me to remember. The man who won an award for best original song (from Slumdog Millionaire) said:

"I had a choice between hate and love. I chose love. And I am here."

2009-02-21T14:30:00.004-06:00

I Choose Happiness

Today I am 30 weeks pregnant. The "most pregnant" I made it to before today was 23 weeks 6 days with Sawyer. He was not quite "viable" (24 weeks) . . .and now, my daughter is over 3 lbs. and can breathe air, and . . .is a miracle. Truly a miracle. I'm still doing really well. Physically, my cervix is nearly 5 cm long and Amelie is measuring several weeks larger than the "norm." I couldn't be more excited to meet her, which is making these last few weeks go reaaaaaallllyyyy slowly. But it's worth it. I would do another 30 weeks if I had to, just to make sure she arrived safely. (Don't get me wrong, though--I am SUPER excited that it's only 8 more!)

Also, today I got a message from a really good friend of mine from college. She has cancer. She had a complete hysterectomy and has been going through chemo and radiation. She is a really spirited, positive person who has always made me feel good about myself. She lifts me up, she brings joy into my life, and she has always appreciated me for who I am (and vice versa). It really scared me and broke my heart for her when I found out she was "sick," but I KNEW she would beat it. If anyone in the world could beat cancer, it's her. She is such a strong person, and I admire her so much. Right now, she has gotten PET scan results that the cancer is gone. I continue to pray for her every day and am just waiting, as I told her today, until all of this is just a distant memory.

After all she's been through, this friend had written to tell me she would be honored to throw a shower for me and Amelie. I can't tell you what it meant to have her make this offer. She said it would be a lot of fun and can't wait to do it.

I'm so glad she reminded me of the good in my life. I have friends who love me, who bring light and joy into my life, and who are always there for me. I am lucky. Not everyone has the kind of friends I have, and I need to appreciate them and enjoy the time I have with them. Life is short, and I thank God for bringing such wonderful people into my life.

I have a family who is supportive, always there for me, and has loved my children and husband uncoditionally. They mean the world to me.

I am also blessed with the best husband in the world. He loves me unconditionally, is always there for me, and is truly the best person I have ever met in my life. He is an amazing person. He spends his days taking care of people who are on their way out of this world, and he does it with grace and compassion, giving them dignity in the most difficult time of their (and their family's) lives. I could not be more proud that he is not only my partner, but the father of my children.

And Amelie. What could be more important? I have a beautiful little girl on the way, who I love with all my heart, and who SO MANY people have prayed for, wished for, hoped for . . .and are ready with open arms to welcome into the world. Nothing is better than that.

2009-02-08T13:28:00.006-06:00

For those without Facebook or MySpace, here are some pictures of Amelie's nursery!

2009-01-16T12:50:00.000-06:00

Wow--it's been awhile since I blogged. Can I say, without it seeming totally insane, that it's because everything is . . .well . . .normal?

It is.

So far, my cervix has held "tight as a drum" (Dr. H's words last week) and has never been measured below 3.5. Sometimes it's almost 5. There has not been the slightest hint of a contraction. Nothing abnormal.

I am pretty much set on making it to the scheduled C-section without a hitch. Of course, I'm certainly not naive. I know what it's like to have lost my first two children. But this time, it's just different. Each week during my pregnancy with Sawyer, it seems like there was just more and more bad news, fear, and anxiety. This time, each week brings reassurance and joy.

But I must be honest here and I do want to talk about one thing. Mostly because I think other mothers who have lost a child will be able to benefit from hearing that it's OKAY to still mourn the loss of your other child(ren) when you are having another. I love Amelie with all my heart and soul. That will never change. I also loved Brian and Sawyer with all my heart and soul, and THAT will never change. She will be loved equally as much as her brothers, but she won't replace them. They will always be missed.

Which leads me to my point: every bit of happiness with this pregnancy is tinged with a bit of sorrow. Every time I get good news about how well things are going, I feel overjoyed . . .yet sometimes I go home and cry, because I wish with ALL MY HEART things could have been the same for our boys. Amelie deserves to have her brothers here as much as we deserve to have our sons with us. I miss them so much.

For awhile, I felt guilty about these feelings, but then I realized that it has nothing to do with Amelie. My feelings about her and her health and happiness are always there. Yet at the same time, so is my sorrow that my boys couldn't have that same health and happiness.

When I found out she was a girl, at first it shook me up! I had no preference (I never have cared either way) . . .but I had been in "boy mode" for years! I had boxes and closets full of boy clothes, toys, blankets, and boy stuff in general. All of a sudden, my whole world was turned upside down at the thought of having a girl. I felt guilt over this too, until I realized that, again, it had nothing to do with my love for Amelie, or my desire to meet and love and raise our little girl. It just meant that for a long, long time, my heart had been geared towards having a son. It was a refocusing for me. It also meant the realization that Brian and Sawyer were really . . .well, gone. I had to let go a little bit more, all over again. While I knew that no one would ever replace them, watching a little boy grow up was what I had dreamed of for them, so I guess part of me felt that it would be like seeing them "live on" through their brother. Now I feel like Amelie will have two of the bravest, strongest, sweetest big brothers watching over her from Heaven, and nothing could bring me more comfort than that. She will know how her brothers paved the way for her safe birth into this world . . .and she will always know THEIR love as well as ours.

I just want to reassure those other moms who will have their dream come true one day too . . .it is OKAY to go through any emotion you need to regarding your children who passed away. It doesn't mean you aren't happy for the birth of your next child, and it doesn't take anything away from the love you have for them. It is a strange and difficult thing to describe, especially to people who might not understand, but that's okay. I understand, and if you need to talk, you know where to find me.

And now, through it all, I am overwhelmed with love for this special, sweet baby girl. I cry when I imagine her birth . . .can't imagine what I'll actually be like on the day! I have longed for a child to fill these arms for so long, and she is our miracle. I thank God for her every single day, and for all He has done to bring her to us safely.

"For this child I have prayed."
~First Samuel, 1:27

2008-12-17T17:44:00.002-06:00

Quick Update--I had an appointment today to check my cervix, and everything looks great!

2008-12-17T12:25:00.001-06:00

THANK YOU! (and clarification)

Hey--just wanted to thank everybody for their support and all the sweet comments. :) It means a lot to both of us!

I also wanted to clarify something about her name very quickly. I have had a lot of notes from people who say, "I love the name Amelia." I just wanted to point out that I didn't misspell--it is actually AmeliE (e on the end, not a). It is similar to Amelia . . .Amelia being the German, and Amelie the French.

Many people have also asked me how we will pronounce it. It is ah-muh-lee.

Just wanted to make sure I clarified so everyone would know what her name actually is and how to pronounce it. Thanks, everybody! We are so lucky to have such great, supportive friends in our lives. Now, if I can just make it through the next THREE WEEKS without anything happening to my cervix, I think it should be smooth sailing from then on.

2008-12-16T17:38:00.012-06:00

Introducing . . .

Amelie Jane Rennie

Our third child

Our first daughter

Waving Hello!

We found out today that we are, as previously suspected, having a girl. We are obviously overjoyed. We didn't mind what gender she was--but we did want to know! We are so lucky to be able to bond with her in this way . . .and we loved that we were able to do the same with our boys before they were ever born. As the ultrasound tech moved the transducer over my belly, I just sobbed . . .even before they told me the gender . . .because I could see her moving all around, looking so beautiful, and it just gets my heart! I could watch her all day! She was so funny--she spent much of the session doing "gymnastics" (the tech said we should sign her up right away for lessons)! She had her feet OVER the top of her head most of the time, and kept rubbing her eyes with her little fists. She also did a bit of a pelvic thrust dance maneuver that cracked us up. She was gorgeous, and we couldn't be prouder to have Brian and Sawyer's little sister on her way!

The "feet-over-head" position she was enjoying today.

Doesn't it look like she's blowing bubbles in this picture? hehe

She looked like she was getting sleepy.

2008-12-11T21:25:00.002-06:00

People keep emailing me for updates, which made me realize it's been awhile, so I thought I'd let you all know that everything is going great! I had an appointment on Wednesday to get my p17 shot. I was feeling nervous because I've been feeling very achy and heavy in my pelvic area and inner thighs. I asked the nurse if it was normal, and she seemed a little concerned and said it could be, but she would rather have me see the doctor to be sure.

So of course, I got really worried. I convinced myself that everything was going wrong again. I can still remember during the last pregnancy when I was first told I was "funneling" and there wasn't anything I could really do about it. It was so terrifying. I was really upset and sat crying while I waited in the sono room.

Dr. Harrington checked the cervix without really saying anything, which scared me too. When doctors are overly quiet it makes me nervous! Eventually he finished and started asking me about the heaviness and cramping. Finally, he told me that with a "normal" woman, he would say it was just normal pregnancy aches and pains, but with someone like me (given my history), he wanted to be sure.

So FINALLY he told me my cervix was still long and thick, and I was not dilated at all. What a relief! Everything looks great, so apparently what I am feeling is normal! I also heard from some of the other moms at abbyloopers (a website exclusively for women with a TAC) that it is something most of them have experienced--seems to go hand in hand with incompetent cervix and TAC. I don't mind as long as the baby stays put!!!! I can handle anything as long as he or she gets here safely!

Speaking of the "he/she" thing . . .we have another high-level with Dr. Egley on Tuesday, so hopefully after that I will be able to FINALLY announce whether or not it's a boy or a girl. :) Fingers crossed baby behaves and shows what he/she's got!

I am almost 20 weeks. Within 4 weeks, I will officially be the most pregnant I've ever been. During my pregnancy with Sawyer, I was already on bedrest and funneled, so I feel really happy that nothing has changed so far, and at this point, we are as close to a "normal" pregnancy as I can get! Keep us in your prayers, as this next 3 1/2 weeks are the real scary weeks for me. If we can make it to 25 weeks, I think each week after that will be more and more smooth sailing.

BTW, I wrote to Dr. Haney (I write to him about once every two weeks or so, either with updates or questions) and here is part of what he replied:

"I am delighted that you are progressing well and it will be no time until you are in the third trimester and anticipating your C-section. Your anxieties will be much less the second time around when you have absolute confidence. Good luck."
A.F. Haney

2008-11-30T12:53:00.004-06:00

USCIS TRIP TO NAPERVILLE

About a week ago, I was wishing that Jim and I could "get away" for an overnight trip, as we sometimes enjoy doing. It's nice to stay in a hotel (I have always loved it!) and be somewhere different, and feels like a mini-vacation. Well, the exact same day I was mentioning to a friend of mine how I wanted to do that, Jim got a notification from the USCIS that he had to go to Naperville to get biometrics. This is because he has just applied to have the conditions lifted on his permanent residency. Never mind the fact that he already did this two years ago (do fingerprints change??) . . .that's okay. It gave us the excuse we needed to get away!

We stayed about a mile from the biometrics office in Naperville's Staybridge Suites. We LOVED the hotel! It was clean and very nicely decorated. Our room was huge, and had a fridge, stove, microwave, sink, dishwasher, dishes, cable, HBO, DVD player . . .a couch, a desk, and a great view! On top of that, we knew that we would get "light Hors D'oeuvres" on Thursday night. This consisted of: mashed potatoes, gravy, turkey, sweet potatoes, really nice green salad, corn, biscuits, and breadsticks. This was served buffet style, all you could eat, and also included limitless wine (5 different kinds), beer (Miller Light and Samuel Adams Winter Lager), and soda (including iced tea, Powerade, and lemonade). Now, while I clearly couldn't take advantage of the beer or wine, I was still impressed by the offering, and Jim had a glass of pinot grigio . . .and when we go back next summer (which we've already planned to do!) I will certainly enjoy a small glass of wine. :)

That night we drove downtown to see the Christmas window displays at Macy's. It was a lot of fun, though we were a little confused by the window theme. I can't really describe it, except to say that it was like . . .little fairy-type creatures (kind of looked like Thing 1 and Thing 2) who made Christmas stuff out of Chicago . . .like bubblegum using bubbles from Lake Michigan. ?? Your guess is as good as mine. The poems were bizarre and did little to shed any light on the whole thing. But we had a great time and are glad we went! The only glitch was that I am pregnant, and a pregnant woman has to pee . . .a lot. So even though I peed several times before we left, I had to go REALLY BAD when we got there, and it being Thanksgiving, EVERYTHING WAS CLOSED!!!! And the people we asked for help we SOOOOO friendly (note the sarcasm). The clerk in the parking garage looked at me as though I were the dirtiest, most disgusting piece of human crap she'd ever seen and shook her head with a vengeance. hahaha Needless to say, I was relieved when we found a Walgreen's store open on the way back.

The next morning we enjoyed a huge full breakfast of waffles, oatmeal, cold cereal, omelets, bacon, sausage, hash browns, biscuits, gravy, donuts, muffins, bagels, toast, hard-boiled eggs, various fruit, yogurt, and various fruit juices. Yummmmy. We also discovered the hotel had a really nice pool, hot tub, and exercise room, along with FREE washers and dryers for guests! We debated for about 2 hours about going to the Brookfield Zoo. We had decided to go, when I started to feel a little heavy and crampy . . .which is "normal" (apparently) for this stage of pregnancy, but for someone like me, it's hard to know what normal is, and so we decided to take it easy instead. We agreed that the Brookfield trip will be another thing we do when we stay next summer, as well as Shedd Aquarium, The Field Museum of Natural History, The Museum of Science and Industry, and The Art Institute of Chicago. Looks like we'll have to stay for a week!

So instead of going to the zoo, we settled for coffee and reading at Borders, followed by a painful excursion into a parking lot . . .see, we forgot it was "Black Friday" (shuddering) and decided to go out for lunch at a Cajun place. So we turned into a mall parking lot at 12:50 PM, realizing instantly it was a mistake. They had traffic cones blocking off the turn we needed to take, because they wanted all traffic to move in a gigantic circle around the mall. There were very frustrated traffic cops at every intersection, and people literally (for real!) crashing their cars into each other, all trying to get the BEST DEAL! The circle was 2 lanes wide on each side. Well, we travelled all the way around, could not get over to the turning lane to get to the restaurant we wanted, passed the point where we needed to turn to get out of the lot because no one would let us over STILL, continued in another half-circle before FINALLY we caught a break and were able to get over . . .and turned out of the parking lot at 1:20 p.m. THIRTY minutes and several near-crashes later, we finally were free. I'm not even going to get started on how I feel about the way most people behave on "Black Friday" because this blog would never end. We ended up stopping about 20 miles further on our route at a place called Johnny Rockets, which was like an old-fashioned diner. We arrived home at dusk to pick up our whiny little Beagle from the kennel. And I say whiny only because it's very cute the way she whines when we get her . . .like, "How COULD you??" All the way home, we ask her about various favorite pursuits of hers, such as, "You want to see Sammy???" (our cat) and she howls hysterically.

All in all, we had a wonderful time and a little trip away from home was just what the doctor ordered. Now, back to reality. *sigh*

I had to post this, just so Jim's family could see what a dork he still is! hahaha

Our Christmas Dance

2008-11-26T23:11:00.001-06:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

2008-11-24T12:52:00.002-06:00

UPDATE!

Okay, first and MOST IMPORTANTLY . . .the baby is healthy! I got the quad marker test results (finally) and they were absolutely wonderful, and the baby looked great today.

However . . .the moment we have all been waiting for, sadly, will not arrive for at least another week, possibly 3 weeks. Dr. Egley could not tell yet if it was a boy or a girl. So you're all just going to have to be patient--like mom and dad--until we can tell for sure!

I will be going back to Dr. Egley's in 3 weeks. I was not quite far along enough yet for him to check all the things he wanted to . . .but I am a lot less nervous for next time, being fairly sure this baby is healthy. If there are some problems, we will be glad to know so that we can get them taken care of after the baby is born. My prayer this whole week was to know that this is our miracle baby, and that whatever the test results came back, I would know that he or she is a PERFECT creation of God, and no matter what I would love and cherish him or her. And I prayed that we will be the best parents we can be to whoever this baby is. :)

Dr. Egley did tell me that Dr. Harrington spoke with him on the phone just this morning about my case, and about scheduling my C-section. They decided at that time that I should have the C-section at one day short of 38 weeks (possibly because I'll be 38 weeks on a Saturday?) . . .and by our calculations, that should be on April 17. Who knows--this could change, as we are all aware that things don't always follow a perfect plan. But if things happen the way Dr. Egley seemed to think they will, then April 17 would be a perfect day. I will have the steroid shots for the baby's lungs, just to make certain that everything is okay in the breathing department.

Next week I have an ultrasound with Dr. H, so we'll see if he can tell any clearer whether this is a he or a she! :) Please continue to keep us in your prayers--I am right smack dab in the "risky time" of this pregnancy. If we can get from 16 weeks to 26 weeks without problems, we should make it to the end just fine!

2008-11-12T18:59:00.003-06:00

QUICK UPDATE:

1.) Today my cervix measured 3.9 cm with no funneling. This is exactly what it measured the day BEFORE my surgery! When I was 15 weeks along with Sawyer, it was around 3 cm. So this is GREAT NEWS!

2.) Our OB has speculated on the gender of baby #3. He says he is 50-80% sure. :) So Jim made me swear to keep it a secret until after our high-level ultrasound in 12 days! I will announce it if we are able to see for sure on that day. Until then . . .I'm going to get a poll to have everyone vote on what they think! That should be fun!

3.) I started my p17 shots today to make sure I don't have preterm contractions. That thing hurt like heck. It actually BURNED going in, and still hurts now. However, it WILL be worth it in the end . . .I keep repeating it to myself to make sure I remember!

Wow--two for the price of one today! I'm on a roll!

2008-11-12T14:06:00.003-06:00

Well, I have done it. I've started to believe. Kind of.

I felt the baby move recently, and it's been happening nightly. When I'm sitting or lying very still, I can sometimes feel him/her rolling around. Jim's been able to feel it once too.

I also bought some baby clothes. Steve and Barry's is going out of business, so I bought a few gender-neutral outfits and lots of baby socks. I also bought the sweetest onesie . . .it has baby Dumbo on it, and says, "Mama's Little Peanut."

I've also started to dream of putting the nursery together, of baby showers, and of all the things we will do to prepare for this little one.

I start my shots today. I am almost halfway through the pregnancy, and only 6 weeks away from the point where things have gone wrong before. I have a feeling I'm going to sail right through. I didn't have that confidence when I was pregnant with Sawyer. I was scared all the time. But this time, I know the TAC will hold. I have heard from several women who all made it full term, with no complications. I am praying for this every day. I pray no pre-term labor, no contractions, no gestational diabetes, no high blood-pressure. But most importantly, I pray this baby will make it as close to full term as possible with the TAC, and that he/she will be born healthy and we can take him/her home.

I have fallen in love, and I can't wait to meet our child for the first time. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I long for the moment I see our baby's face and look into his/her eyes . . .and just know that I am mom to a living child, finally. I miss our boys so much, but I know they will be SUCH a huge part of that moment. They will be part of our lives no matter what, and our third child will always know how much mommy and daddy love ALL their children, and how proud we are of them.

Little one . . .I can't wait to hold you. I have longed for this moment all my life. Your dad and I are waiting, every day, with the highest of hopes and hearts full of love.

(And very soon I should be able to stop with the him/her stuff and find out for sure!)

2008-10-23T11:21:00.003-05:00

I just wanna say how awesome and amazing Extreme Home Makeover is. I have ALWAYS loved and watched the show, and now, guess what?? They are doing a house in Pekin. Not only is that pretty cool . . .what's even cooler is that it is the house of my friend's family!!! I personally know someone involved!!! My friend Rachel's (aka Kiki) parents' home is the one being redone, and I couldn't be happier for them! They are great people, and very deserving of this great gift. I love a show that promotes giving and caring amongst fellow community members--what could be better than that?

Here's a story:
http://www.pjstar.com/news_county/x76323062/Makeovers-bittersweet-beginning

(Rachel is the one crying in the front row when the house is demolished. And Rachel, if you read this blog, trust me, I get it! I ALWAYS cry when they demolish the houses on the show. I know I would do the same thing, no matter how awesome I knew the end result would be . . .that's your house, and all the memories . . .wow. Brave woman.)

If you click on the photo on the left side of the page, it will take you to a slideshow of lots of pictures from the day!

2008-10-17T13:55:00.001-05:00

My cousin told me about this song, and I thought I would post the lyrics here today.

Glory Baby by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE: I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

2008-10-16T13:31:00.002-05:00

Feeling . . .

There's a line from a Sarah McLachlan song that says, "I won't fear love."

I think I do, and I want to change that, but I'm not quite sure how to go about it.

I realized today, while watching a video from a mom who lost two boys, had a TAC, and now has a healthy baby girl, that my fear is preventing me from feeling. I am afraid to love this baby. I know I do, of course . . .but I'm afraid to really feel it. If I do, and I lose again, how can I ever cope?

Jim gave me a gift which had a quote on it: "When things go wrong, hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.'"

I know that Brian and Sawyer would want us to try again. I believe that with all my heart. When I considered how hard they both fought for life, and how CLOSE we were, I knew that it was the right thing to do. I also believe that God brought me to Dr. Haney and the TAC surgery so that my lifelong dream of being a mother could be fulfilled. The trouble is . . .now that I'm in the middle of it, it's hard to remember, and even harder to believe in.

Terrified doesn't even describe how I feel. It's not a strong enough word. And I used to be able to get out all of my feelings by writing . . .yet now, I am not that interested in writing, further proof of the distance I am creating within myself. So that is why I don't blog much, unless it's to report some important bit of news.

I cried for about an hour today, because suddenly, this little life growing inside of me became painstakingly real . . .and I realized that everything I have ever wanted is riding on the outcome of this pregnancy. I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a mommy. I have the husband I always dreamed of, and I have two boys, but I can't hold them or even see them. The loss of Sawyer and Brian still hurts, and I just pray every day that we make it to the end this time. I know you are all praying, too, and I thank you. It means everything to us, and we know that God is listening.

There is a brokenness out of which comes the unbroken,

A shatteredness out of which blooms the unshatterable.

There is a sorrow beyond all grief which leads to joy

And a fragility out of whose depths emerges strength.

There is a hollow space too vast for words

Through which we pass with each loss,

Out of whose darkness we are sanctified into being.

There is a cry deeper than all sound whose serrated edges cut the heart

As we break open to the place inside which is unbreakable

And whole.

~Rashani

2008-10-13T19:52:00.002-05:00

A visit to the ER is always fun, especially when it takes 5 hours.

Saturday night, I couldn't seem to get any sleep. I felt restless and nauseated, and couldn't find a comfortable position. I kept feeling really full and bloated, but didn't know why. I woke up the next morning throwing up. It was really quite horrible--I didn't make it to the bathroom the first time, and my WONDERFUL husband had a mess to clean up. He definitely deserves an award for the way he has taken care of me!!!!!! Anyway, I continued to be sick all day long (thankfully made it to the toilet the other 10 or so times)! Finally, at about 10 pm, Jim called the answering service for our OB and we got a call from the doctor. He advised going to the ER to get re-hydrated, and said that vomiting like that can be a vicious cycle, where you get dehydrated, the dehydration causes nausea, and then the vomiting causes more dehydration. So . . .we went to the ER around 10:00, and didn't get a room until after midnight. I was sick twice more while we were waiting. My mom came to the hospital, because she couldn't sleep until she knew I was okay. She also had stayed during the surgery, which was very sweet. It's nice to have moral support! Finally, at about 12:40, they placed an IV. I got IV fluids and some strong anti-nausea medication for the next 2 1/2 hours. At about 3:00 I was discharged and told I could come back right away for help if any more problems came up.

I had an appointment at the OB office this morning at 9:30, so when the alarm rang at 8:00, naturally I turned it off. Thankfully, I woke up at about 8:45 again, and we made it in time. Everything looks great--baby is looking good with a heart rate of 170. I am feeling a lot better, and got a bottle of Zofran, a very strong antiemetic. I have managed to eat a little today and kept it all down. I am still worried about it happening again, just because it's so miserable, but so far, things are going well.

2008-10-08T15:58:00.002-05:00

I am home, and here is a brief summary of how I am doing:

The sugery, which is supposed to take an hour, took over 3 hours. Dr. Haney said it was one of, if not his most, difficult case. Because of my height, he said it was difficult to get where he wanted to be, and also my uterian arteries are exactly parallel to my uterus, while most people's come in at an angle. All of this is probably too much information, but what it means is that combined together, it just made it VERY difficult for him. He also usually makes an incision of a couple of inches, but for me it is about 10-12 inches across my entire stomach. This means the recovery will be a lot more painful.

I was also very scared because I had no choice--I had to be "put under." I had wanted that at first, but then got worried about it, and had pretty much decided on a spinal, but Dr. Haney said it would be too dangerous to do it while I was awake. He said he had to be able to "pull muscles apart" and couldn't do it if I wasn't fully relaxed. In retrospect, I am VERY glad I was under, because it was over 3 hours and very complicated. I would not have wanted to be awake for any of that!!!!

I also experienced an incredible degree of nausea . . .which seemed to get better yesterday late afternoon, but appears to be back. I am hoping this will get better soon, because I hate feeling like I'm going to throw up all the time. Apparently this is because, as Dr. Haney told me, they had to move around my intestines (I know--gross!) At first I thought I was going to have to stay another night, but thankfully, I was able to get up and move around, pee, and all the other stuff that convinced them I was okay to go home. I am a much better "patient" and recover better in my own bed! I finally got some solid sleep without anyone taking my blood pressure or more blood!

However, the outcome is really good. I would trade physical pain ANY day for losing another child, and the upshot is that Dr. Haney is an amazing doctor and surgeon. The reason he took so long was to get it perfect, and it is perfect. When they looked on ultrasound the next day, they saw that the kevlar band is ALL the way at the top of the cervix, just under the uterus, which is optimum placement. He couldn't have gotten it any higher, so it was a perfect outcome. The other perfect part is that the baby, despite all the risks, made it and is doing perfect! Heart rate is between 176-180!

So everything is good, other than the HUGE amount of pain I am in, but that will get better every day over the next few weeks. It will DEFINITELY be worth it in the end.

2008-09-22T14:16:00.006-05:00

Pregnancy/Surgery Update

Well . . .my medical card FINALLY arrived (phew!) and my surgery is now scheduled. It will be on Monday, October 6 at Duchossois Center for Advanced Medicine. I will then stay at Bernard Mitchell Hospital across the street. Dr. Arthur F. Haney will perform the Transabdominal Cerclage (or TAC). TACs have a 95+% success rate, which is all the more incredible considering all of those who have a TAC have had failed TVCs and Incompetent Cervix. Dr. Haney has been amazing--always ready and available to answer all of my questions, very reassuring, and very positive. He's a great physician and surgeon--a rare find indeed. And I also joined an online community of women who all have had TACs and success stories abound! I am feeling very positive and excited about this. Please keep us in your prayers--there are risks to the surgery, just as with any surgery, so we could sure use them.

About Dr. Haney:
Dr. Haney is Chairman of Obstetrics & Gynecology and the Catherine Lindsay Dobson Professor in Obstetrics & Gynecology at the University of Chicago.

The recipient of numerous honors, including a Distinguished Professor Award from Duke in 1986, Haney has served as president of the American Society for Reproductive Medicine, as president of the Congress of the International Federation of Fertility Societies, as well as an examiner and director of the American Board of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

He has published more than 100 articles in peer-reviewed journals, authored dozens of review articles and book chapters, and served as editor for the 9th edition of the most widely used textbook for medical students and residents, Danforth's Obstetrics and Gynecology.

He also has served as a consultant on fertility issues to the United States Environmental Protection Agency, the National Institute on Environmental Health Sciences, the National Cancer Institute, the U.S. Food & Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control and the President's Council on Bioethics.

Dr. Haney specializes in abdominal cerclage.

LINKS:
Duchossois Center for Advanced Medicine
Arthur F. Haney, MD
University of Chicago Medical Center Obstetrics and Gynecology

In other news, please pray for my uncle as well. He is in the hospital with some heart problems, though I'm not sure exactly what is going on right now. He was NOT having a heart attack, so this is good news. His heart rate is also improving.

2008-09-03T15:11:00.004-05:00

I realize I haven't been saying much about the pregnancy yet. There has been a reason for that. I am very, very early . . .even earlier than I had first thought when I went to the doctor. Apparently, I found out about a week to 10 days post conception. So I am just now between 5-6 weeks. I was nervous at first, because last week when I went in, the nurse said my pregnancy test (urine) was "very light." So they did a sono, and all they saw was a small gestational sac, which apparently is normal for early pregnancy. However, it can also be that way if you have a blighted ovum or other such complications. They took my blood and had me come back 2 days later to do it again to make sure the hCG was doubling.

I was afraid to talk about things because I was really, really worried. Even though I didn't really tell anyone, I just felt so afraid of something going wrong in this early stage, and how hard it would be . . .especially since I have already told everyone. Sometimes when you start THIS early in the pregnancy, it can be scary! There's not a whole lot they can see or do at 3-4 weeks, but we want definite answers! We are praying a lot and learning a lot of patience already.

So . . .the good news is that my hCG looks great. It is doubling, and the numbers are right in the 4-6 week range.

The best news is that I had another sono today. This time the gestational sac was much larger than a week ago, and the doctor could see the yolk sac and fetal pole, both of which are very important to identify at this stage! I go back for another sono next week, and hopefully at that point there will be a heartbeat.

Keep praying that things continue to develop normally and this baby is healthy!

2008-08-22T18:57:00.001-05:00

Just When I'd Almost Given Up . . .

"A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside... when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone."

2008-07-22T23:46:00.001-05:00

Fly away little bird
The saddest song I ever heard
Was the one I wrote you in my heart
That never made it to the world

~Indigo Girls

2008-07-17T15:03:00.004-05:00

Lighter Than Air, Filled With Love . . .

Brian's second birthday was on Friday, July 11, which happened to be during our vacation. Early that morning, my mom and dad helped us call around to some local florists to find out if they did helium balloons. We found one that did, so we travelled to Versailles, MO, to buy balloons for him. We decided upon a balloon that depicted a cabin by a lake, with mom and dad ducks sailing by. Each day, we would see and feed this little family of ducks, so we thought it was perfect. We also got another blue balloon for Brian, and added a green one for Sawyer.

We picked out a small card that said "Glad you were born" on it. We wrote on the front of the card:

~In Memory~

Brian William Rennie

July 11, 2006

Our Precious Son

Then on the back we wrote:

We love you! Mom and Dad

If found, please mail to:

Jim Rennie

(and then our address)

We sealed the envelope after both signing our names (Mom and Dad), and then Jim wrote some words from Brian's funeral on the outside of the envelope. The words were read by the Pastor as we released a white balloon in his memory: "Lighter than air, filled with love . . ."

We released the balloons in early evening, and watched as they sailed off into the distance. It was a bittersweet moment--the day our first child was born was also one of the saddest and most horrifying days of our lives, because it was also the day we had to say goodbye to him. We want to always remember him in a positive way on his birthday, and make sure to pass on the love that we feel for him to others. In this way, he lives on and makes the world a better place.

We were really hoping that someone might find the card, but didn't know how far it might travel or how long it might be before we heard anything (if ever). Today was the day! When I got home from work, I discovered that we had a letter from Berger, MO. My heart was filled with joy and anticipation as I tore open the envelope. This is what we read:

7-13-08

Hello Jim Rennie:

My name is Carolyn and my husband is Gerald S****. We ride our double bike down in the Berger Bottoms as many days a week we can ride. We try to ride 20 miles a day. Berger, MO is just 5 miles east of Hermann, MO or 70 miles west of St. Louis. On Friday, July 11th, we were riding and saw the balloon on a levy, and thinking it may be like a treasure hunt my husband got off the bike and went to retrieve it. He found the card, unopened, still on the ribbon. We think it was down there because it looked like there may have been more than one balloon on the string and the remaining balloon was almost flat. We were both touched by the gesture and words on the card. We are curious, was your son born on 7-11-06, or did he pass away on that date? How old was he?

We are also wondering when the balloon was released? We found it 7-11-08.

It also throws us, when we see the florist was in Versailles, MO and your address it Tremont, IL. We are about 110 miles from Versailles, MO.

We are both retired and ride our double seated bike for pleasure and exercise. How about you?

We have email, do you? Ours is *****. Would love to hear from you.

Carolyn and Gerald S*****

PS
We went on a bus trip, thru our local bank last summer to Amish Country. Had a delicious meal at an Amish home in Versailles, MO. We may do it again the food was so delicious. We will look forward to hearing back from you.

So how amazing is this? My little boy is still touching people's lives, people who live far away, who have never met us or heard our story. And the fact that someone would take the time not only to mail the card back, but to write a letter means more than we can express. This small gesture on their part has really moved us deeply, and we can't wait to get in touch with them. I am thinking of writing a real "paper" letter first, and then emailing if they would like to stay in touch.

So, happy birthday to our precious, beloved baby boy, Brian William. You are our firstborn, our very first glimpse of a true miracle, and we will love you eternally.

*****************************************************

Interviewer: Do you have any advice for women?

Edith Piaf: Love

Interviewer: How about for a young woman?

Edith: Love

Interviewer: And for a child?

Edith: Love

*****************************************************

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.

1 John 4:8

*****************************************************

All you need is love . . .

Yes, the Beatles said it too, in as many ways as they could find. Maybe someday the world will hear the message.

*****************************************************

Lighter than air, filled with love . . .

2008-07-15T14:58:00.004-05:00

Just a quick update . . .we celebrated Brian's second birthday in Heaven while we were in Lake of the Ozarks. I will be posting pictures and memories soon . . .just need a chance to get caught up with things here!

Happy Birthday, our precious son. We love you more than ever and miss you more each day.

2008-06-13T21:44:00.003-05:00

Something Has to Change

We just got done watching part of a documentary on BBC Newsnight about North Korean refugees. "On The Border" is a documentary on North Korean refugees produced by the Chosun Ilbo as part of its global cross-media program. The segment contained scenes of a North Korean woman sold to China across the Tumen River for [$47], a North Korean drug dealer crossing the river naked, and the suffering of North Korean women suffering hardships after being sold to Chinese men. It also showed the bodies of people who perished in the freezing cold and who were left where they fell until the waters thawed and they were washed away. It showed how China treats these refugees (put them in prison and send them back, in one case first aborting the fetus of one of the women who was pregnant w/a half-Chinese/half-Korean baby).

I couldn't believe my eyes. Lately it seems as if I am seeing the world as it really is for the first time. I can't believe how naive and silly people are, myself included. It feels like the world around me has been a mirage, which is slowly dissipating, and I am seeing for myself just how frightening and tragic the lives of others are.

I read a story recently about a free rice program which is being stopped in Cambodia, due to soaring global food prices.

"At dawn in a ramshackle elementary school in rural Cambodia, the children think of only one thing: their stomachs. They anxiously await the steaming buckets of free rice delivered to their desks. But by the end of the month, they will no longer get free breakfast from the UN World Food Program. About 450,000 Cambodian students will become the latest victims of soaring global food prices.

Five local suppliers have defaulted on contracts to provide rice because they can get a higher price elsewhere, program officials say. Prices of rice have tripled on the global market since December.

Faced with a shortfall of more than 14,000 tons of rice, and with more pressing needs to meet, the World Food Program stopped the free breakfasts in March. The schools' remaining stocks are expected to run out in the coming days."

The article goes on: "The numbers are grim. In Burundi, Kenya and Zambia, hundreds of thousands of people face cuts in food rations after June. In Iraq, 500,000 recipients will likely lose food aid. In Yemen, it's 320,000 households, including children and the sick."

Many children will now drop out of school, as this free meal was a worthwhile reason to attend. However, without it, they will need to help their families try to find a way to survive poverty and hunger.

I cried my eyes out when I read the quotes from the school children.

"I had difficulty sitting in the class because my stomach was growling," Rim Channa, a 13-year-old fifth-grader.

"I feel hopeless," said Boeurn Srey Leak, a 15-year-old in sixth grade.

I realize there are those who feel that it isn't our responsibility to help the rest of the world. I am not one of those people. Something in my life has to change. I can't continue to live this life, wanting for very little, while there are so many needing so much. I don't know what it is yet, I just know it's there, and it needs fixing.

2008-05-31T01:44:00.008-05:00

I'm Such a Jerk

I meant to post this on Mother's Day. I honestly did. And then I forgot. Completely. Now I feel like big crapola. I walked past my gift from Jim and was admiring it and garnering strength from it, as tonight has been a particularly hard night, and suddenly realized I'd never actually posted this blog. In the midst of mentioning the garden, the tattoos, and the other special Mother's Day gifts, I failed to mention the most significant gift of all. So . . .here it is, a little late, but just as heartfelt and grateful.

On Mother's Day, after a family dinner, Jim and I retreated to our apartment to spend the evening together. He brought me a card and a package.

The card was from Hallmark's (Product)RED line. The front looks like this:

Inside, on the left, it says (I couldn't get a decent picture of it):

EBAN "Fence"

In West Africa, a house

with a fenced yard

is considered an ideal home

where love is safe.

The inside right looks like this:

So the tears began . . .obviously. The card couldn't have been more perfect. It is so special to me. I still have it displayed on the dining table so I can look at it every day.

Then I opened the gift. It was from Jim and the boys.

Are any more words needed? I cried and cried . . .and it felt so nice to be remembered, and for my boys to be a part of the day. I know they want us to try again, in all aspects of our life together, as a family. Brian and Sawyer will always be that Hope, whispering to me, leading me on.

Thank you, Jim. You are the most amazing person I know. I love you more every day, and I will love you always.

2008-05-25T20:48:00.002-05:00

Brian and Sawyer’s Memorial Garden

Well, we finally did it! Yesterday when I went to get my tattoos, they were running about 45 minutes behind, so we went right across the street to buy some flowers. We had bought my mom flowers for Mother's Day from the same place and they were really pretty, so we thought it would be a good place to get some for Brian and Sawyer.

We chose three types of flowers: snapdragons, alyssum, and lobelia. We chose flowers in green, blue, and yellow . . .the colors of the boys' nursery. We already had one pink flower too, that my church had given to each mother for Mother's Day.

After my tattoo was finished, we went to Menard's to get some stones to edge the garden with. At first we were looking at landscaping bricks and edging, but nothing caught our eye (or imagination). Suddenly, just as we had almost decided on a type of stone we "kinda" liked, Jim noticed some granite cobbles. They are really natural looking smooth, round stones. We loved them instantly, but debated on whether or not it would be possible to use them around the edge. We finally decided it was worth taking a chance and chose some. We had no idea how many to get--we hadn't measured anything or decided on a size--we couldn't even remember the width of the stone. So we kind of guessed and hoped that we had enough.

Today when we arrived, Jim dug out all the grass and chopped up the dirt so it was smooth and fine. At the same time, I put up the new wind chimes that a "mysterious friend" sent me for Mother's Day from Brian and Sawyer. We also found a new flag holder--our other one was kind of makeshift, because when we went to buy it, there were none at any of the stores. So this one will be more sturdy and permanent, even though I have to say, Jim did a great job with the first one! So I put that up, and I also washed their tombstone and statues.

When he finished, he laid out the stones, and guess what? There were EXACTLY enough. It couldn't have been more perfect. They looked absolutely beautiful. He packed them in, then I sat down and we started the flower planting. We tried to lay everything out perfectly.

When we finished, we arranged the stuff at their grave, and then stood back to look. We were both incredibly pleased. It looks gorgeous! The stones and flowers could not have been more perfect. We went and got some water to water the flowers, and then took some pictures. We are so glad everything worked together to create such a nice memorial to our boys. We think their grave looks absolutely perfect. The flowers have added some color, life, and beauty to their resting place. It looks very peaceful and serene, and I love that all the colors of their nursery are incorporated.

2008-05-24T22:16:00.006-05:00

Well . . .I did it! For those of you who don't know, I got 2 tattoos for Mother's Day. However, I had to make an appointment for this weekend, which worked out really well since it's Memorial Day weekend. We also got flowers and stones to make Brian and Sawyer's memorial garden . . .we will be working on it tomorrow, so watch for a blog and pictures!

My tattoos are my sons' footprints--Brian's left footprint on my left foot, and Sawyer's right footprint on my right foot. And just so everyone knows . . .foot tattoos aren't any worse than any other tattoo, as far as I'm concerned. They hurt, yes, but I can remember getting both of my other tattoos, and it was no worse. I had built up the pain in my mind SO badly, because everyone kept telling me how much foot tattoos hurt . . .but it was really okay. Tolerable, anyway. Perhaps this is because Kalib, the artist from American Inkwell who did mine, is very talented. I've always heard that if you get tattoos from really great artists it isn't as bad, and maybe that's true. Regardless, Kalib did an amazing job. He didn't push me too hard, took lots of tiny breaks, just to let me breathe once before starting again, and just when I thought it was too much, he'd squirt a little water on and wipe, which really cooled down the burning sensation. Each foot only took about 7-10 minutes, because I didn't want any color and Kalib didn't want to use any liner. We just wanted to go for a very natural look, as if the boys' footprints were stamped directly on mine.

Here is a picture of Brian's tattoo, which is on my left side because he was our first born, but also because my tattoo in memory of his namesake is on that side as well:

Here is Sawyer's (still a little bloody, sorry):

And here are both together:

In this picture, you can see the "tan stripe" across the center of my feet. It was funny, because when I was trying to explain to Kalib and Jason, the other tattoo artist at American Inkwell, where I wanted them, I finally said, "Well, you see that tan line across my foot?" and they both laughed.

So there you go! I love them love them love them. I love how they are each unique, because they are perfect replicas of my children's footprints. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad I got up the courage to do this . . .Jim told me in the car on the way, as I was crying because I was so scared, that I would always regret it if I didn't do it, and he was right! AND he reminded me of all the happiness they would bring if I did do it, and he was right about that too, of course . . .he always is.

I'll post some more photos as they heal. For now, I'd better go get them elevated--avoiding edema is a great excuse for a lazy weekend!

2008-05-19T20:24:00.004-05:00

The Call

I went to see Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian on Sunday. I am a huge CS Lewis fan, and I ADORE the Narnia books. My old set is ragged and dog-eared from being read over and over again, through my childhood and into my adulthood. I always thought it would be fun to decorate a child's room in a Narnia theme. So, as you can imagine, I loved the movie. I thought it was really well done and captured the spirit of the book. However, an unexpected gem came at the end of the movie in a song. I am also a HUGE Regina Spektor fan, so when I heard the first line, I knew instantly it was her. This song is absolutely gorgeous. It made me cry, BIG time, not just because it captured the book/movie/story perfectly, but of course because of the loss I've experienced. I love being reminded once again by CS Lewis that death is never the end, and goodbye is never forever.

The Call
by Regina Spektor

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
'Til they're before your eyes
You'll cone back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say goodbye

2008-05-17T18:54:00.004-05:00

My sister-in-law (Jim's sister) has just released her first full-length CD. Her name is Cathryn Stone, and the album is called "White Sun Dark Moon." I have listened to it hundreds of times now, and I can tell you without reservation that it is fantastic. Even if I didn't know her and wasn't related to her, I would still STRONGLY recommend that you purchase this album, . She writes her own songs, plays her own instruments, and her voice is incredible. The songs are all beautiful . . .haunting . . .so earthy and real.

So if you're in the mood to try something new in the world of music, buy her CD. You won't be disappointed! You can buy it from her website, http://www.cathrynstone.co.uk/, or from CD Baby at http://cdbaby.com/cd/cathrynstone.

Oh, and by the way, Jim designed the logo of her name, and his name is mentioned on the back cover of the CD. Very cool--we feel slightly famous!

2008-05-11T10:08:00.000-05:00

Tattoo Update

Well . . .the tattoo has been talked about with the artists, a deposit has been paid, and an appointment has been made! I will get both feet tattooed with the boys' footprints (one on each) on March 26. Pictures will follow! Wish me luck--I have heard nothing but warnings about how BAD the pain will be, but Kalib, one of the owners and artists at American Inkwell, told me it would hurt less than the one on my leg, so that made me feel a LOT better! I trust his judgement. I'm really excited and can't wait to show them off!

2008-05-08T19:25:00.004-05:00

So . . .I've been living my new healthy lifestyle for a week now. Actually 8 days. I have lost 10 pounds, which isn't too bad I suppose (although I do struggle with impatience and the need for instant results). For the first few days, I was concentrating on the food part--calories, fat, protein, and carbs. Then two days ago I added exercise and began walking a mile each night, and this afternoon--joy of all joys!--my Sweatin' to the Oldies DVD arrived! Yes, that's right . . .I could relive the days of high school PE aerobics with Richard and the 80's gang. I did the whole workout, and even though it was fairly simple, I did sweat and it did strain me. One must bear in mind that it's been over a decade since I've really exercised. But I had fun. I really love Richard's workouts--you feel like real people are capable of doing them successfully and losing weight. I also felt really good afterwards. I had planned to join my already sleeping husband for a nap, but alas, I was suddenly overcome with energy--go figure! My dog is happy with this whole arrangement too, because she never gets to lick real plates . . .but now that many of my foods come out of plastic trays, she gets to lick them at the end, and this makes her feel fulfilled.

I am really obsessed with the food part. I track every single last calorie I eat, down to this morning's single servings of Coffee Mate (30 calories each)! A couple of my friends at work have joined me, which is really nice and helps with motivation. It's also funny, because we're pretty desperate to get the most food possible for our calories. I was telling them today how I use my fingers to scrape clean the bottoms of my microwave food entrees, and they totally understood. We also talked about how some foods have become "SO not worth it" to us . . .because they're such a small portion and so many calories. We're also quite serious about eating every last bit--today my friend dropped a raisin, and I joked about it . . .but deep down, I knew that if it was me, I'd have grabbed the raisin off the floor and eaten it. Every raisin counts.

I shall leave you all to ponder that as I finish up my roasted potatoes and broccoli, which I mistakenly thought also contained chicken. As you can imagine, I'm pretty disappointed right about now. Anyway . . .here's to living longer!

2008-05-07T16:44:00.001-05:00

Tagged Again

Okay, I got tagged again . . .I think I've done this before, but I will try to write different things this time.

I HAVE BEEN TAGGED

The rules in this game of tag are simple -- once you have been tagged, you must write a blog with ten weird, random things, little known facts or habits about yourself. At the end choose at least 10 people to be tagged, list their names and why you chose them. Don't forget to leave a comment that says "you've been tagged" and tell them to read your latest blog. Since you can't tag me back… let me know when you've posted your blog so I can see it.

1. I love Kenny Loggins. I am embarrassed about it, but my friend Jami and I decided we should make T-Shirts that say, on the front, "We Love Loggins" and on the back "And we are not ashamed!"

2. I kind of want to write Kenny Loggins a fan letter. I bet he hasn't gotten one since the late 80's. I could be his number one fan, for sure. Maybe even president of his fan club.

3. I also love Richard Simmons. I recently ordered "Sweatin' to the Oldies" to go along with my diet. Maybe I should add "Simmons" to the Loggins Tee.

4. I am getting 2 new tattoos, as soon as my "economic stimulus" money comes in. I am getting Brian's footprint on my left foot and Sawyer's on my right.

5. I like to call people by strange names. Like right now, if I saw you, I'd say, "Hi, Mike!" And I bet your name is indeed . . .well, not Mike.

6. Like my sister-in-law, I am not overly obsessed with chocolate. I like it. But I don't LOVE it. Now that I'm on a diet, people keep asking me if I miss it. No, I don't. In fact, I can still eat a lot of stuff w/some chocolate, and it's not that thrilling. What I'd REALLY love to eat is a pound of bacon. Seriously.

7. I used to worry a lot about people talking bad about me. It really upset me a lot to know that "friends" of mine were saying things, judging me, behind my back. I know that people have judged my divorce and remarriage, and think I am a bad person. I haven't advertised my feelings or what happened to most people, so they assume they know. I'm over that now, and over them. None of them actually know even a tiny percent of what they THINK they know about me or my life.

8. I am a little bit obsessed with true-crime tv shows and books. Another secret passion.

9. I love rainstorms. I love camping too. And I even like it if it rains when I'm camping so I can lay in the tent and listen to it and smell it and feel the coolness wash over everything.

10. I pretty much hate forced social activities. I am not an antisocial person. I enjoy hanging out with people in a relaxed, casual environment. I feel very silly and uncomfortable sitting with people I maybe kinda-sorta know, or maybe have never met, pretending we're friends. Everyone laughs too loud and tries to be funny.

I Now Tag :

1. Amy N.
2. Nichole R.
3. Jami K.
4. Ashley K.
5. Sheri M.
6. Stacy W.
7. Trish W.
8. Carrie W.
9. Ashleigh B.
10.Stephanie H.

2008-05-04T16:14:00.005-05:00

Mother's Ring for Mother's Day

For a long time now, I have wanted a mother's ring. I wasn't exactly even sure what kind of ring to get--one with birthstones, or one with engraving. I had asked for one for Christmas, but unknown to me at the time, my friend, Kathie, had already written to Jim about a ring she was getting for me. She had seen the company, http://www.nellandlizzy.com/, in Oprah's magazine. After she ordered it, they informed her that it was going to be quite awhile before they could get to making the ring--the magazine had launched them to a popularity they were unable to keep up with. So she decided to give it to me for Mother's Day.

Today we went to Starbucks to hang out, and she gave me the ring. She gave credit to Jim for helping her out with the sizing and planning. Of course, I love it!!!! It is so perfect, and so ME. I don't like big, shiny, "blingy" jewelry, and I don't really wear that kind of stuff. That is why I chose a very simple wedding ring. It's just my personal taste. The ring looks aged, and very classy. I think it's absolutely perfect.

It is also perfect in that it doesn't fit on my right hand ring finger--apparently that finger is larger than the one on my left hand. It does fit on the ring finger of my left hand, but not with my wedding ring. So I put it on the pinky of my left hand, and it looks perfect! I love how it looks right next to my wedding ring. It represents nicely my 3 loves--Jim, Brian, and Sawyer. One of the really cool features is that the ring is really 2 rings intertwined, so they are always changing position--one is never "more important" than the other.

Thank you SO much, Kathie, for such a wonderful reminder of my boys. It is just perfect in every way, and I can't wait to show it off! I couldn't have chosen a more perfect ring myself! You are a wonderful friend, and I love you. Thanks for remembering me at this holiday and recognizing me as a mother. It means a lot to me, more than you could know.

2008-04-12T11:25:00.005-05:00

This is a poem that, oddly, I had printed out and even had one of my speech students read for competition years ago, before I married Jim or lost the boys. It's strange to me that I was so moved by these words, even then.

Slipping
by Svea Barrett

There are things I can't seem to hold, things always slipping from me,
like messages for you, lists of errands, pens and chalk, all the broken
dishes and spilled cups of coffee -- just this morning a fresh cup,
steaming, spread across the blacktop in Duncan Donuts' parking lot.

And that time, the last time we drove in silence down to Philly again,
to Children's Hospital, where they cut and hold babies' hearts
every day. The doctor I didn't like met us at the door before we could
even wash our hands or put on those masks and stiff, green gowns.

"Be prepared." His voice was flat. "He looks bad today. His kidneys are failing.
He's very bloated." I tried to leave but he held my arm. "I'm serious. Be prepared."
My teeth drew blood from somewhere deep inside the dryness of my mouth.
My jaws and armpits clenched. Your hand clamped onto my shoulder.

Inside I stroked our son's stretched skin and winced for him.
I feared my slightest touch would explode us both all over the hospital floor.
I whispered once into his swollen ear, and we slipped out to sit on that
hard wooden bench in the hall, not speaking, all our words long gone.

We sat 'til there was nothing left to do but drive back home.
You had to work, and our other twin waited for me.
I didn't know then that mothers often ask to
hold them, even after they're gone.

He just slipped out of my reach, like everything else does lately,
except for this memory slipped around my neck and holding tight.
Another opportunity missed, like so many chances for us to talk,
since it became clear things would not be turning out the way you planned.

This morning the tiny bar of soap on the shower floor dissolved
and disappeared before I could try to hold its slippery roundness and
finish washing. I stand and shiver, cooling water slides through my hair
and thighs, but I'm not clean. I'm still not even close to being clean.

2008-04-10T22:15:00.005-05:00

SAWYER JAMES RENNIE

March 31, 2007 ~ April 11, 2007

Sawyer, you left us in the wee hours of the morning, quietly and peacefully, with complete courage. Our beautiful boy, we love you. We are so lost without you, yet we celebrate the wonder and miracle of you. We are so proud you are our son.

The songs on our playlist are all dedicated to Sawyer. For various reasons, they all bring him instantly to mind. Some of them we played for him, some were played at his funeral, and some of them are songs that are inseperable from his little life. We were listening to Regina Spektor almost constantly during the two weeks before he was born, and then while he was alive. If we get into the car and play her CDs, we are instantly and heartbreakingly transported to those moments in time. It feels like I am pregnant again, full of hope . . .or on my way to St. Francis to check into the antenatal unit . . .or driving up to visit Sawyer in the NICU. Many of the songs are almost completely perfect to describe Sawyer and his life . . .like Blackbird, or Love . . .and others have an ambiance that just "feels" like him. Some have a line that just grabs our hearts and brings us closer to our son. We hope you will take some time to listen.

And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.

~Raymond Carver

2008-04-09T21:11:00.003-05:00

For My Love

Our anniversary was on Monday, April 7. A lot has happened to us in two years of marriage, but we're still holding on to each other through all this stormy weather.

Jim . . .thank you for being you, for loving me, and for saving me every day. I will never let go of you . . .

Here's to better days ahead.

First Day of My Life
by Bright Eyes

This is the first day of my life
I swear I was born right in the doorway
I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed
They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw
I think I was blind before I met you
Now I don’t know where I am
I don’t know where I’ve been
But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know
That these things take forever
I especially am slow
But I realize that I need you
And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night
Just to meet me in the morning
And I thought it was strange you said everything changed
You felt as if you'd just woke up

And you said “this is the first day of my life
I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you
But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you
And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me
With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see
But I’d rather be working for a paycheck
Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides maybe this time is different
I mean I really think you like me

Tiger in the Night
by Katie Melua

You are the tiger burning bright
Deep in the forest of my night
You are the one who keeps me strong in this world

You sleep by the silent cooling streams
Down in the darkness of my dreams
All of my life I never knew
You were the dream I'd see come true
You are the tiger burning bright

I was the one who looked so hard I could not see.
Now I could never live without the love you give to me.

I lived like a wild and lonely soul,
Lost in a dream beyond control.
You were the one who brought me home down to earth.

For you are the tiger burning bright
Deep in the forest of my night
All of my life I never knew
You were the dream I'd see come true
You are the tiger burning bright

2008-04-02T22:58:00.025-05:00

Sawyer's First Birthday

To celebrate Sawyer's birthday and remember him in the most positive way possible, we did several special things.

To begin with, we made little treat bags full of candy. I attached cards to each one. The pictures didn't turn out that great, but they will give you the general idea.

I passed out the treats at work, and then Jim and I delivered them to some close friends and family members.

After that, we headed to the NICU. We took a huge bag of candy filled with several of the cards. Strangely enough, the first person to come out of the NICU and see us standing there was Dr. Ramiro, his primary doctor. She came over and talked with us. When we told her it was Sawyer's birthday she got teared up, and of course, I did too. We got ready to leave, and I was walking down the hallway crying, when suddenly I heard this little squeal of my name. It was Emma, the nurse who was very close to Sawyer. She came to his funeral, and she was awarded the Daisy based on our nomination. She was so excited to see us, and she cried too. She told us that whenever she's training new students, she takes them to the collage of Sawyer and shows his pictures and the letter we wrote. She said it has helped to give her a lot of comfort and perspective, and she wants to show others his story to inspire them. She said it is good to know that even if the story isn't the typical "success" that we all hope for, it doesn't mean it was a "failure" either. From the letter that we wrote to the staff, she learned how successful it was that Sawyer had love all his life, and how grateful we were for their constant help, diligence, and support. She also said she realized how much their jobs mean, not just to the babies, but also to their families. It was soooo great to see her. She is and always will be very special to us.

After that, we stopped by the store to pick out a birthday card. We found the perfect one . . .absolutely perfect.

We also bought some baby tulips for his grave.

And some cupcakes--one for each of the boys.

We went to the cemetery, but since the winds were SO crazy you couldn't even walk in a straight line, we decided to bring back his stuff the next day. We talked to him (and his brother too, of course) for awhile, and then came back home. Then on Tuesday we took all of his stuff to his grave. Jim also bought a little birdhouse that we are going to paint and plant something in, which we will take when the weather is nicer.

Several people remembered Sawyer and us with nice gifts and cards.

These candles are in memory of the boys from my friend, Tressa:

This is from my grandmother:

This is from my friend Jami:

This is from my parents:

This is from Jim's parents, made by Jim's mother:

We are so grateful to all of you, not just those mentioned here, but everyone who sent emails, cards, notes, and lit candles for Sawyer. It is so important to us that he is remembered, but at the same time, it is also nice to feel so much love and support from so many. Peace and love . . .

2008-03-31T06:29:00.001-05:00

An Early Morning Wish

One year ago today, my son came into the world. I can't give him presents or a cake, but I can say . . .Happy Birthday, Sawyer. We love you and miss you so much.

You can light a candle for Sawyer at his memorial site.

2008-03-30T09:46:00.001-05:00

Just Something Funny

You know the Johnny Cash song "A Boy Named Sue?" Well, Jim read the other day that it was written by Shel Silverstein. I looked it up, and it's true! It was inspired by his friend, Jean Shepherd, who wrote and narrated the movie "A Christmas Story" and other humourous works. He thought his name sounded feminine, hence the song. Just a bit of trivia for you!

2008-03-29T16:42:00.001-05:00

Okay, here's the final blog I promised, with another one to come after Sawyer's birthday on Monday.

I just finished reading "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff. From his biography on his website:

"Along with The New York Times Magazine, Sheff, a contributing editor to Playboy, has also written for The New York Times, Wired, Fortune, Rolling Stone, Outside, The Los Angeles Times Magazine, Esquire and Observer Magazine in England, Foreign Literature in Russia, and Playboy (Shueisha) in Japan. He has conducted seminal interviews with John Lennon and Yoko Ono, nuclear physicist Ted Taylor, Congressman Barney Frank, Steve Jobs, Ansel Adams, Thomas Friedman, the founders of Google, Tom Hanks, Betty Friedan, Keith Haring, Jack Nicholson, Carl Sagan, Larry Ellison, Salman Rushdie, and others. He also wrote an award-winning documentary about John Steinbeck's The Grapes of Wrath and a radio special about Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird, both for National Public Radio, and wrote and edited Heart Play: Unfinished Dialogue, which won a Grammy Award nomination for Best Spoken Word Recording of 1984." He also wrote a great book about the videogame industry called "Game Over."

This book is about his son Nic's addiction to crystal meth. I was going to try to write a book review, but I really just want to encourage you all to read it. It's one of the most honest, heartbreaking, and in the end, hopeful books I've ever read. Someone on amazon, amidst the rave reviews, gave it a lower rating because they wanted father and son to pen the book together, in order to give "both sides of the story." Nic Sheff did write his book, called "Tweak." However, I really feel that this is David's story alone, the story of his relationship with his son, and how he and the rest of their family dealt with this addiction. I have heard many addict's stories, but I haven't read a good book by someone who loves an addict. I would strongly recommend this book to all--not just people who have dealt with addiction or loving someone with addiction, but any parent.

The real beauty of this book is that I felt I was living vicariously through David. His concerns became my concerns; his joys, my joys. It takes a powerful writer to make hisor her reader feel so closely knit into the story. I felt like David, Karen, Nic, Jasper, and Daisy were my family, and I wanted to trust Nic, and I wanted to comfort Jasper and Daisy, and on and on.

The funny part is that the book ends at the present. There is no further to go. This story is still being written. Yet I wanted more! I wanted to know how it ends . . .even though logically I know it isn't over yet. I wanted to be able to see into the future and know how this all turns out.
The book lived with me and lives in me still. It's definitely a must-read!

2008-03-27T14:51:00.011-05:00

As promised, here is blog #2. The boys celebrated their second Easter this year--Brian's second in Heaven, Sawyer's first. We were lucky enough to have him with us last year for Easter.

Jim and I chose some wooden eggs and egg-cups from Hobby Lobby, along with 2 little rings that Jim found sitting side by side, all on their own. We never saw any others in the store, so it seemed to be a sign!

Jim painted the eggs with the boys' names on them, and then a design on the back of each--a butterfly for Brian and a sailboat for Sawyer. He painted the cups to look like grass on Brian's and the sea on Sawyer's. I think they look perfect! Their daddy did a great job!

We went out to the cemetary during the evening and put the easter eggs and rings by the boys' headstone. We miss them so much, but it's nice to be able to at least do something to remember them on special holidays.

2008-03-26T14:20:00.001-05:00

Sawyer Flies

As Sawyer’s first birthday approaches, I figured it was time to tell you about the painting my friend, Nichole, made for us.

Nichole is a very, very gifted artist. You can learn more about her at her website. She’s also a crazy lady who loves teaching high school so much that she continues to do it, even though she wouldn’t have to. She inspires young people every day to express themselves creatively. I have always loved her work. In fact, my friend Jami and I were talking one day about how much we would LOVE to have one of her paintings, and only a couple of days later (just before Christmas) she came into the center, where her sons attend, and presented me with a gift.

As soon as I looked at the painting, I started crying. I couldn’t believe how amazing it was. It instantly moved me, for it captured our son Sawyer’s spirit and his passing from this earth in such a perfect, poignant way.

Nichole knew that we had played the song "Blackbird" for Sawyer before he passed away. She was also at his funeral, where we had a slide show, the end of which was set to that song. So this inspired her to create "Sawyer Flies."

Unbelievably, she was nervous about giving it to us. She told a friend that she almost didn’t do it, because she was so afraid that we might not like it. I cannot fathom what would possess her to think that. We would have loved the painting no matter what, even if it was only a tenth as wonderful as it is. BUT . . .and when you see it, I am sure you will agree . . .how someone with that amount of talent could ever doubt herself is beyond me.

I have started a dozen different letters to Nichole to try to thank her for this gift. I have yet to finish one. I can’t seem to find the words to say what is in my heart. Not only did she care about Jim and I enough to offer us a piece of her artwork as a gift, but she also loves our son, and has acknowledged and memorialized him in an absolutely incredible way. I can’t thank her enough for the piece of her heart that has become a piece of ours. It is hanging in the main entry of our apartment, and every day, as I walk by, I look at it and remember Sawyer. The painting expresses so brilliantly my feelings . . ."You were only waiting for this moment to arise." Sawyer was set free to fly through the pain and into endless beauty.

This is my way of saying thank you to Nichole. Nichole, I hope you read this. If you do, please know how much I love you and value your friendship. You have been a source of comfort, inspiration, and peace to me throughout this ordeal. I have met someone through you, as well . . .your sister, Amy, who has become a dear friend and another person I can count on to understand my pain, sorrow, and confusion. I am so lucky to have you both in my life. I honestly don’t know where I would be without Jim and friends like you to help carry this burden, and yes, even to make it lighter. You continue to amaze me with your compassion and generosity. I will never be able to say thank you enough, but I will at least try . . .so thank you.

And, as a p.s. . .I have tears running down my face, yet I still wanted to point out that Simon Cowell, who criticized "Blackbird," called Lee Greenwood a "brilliant writer" and "I’m Proud to be an American" a "brilliant song." Touché, Simon. Touché.

2008-03-24T12:19:00.001-05:00

Okay. I have about 3 blogs to write. I need to catch up. I know this. However, I have the day off today and I’m going to spend it with Jim, who also has the day off! Yay! A non-weekend day off together is very rare!

Anyway, here is a preview of my 3 blogs, for anyone who is interested. I will be writing them over the next couple of days.

1.) The piece of artwork my friend, Nichole, made for Jim and I. It is called "Sawyer Flies" and was inspired by him and the song we played at his funeral (and for him when he was alive), "Blackbird" by the Beatles. It’s really amazing, and I have intended to write this blog for months, but haven’t been able to find the right words. I decided that the "right words" aren’t as important as the telling.

Incidentally, I’m really mad at Simon Cowell for calling the song "cheesy" and saying, "You had the entire Beatles catalog to choose from, and you chose a song about a Blackbird." Well, Simon, who obviously hasn’t listened to much Beatles music, has also missed out on one of the best songs in the world. It is very special to me, Jim, and our boys, and we feel it tells Sawyer’s story perfectly.

2. Easter and what we made for the boys, including pictures.

3. My thoughts about one of the best books I have read in a long, long time. It’s called "Beautiful Boy" by David Sheff (he interviewed John and Yoko) and it’s about his son’s addiction to crystal meth.

Also, next Monday is Sawyer’s birthday, so I will be blogging about how we celebrated and my thoughts on his first year in Heaven.

Take care!

Blackbird

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird fly blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird fly blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.

2008-03-17T22:46:00.002-05:00

2 years ago today, I found out I was pregnant for the first time. Last year, my second son was here for Easter. And still, we miss them terribly, and always will. It is a grief that never ceases.

On My First Son
by Ben Jonson

Farewell, thou child of my right hand, and joy ;
My sin was too much hope of thee, lov'd boy.
Seven years thou wert lent to me, and I thee pay,
Exacted by thy fate, on the just day.
Oh, could I lose all father now ! For why
Will man lament the state he should envy?
To have so soon 'scaped world's and flesh's rage,
And if no other misery, yet age !
Rest in soft peace, and, asked, say, Here doth lie
Ben Jonson his best piece of poetry.
For whose sake henceforth all his vows be such
As what he loves may never like too much.

2008-02-24T13:19:00.005-06:00

It must be the time of year.

The other day, as we were driving back from Peoria, Jim and I both had such a strong reaction to driving by St. Francis. The sky looks the same, the weather is similar, and it just feels so familiar. It feels like we should still be in the NICU.

I've been feeling a lot of . . .well, I suppose that anger is the right word. Lately, I have heard so many people talking about the miracles God has performed, how He saved their loved ones from the brink of death, how He protected them and wouldn't let them fall. I don't begrudge these people their miracles. I really don't. I am very happy when people's health is restored, or they are saved from a tragic accident, or whatever the case might be. It's just that I wish I could have had my miracle too.

Yes, my sons were both miracles. But if it's a question of prayer, which people claim it is whenever things go their way, then Sawyer was prayed for as much as anyone else has ever been. Why didn't God save him?? Why wasn't he pulled back from the brink of death? He was a baby, pure, simple, a clean slate, who never had a chance to live. Why not perform a miracle on him? And if God saves people based on the prayers offered, which people tell me He does, then does he allow someone to die if no one says a prayer? What if only one person prays, or two? How many is enough?

I had to deliver one son knowing that no such miracle could be. There was nothing the doctors could do. I had to accept that, even though I still prayed and prayed and prayed and prayed that God would save him. I asked God to let him live even if it meant that I would die, and I really meant it. I would have given my life for both of my sons.

So after that tragedy, which feels like a nightmare that I am only now waking from, I am given another son, another chance, and still . . .he was taken from me. People always say that God has a plan, that the days of our lives are numbered . . .yet when someone survives a potentially fatal accident, they say that God saved him. How does God decide who to save? Why wasn't my son one of the chosen ones?

I'll never understand any of it. All I know is that my heart is still aching every day, but added to it is this raw anger. The more I hear of other people's miracles, the more angry I become. I know jealousy is wrong, but how could I not be jealous? They got their miracle. Why didn't my son get his?

2008-02-08T22:53:00.001-06:00

Since I rarely write here anymore, I wonder if anyone even checks it or reads it. Either way, it's nice to occassionally have a place to express my feelings.

I had the strongest feeling of deja vu tonight that I think I've ever had in my life. I suddenly had the feeling that it was time to call the hospital and check up on Sawyer, then get ready and go to see him. It is impossible to describe the magnitude of how I was feeling. I genuinely found myself living in that moment. I could feel exactly how it felt then . . .how I felt physically, how life felt, how the hospital felt and smelled, how the pumping room felt and smelled, how my little boy looked when I sat next to him, how he held my hand . . .it hit me so hard in about 30 seconds, and I could barely breathe. It feels like another lifetime.

I never want to forget how it felt to be his mom. I was so lucky. I had nothing else in the world to worry about, aside from being Sawyer's mom. I didn't have work or church or any expectations from the rest of the world. In the daily hustle and bustle, it's easy to forget how amazing those 11 days were. It's easy to forget how happy and hopeful we were, and how incredible his little life was. I need to hold so tightly to those feelings and never let them go.

Thanks to all who have been writing, checking up on me, and telling me they miss hearing from me. We just got a new computer. Our old one got to the point where it was barely running, and to check and reply to emails was taking hours. So I'm back, and I have really appreciated everyone's care and concern. We're hanging in there, which I suppose is the best we can do. Love to all.

2008-01-20T11:24:00.000-06:00

I was tagged by my friend April, so I decided to do this little survey about books. Since it's been 2 months (really???) since I've blogged, I figured this would be a good way to get back into it. And by the way, I have had about 10 things I meant to write about, so hopefully I will get caught up soon . . .my husband has strep throat and I have acute bronchitis, so maybe when this illness passes, I will be able to get some writing done.

Book Meme

1. One book that changed your life.
Einstein's Dreams by Alan Lightman, Beloved by Toni Morrison, and The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry.

2. One book that you have read more than once.
The Chronicles of Narnia by CS Lewis, all Sheri Reynolds' books, Danny Champion of the World by Roald Dahl, Dicey's Song by Cynthia Voigt, lots of Stephen King novels, Dandelion Wine by Ray Bradbury, and soooooo many more . . .any book I love!

3. One book that you would want on a desert island.
The Bible

4. One book that made you laugh.
The Secret Diary of Adrian Mole Aged 13¾ by Sue Townsend.

5. One book you have been meaning to read.
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen.

2007-11-24T09:06:00.000-06:00

At the Holidays

A friend posted this and I thought I would too. It's a really good look inside the hearts of grieving parents. It's a tough time of year, made even tougher if people forget to remember.

Do not worry that mentioning the name of the child will "remind" bereaved parents of their child. We remember our child every minute of every day. We want to talk about our child. Mention his name. One of our biggest fears is that he will be forgotten and one of our biggest joys is to hear his name.

Understand that we are parents without the right number of children. Because of this we experience over and over again fear, anger, guilt, sorrow, loss of future, isolation, abandonment. These are not steps that we work through but feelings that will continue to return forever with various intensity and in different forms.

Keep in mind that there really is no "closure" to the grief for the loss of a child. How can there be? Such loss is against nature and against all that we understand in the passage from one generation to the next.

What you say to bereaved parents is less important than that you say something. Ignoring bereaved parents is only adding to the burden of grief. Simply asking "How are you doing?" can be very helpful. But do it often.

When bereaved parents return to the workplace, make sure that you stop by, even if it's just to say "hello." After the loss of a child, parents often feel as if they are starting all over. This "new life" is just in the infancy stage and a friendly word makes a difference.

Call bereaved parents just to let them know you are thinking about them. Don't be insulted if they do not call you. Grieving saps energy for a long time.

Never think that grieving parents are somehow "holding onto their grief. "There is no such thing. The loss of a child causes endless grief that becomes part of the bereaved parent's inner self forever.

Remember that grief is not a process that one goes through a step at a time. Grieving is a roller coaster ride, and it is circular. The first couple of years, we are numb. When the numbness goes away, we are shocked to see that the world has gone on without our child. When we come out of this numbness, we are different people with a new sense of what it is to be "normal."

When parents lose their child, their hearts are broken. A huge hole is left. This hole will never heal - only the jagged edges around the hole may heal with time. Our grief, not always in the same form and maybe not as intense, will be with us the rest of our lives.

It does not matter how a child died or whether he was one week old or sixty years old. Nor does it matter whether there are surviving children. There is something absolute about the loss of each and every individual child.

Certain times of year will trigger intense sadness. Birthdays, anniversaries of the death, holidays, Mother's and Father's Day, weddings and funerals are just some. We can never properly prepare ourselves for these days. A simple "I am thinking of you and I know this day must be hard" goes a long way with bereaved parents.

2007-11-20T19:04:00.000-06:00

THE NEW NORMAL
~anonymous

It is amazing what can become "normal" to us . . .

Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the cemetery for Christmas, birthday, Valentine’s day, and Easter.

Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.

Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral and being at the cemetery. Yet, feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers, see that casket, and all the crying people.

Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming because you just don't like to sit through church anymore. And yet feeling like you have more faith and belief in God than you ever have had before.

Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your families' life.

Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand 'what if's' and 'why didn't I's' go through your head constantly.

Normal is having the TV on the minute you wake up and the last thing as you go to sleep at night. . .feeling the desperate need for noise because the silence is deafening.

Normal is every happy event in your life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of the hole in your heart.

Normal is telling the story of your baby’s death as if it were an everyday common place activity and then gasping in horror at how awful it sounds.

And yet realizing it has become part of our normal.

Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and their birthday and survive those days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fits the occasion.

Normal is feeling a common bond with friends in England, Australia, Netherlands, Canada, and all over the USA, yet never having met any of them face to face.

Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother and meeting for coffee and talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.

Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned house or did laundry or if there is any food in the house.

Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have children because it is not worth explaining that they are in Heaven. And yet when you avoid that problem you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your children.

And last of all normal is hiding all the things that have become normal for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are "normal".

2007-11-04T00:05:00.000-05:00

What impropriety or limit can there be in our grief for a man so beloved?
~Horace, Carmina

A friend recently asked me if I wished my blog was anonymous, and I admitted that sometimes I did. I would like to facelessly/namelessly be able to share my deepest feelings without fear of judgement. I would like to be able to say I am still grieving without being accused of selfish motives (apparently if I say I'm sad, it's just so people will comfort me). Unfortunately, through some lessons learned both here and in real life, I have come to understand that there will always be people who judge us, and hiding behind masks doesn't make it any easier to bear.

I am still sad. Despite what others might think, it's not depression. I know depression, have experienced it quite deeply, and still deal with it. This goes deeper than depression, and it's completely different. It is grief, and it is profound. I've gotten really, really good at fooling people. I can do what they want . . .act happy, don't mention my boys (it might upset someone!), and pretend that everything is going great. But the thing that scares me is that I've gotten so good at it, I almost fool myself sometimes. Looking through my picture folders on my computer last night, I realized it had been months since I'd looked at Brian and Sawyer's photos. I went through them, and immediately the tears began to flow. What hurt the most was my sudden realization that I'd been trying so hard to convince everyone else I was okay I had neglected to spend time with my sons.

So tonight, this is what you get. My ramblings and my music. I updated my song list because when you can't speak grief, music can do it for you.

Grief. The pain now is part of the happiness then. That's the deal.

~C.S. Lewis

2007-10-21T11:54:00.000-05:00

PART I

"I count myself in nothing else so happy

As in a soul rememb'ring my good friends."

~William Shakespeare

I said in my last blog that I was going to tell you about meeting another angel-mom, as well as my weekend with Jim, so I am starting with Part I and moving on to Part II later on.

Over the weekend of October 6th, Jim and I had originally planned to participate in the SHARE Walk in St. Louis. It is to benefit an organization that provides free materials to grieving parents after the loss of a child. One of my angel-mom friends here, Heidi, had invited us to join her team, and we were really looking forward to the event. All of the babies' names were to be read aloud in memoriam before the walk, and they would all be printed on the t-shirts. I thought it would be a wonderful way to honor our sons' memories. Unfortunately, Jim couldn't get the time off work. Being one of the newer employees means that you basically have to do what they say when they say to do it, and they don't give "time off" to really anyone. It was his weekend, he had to work, and that was it. Period. So I was really bummed that we couldn't go.

Well, it's funny how things work out sometimes. I believe that God has a hand in these things, but whatever you believe, it's pretty amazing when one door closes and a window opens, which is what happened to us.

When I was pregnant with Brian, still in my first trimester with no hint of the tragedy that would befall us, my friend Nicole told me that her sister, Amy, had lost her son, Tyler. He was lost at full term, and it was a huge shock to everyone. At the time, I remember crying when Nicole told me and feeling very, very sad . . .but I had no idea that soon I would be able to relate to the deep pain Amy was going through. Even though I sympathized with her, I couldn't truly understand, because I never thought anything like that would happen to me.

Well, as you all know, a few months later, I lost my own son, Brian. Nicole gave me Amy's email address. I was really nervous, but I decided to reach out to her. As kind and caring as everyone around me was, I needed someone to talk to who really understood. Amy responded right away, and gave me her phone number in case I ever needed to talk. She was the first angel-mom I had met, and she really helped me through my grief.

A couple of months later, we were both expecting again. We supported each other through the months of worry and anxiety. Once again, tragedy struck, and I lost my second son, Sawyer. Amy was pregnant with her daughter, Gabrielle, and terrified of losing her, but she still stood beside me as I dealt with the loss of Sawyer. All moms deal with grief and fear differently, and I've had some friends who, while pregnant again, pretty much ignored me . . .I think out of an understandable terror that it would happen to them again too. Amy never did. She always helped me, listened, and cared about what I was going through. And even though I'd just lost my second child, I tried to be a good friend to her as well. I encouraged her through her worries and prayed for her and Gaby every day.

Nothing made me happier than the day Gabrielle Nicole was born, a beautiful, healthy baby girl. Amy was still very sensitive to me. She didn't know if she should send pictures, because she didn't want to upset me. I told her that she deserved this happiness, and I would never have wanted anything else for her. How could I wish my unhappiness and grief upon anyone else? She knew this, but she just didn't want to make it harder for me. It didn't. It gave me hope to know that Gaby was a success story. It made me believe that I could try again.

So . . .you're probably wondering where this is all going. Nicole told me that Amy was going to be in town, and asked if Jim and I would come to dinner at her house on October 6! After not being able to go to St. Louis to meet all those other angel-moms, it was so strange and amazing that this was the exact weekend Amy would be in town! We accepted, of course, and I finally met Amy and her daughter Gaby, as well as her and Nicole's mom.

We had a great dinner and shared a lot about our children, Brian, Sawyer, Tyler, and Gaby. There were definitely some tears, but laughter as well, and joy in the birth of Amy's daughter. She encouraged me a lot, and let me know that she supported my choice to try again. It was a wonderful evening, and I am so grateful to have been able to meet her. At the end of the evening, as we said goodbye, she said that she felt a special bond with me because of what we'd been through and hoped that I felt the same. I can't imagine where I'd be without Amy's friendship. She has helped me in so many ways, and I always know that whatever I'm feeling, she will understand. She never tells me how I should be dealing with things, or what I should be feeling, she just listens and she "gets it." I'm so glad we got to meet, and I look forward to our continuing friendship and more children for both of us.

And I have to say a HUGE thank you to Nicole, who has also been there for me through EVERYTHING. I'm really glad she introduced me to her sister, but I'm also glad for her. I value her friendship and presence in my life very highly. when I lost the boys, both times, she was there for me in so many ways. She gave donations for their headstone, she sent cards, she talked to me every day, she called, she wrote me emails . . .but most of all, she cared deeply about me and our children. These two women have been the best kind of friends anyone could ask for.

Nicole, Gabrielle, and Amy

Amy and I

2007-10-16T19:58:00.001-05:00

She's BAAAACK . . .

Okay. Not really. I haven't got time for a full blog. Honestly. Work has been really tiring, and on top of that, I had some major dental surgery and lots of blood and swelling and pain and not eating and not sleeping. Oh, and vicodin (which didn't work at ALL) and codeine (which helped a little).

I'm off the painkillers and dealing with life. I want to tell you all about meeting my angel-mom friend, Amy, a couple weekends ago. I also want to tell you about my weekend with my love. So that will follow soon, I promise. At least by this weekend.

Oh, yes, and before you ask . . .the babymaking has begun. I just finished my first period since I went off birth control. So wish us luck and send up lots of prayers for the safety of our future baby-in-the-making. And always remember our boys, our first loves, our guiding stars. We are especially thinking of them during this month of remembrance.

"You cannot catch a child's spirit by running after it; you must sit still and for love it will eventually return."

~Arthur Miller

2007-09-16T20:47:00.000-05:00

CAMPING, FOOTBALL, AND FRIENDS

Well, it's been awhile since I've blogged, so I thought I was due for an update. So I'll try to briefly tell you the highlights of the last couple of weeks.

Labor Day weekend, Jim and I both had Monday off. So Friday after work, we left for Siloam Springs in Clayton, Illinois to camp. I can't even describe how GORGEOUS it was there. It was so beautiful and peaceful. The State Park is really a huge natural preserve with a few campsites set into it. It isn't a "campground" where there's lights strung between trailers and campers right next to each other, partying with their grills and beers. It's for nature lovers. We spent the morning on Saturday in Hannibal, Missouri. We went on a tour of the cave that inspired Mark Twain's tales in "Tom Sawyer," which was really cool. I was a little freaked, to say the least, of the bats flying overhead, but I got through without one getting caught in my hair (one of my big fears). We went there when I was a child, and my mom said I screamed the entire way through it (it's about an hour and a half hike). We got back to the campground a little after noon, ate lunch, and went out rowing on the lake. Jim is quite a natural at rowing, and in 2 hours, we managed to see every corner of the lake, which is quite large. Maddie went with us and had a nice time too! Saturday night, we went on a little drive, just at sunset, because on the way, we had seen hundreds of deer and were trying to find some more. We saw lots of them, but when we came to a little secluded area just on the edge of the park, we had an amazing experience. We were listening to the album Kenny Loggins made for his son, which has some really beautiful songs on it. I never thought I'd say I was a Kenny Loggins fan, but this album is truly lovely. We came upon a deer, eating his dinner at the edge of the treeline. We stopped the car, but kept the music playing softly, and rolled down the windows. As we sat, the deer ventured further and further out into the grass, nearer and nearer to our car. He looked directly at us several times, and seemed a bit wary at first, but then relaxed and appeared to trust that we would not hurt him. Soon, he was joined by a doe. We sat and watched them for a bit, and then I noticed a tiny set of ears poking out above the bushes right at the treeline. It was a fawn. His parents seemed to almost give him little signals that it was okay, and he ended up coming out with them. Soon, the whole family was right up near the car. The song playing was "The Horses," which I reprinted the lyrics of below. You will understand after reading them how it felt to hear that song while watching the deer. I realized suddenly how beautiful this was, how amazing and precious. I knew Brian and Sawyer were with us, and I cried, but it was a really wonderful kind of crying. After a few more moments, another car came down the road, and the older deer flicked their white tails at the baby, who ran immediately into the woods. The other two slowly made their way back to him, and soon they had all disappeared. I can't describe in words what this meant to us, but it was such a wonderful moment between us and those graceful animals.

"The Horses"

~Kenny Loggins

We will fly way up high

Where the cool winds blow

Or in the sun laughing, having fun

With all the people that we know

If the situation should keep us separated

I know the world won't fall apart

You will free the beautiful bird

Caught inside your heart

Can you see her? Oh she flies so proud

Cast her wild wings over water and cloud

That's the way it's gonna be little darling

We'll go riding on the horses

Way up in the sky little darling

If you fall I'll pick you up, pick you up

If you fall I'll pick you up, I'll pick you up

You will grow until you go

I'll be right there by your side

And even then a whisper in a wind

Will call me to you in the night.

I hear all the people of the world

In my one bird's cry

I see them trying every way they know

To make their spirits fly

Can you see the moonlight in her eye

Coming from under my wing

You were born to fly

That's the way it's gonna be, little darling

We'll go riding on the horses

Way up in the sky little darling

If you fall I'll pick you up, I'll pick you up

If you fall I'll pick you up...

Then, on Sunday, we returned home for a family reunion. There were about 40 people at my parents house, and we had a lot of fun just hanging out. I really enjoyed seeing everyone. We ate a lot, swam a lot, and laughed a lot.

Last Friday night, Tremont dedicated the school's new football field and athletic facilities. There's a new track, locker room, baseball field, softball field, and football field, all top-of-the-line and beautiful. My grandfather, William Poorbaugh (Brian William is named for him), was the superintendent of Tremont schools until his death from cancer in 1978. So the old football field was named for him, and the new field was rededicated to him. Our whole family attended . . .all of my mom's siblings and their children, my grandmother, and all the grandkids and great-grandchild, Kyleigh. My grandma and her children went on the field for a short ceremony and my grandma spoke. It was very nice. I missed the boys a lot that night, and wished so badly they could be there. I know my grandpa is with them now, and is so proud of them. It gave me comfort that the cemetery where they are buried is overlooking the field. Then Grandpa is buried close by, overlooking the high school. At first we were a little disappointed, because we loved the fields that used to be there--they were so peaceful and lovely. But after thinking about it, we felt happy that our boys would be overlooking other young people playing and having fun. It seems fitting for two little guys to be able to be near all of that life.

At halftime, we left. Jim had to work, so he had to be up at 4 am. He decided to go to bed, and I went out with my brother Joel and his wife, Sarah. We went to a little bar in town, and as we were walking in, we noticed my cousin and her boyfriend walking in ahead of us. Then my aunt and uncle arrived and followed us in! We went inside, and another aunt and uncle were already at the bar, and soon we were joined by another aunt and uncle and my cousin Carrie (who is under 21 and DIDN'T drink, since there was some concern over this)! We had a great night together. The aunts and uncles left after an hour or so, and some kids from high school came in and hung out with us. I had a lot of fun.

Last Wednesday, I was talking to my friend Donna at work, and she said she and her husband were going to see American English with her daughter Jamie (also a friend from work) and her boyfriend. They wanted us to go, and of course, we had to! If you have never heard of American English, they are an absolutely fantastic Beatles tribute band. Anyone who knows Jim and I knows what HUGE Beatles fans we are, so you can imagine that we are not easily impressed by covers or tributes. It takes a lot for us to enjoy anyone else trying to play Beatles songs. That being said, we LOVE American English. We first saw them several years ago, and have wanted to see them again ever since. They don't just do the early stuff, as is the typical repertoire for most Beatles cover bands . . .but they cover the entire Beatles experience, all the way through to Abbey Road. They also do costume changes, and come out in full Sergeant Pepper's regalia. They even had incense burning during the second act! It was a lot of fun, and I can't wait until they come back to the area so we can see them again!

Then last night, we went out to Kouri's with our friends Kathie and Josh. It was a whole lot of fun, but we're about to go to bed . . .we're still in recovery. We were up until 5 AM! We're getting wayyyyyy too old for that!

Well, that about does it . . .work is so busy, but we're both enjoying our jobs and making more money than usual, which has come in handy. We're trying to build up a little surplus for our next pregnancy. And more pictures of the camping trip next time,which hopefully will be in the next couple of days. We got some amazing shots of the hills, caves, forests, lakes, and rocky landscapes. Hope everyone had a great weekend, and enjoy your week!

2007-08-26T10:02:00.000-05:00

The Daisy

Several months ago, we nominated one of Sawyer's nurses, Emma, to receive the Daisy Award for Excellence in Nursing. You can read all about the foundation and the award here. Emma was such an amazing caregiver. All of the nurses at St. Francis NICU were incredible, but she went above and beyond even their high standard. She came in or called on her days off to check on Sawyer, she came to his funeral, and she called us at home several times to see how we were doing. She also read a memorial tribute to Sawyer at the ceremony the hospital hosted. She's very special to us, and we were so proud of her for being chosen.

Since we nominated her, we were invited to attend the award ceremony, which took place last Tuesday, August 21. All of the nurses were so pleased that we came (my mom and dad, Jim, and I). They said out of all the times people had been invited, only one other family had ever come to the actual presentation, and while it's enough to just take the time to nominate someone, it was even more special for a family to attend. I started to feel like we were the honorees for awhile!

As I said, we were very happy for Emma, and she so deserves this recognition for being such a wonderful nurse and friend. We will never forget the kindness she showed our son. We only wish we could recognize ALL of those who took such kind and loving care of him. In the picture below, Emma is standing with Dr. Ramiro, Sawyer's main doctor, and Julie, his nurse practitioner. They were both amazing women who fought valiantly for Sawyer's life. These people should be honored constantly, but accept praise by saying, "It's just my job!" Well, it's quite an incredible job, and one that changes and saves lives on a daily basis. They all mean so much to our family.
It was a really beautiful ceremony, and there wasn't a dry eye in the room when our actual nomination was read. Afterwards, Emma told everyone how she thought of Sawyer every day. His collage is near the staff break room, and she said she always pauses to say hello to him. She reminded us that we actually did experience some degree of success, even if we didn't get to take Sawyer home with us. . .we got to meet our little guy, to know his personality, to feel him hold our finger in his tiny hand, to see his eyes wide open and so inquisitive, to see him so active in his little isolette. She said that we shared something very special and she would never forget Sawyer either.

2007-08-12T12:23:00.000-05:00

My God Story

At our church recently, we have been asked to share what God is doing in our lives in the form of a "God Story." Our pastor asked me to share my story about the boys, and it was read this morning. I thought I would post it for you to read.

My God Story: A Work In Progress
By Amy Rennie

When I was a child, I had a button with a caterpillar on it that read, “Be patient! God isn’t finished with me yet!” I wish I could say that I was a butterfly now, but unfortunately, I cannot; in fact, I believe that this is a lifelong process. Where I am at on my road right now is probably the most difficult path I’ve traveled. I didn’t intend to take this turn, but it was taken for me, against my own will, and for what purpose we shall someday see.

My first son, Brian, was born and then slipped away from us on July 11, 2006. Victor Hugo once said, “To love another person is to see the face of God,” and I, for one, believe it. I looked at my son’s beautiful, perfect face, and I saw a miracle, pure and true. I counted his fingers and toes, I stared at his ears, his eyes, his mouth, and I knew that God had given me, for however brief a time, a miracle.

3 months later, we were pregnant again, and this time, we had complete faith that things were going to work out just fine. We prayed every day. Our family prayed, our friends prayed, people we didn’t even know prayed. The gates of Heaven were rattling for this little boy who was on the way. I had the surgery to prevent losing him, and everything went well. Then, 23 weeks into the pregnancy, I was put in the hospital on bed rest, knowing that every hour, every day, was another day closer to my son’s potential survival.

Sawyer was born one day short of 24 weeks. He was a gorgeous little boy who stole the hearts of the doctors and nurses who struggled to save his life. He fought with every ounce of strength he had. Even when it seemed there was no chance left, he found, deep in the reserves of his tiny body, more strength to fight.

On the last day of his life, Jim and I decided to stay overnight with him at the NICU. I knew he was a very sick little boy, fighting an infection, a perforated bowel, bleeding on the left side of his brain, hyper inflated lungs, a squeezed heart, and loss of kidney function; however, he had pulled through so many tough times before, I never really thought he wouldn’t do it again. In the end, as we sat at his side, we could see that he no longer had the energy to battle it all. He was a little baby, so fragile and so small, and we knew that he had had enough. The doctors told us it was time to let go. There was nothing more they could do, and tests indicated his systems were failing on every level.

From that moment on, I was at ground zero. If my faith was unshaken the first time, it would not be an exaggeration to say that it was nearly shattered the second. I was angry at God. I was furious. I could not, and still cannot comprehend the purpose of taking another child from his family. I don’t understand why so many people who had been praying so hard were all hurt and bitterly disappointed. I was left, once again, with an empty nursery, a closet full of baby clothes my mom and I had picked out, and a broken heart.

So how did I not lose my faith? Why did I decide not to blame God, but instead try to seek peace of mind and heart? It was not an easy process.

In the end, during moments when I laid it all down at His feet, there were several reasons why my faith held on, strained and thinning though the rope might be.

First, I saw God through my family. My husband, who is a constant support to me, and who loved our two boys with his whole heart and soul. His love has never faltered, not for one second, and he has been an example to me of strength and true, deep love. He worked many, many long hard hours to provide for us, and took such good care of me while I was on bed rest, and then in the hospital. My mom and dad took me to doctor’s appointments, sat by my side in the hospital, took care of me when Jim was at work, and spent hour upon hour with Sawyer once he was born. They believed, hoped, and trusted in God through it all, even in the end, and they gave everything they had for this baby. They were so proud of him, so happy about his life, and so hopeful for his future. They held him and rocked him as he passed from this earth, and said goodbye to their second grandson. Pastor Dave and Alice had spent hours with us in the NICU, praying over Sawyer, asking God to spare us another loss. My brothers, my sisters-in-law, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, my grandmother, our church family, and the extended family of my friends were all so loving and supportive that I cannot doubt the love of God.

Secondly, just as I had felt with Brian: when I saw Sawyer, I witnessed my second miracle. How can anyone doubt the goodness and awesome power of God when holding a perfect, tiny baby in their arms? I don’t know why God allowed this to happen to us, but I do know how lucky we were, even if for a very short time, to have had our beautiful baby boys.

Thirdly, if you ever have doubts about God, visit a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. You will see miracles on a daily basis. I saw the love of God every minute of every day we were there. I saw it in the kindness and compassion the nurses showed my son, in the gentleness of their touch, the sweetness of their voices when they spoke to him. Several of his nurses called or came in on their days off to make sure Sawyer was doing okay. They spent countless hours talking to Jim and I, answering every question that came into our heads, never once making us feel as if we were in the way. The doctors showed incredible ingenuity and determination with every new treatment, every new strategy they could come up with to save our son. They did everything within their God-given power to help him. The day before he died, Sawyer had to have yet another complicated surgical procedure, one which he was not really strong enough to withstand. The nurse-practitioner who was to perform the procedure asked us to pray, because she had never done it on a baby so tiny and fragile, and she was afraid he wouldn’t make it through. He did well, and after it was over, she told us we must have a direct line to the man upstairs, because she didn’t know how she or Sawyer had done it.

I cannot doubt God because I saw my son fight for his life in a way I never would have imagined possible. Time after time after time, he proved the doctors wrong and made it through another day. As soon as I first went to see him, my initial joy at the fact that he was alive turned to fear and sorrow, as they told me he was by far the sickest baby in the NICU, and while they would do everything they could, he probably wouldn’t make it. They talked to Jim and I about a Do Not Resuscitate order, what this entailed, and whether or not we wanted to sign one for Sawyer. It was terrifying. However, for 12 days, Sawyer went against all probability, constantly surprised them, and presented them with problems they hadn’t dealt with before. I know, after all is said and done, that Sawyer taught them things that might very well save another baby’s life. He fought until the very end, until I whispered in his ear that it was okay for him to let go. I told him that we were so proud of him, but he didn’t have to suffer anymore. He opened his eyes and looked at his dad and I one last time before he relaxed, and I knew that he had received eternal healing.

Finally, I cannot doubt God, because through all of this, He has shown us the importance of appreciating every single moment. In the half hour we had Brian, and the 12 days we had Sawyer, we truly lived every second. We had never lived like this before, but have realized since that it is truly the best way to live. Never let a day go by where you don’t show at least one person in your life how much you care about them. We only had a brief time with our children, but they knew every second how much they were loved.

I’m not sure what all of this means today. Pastor Dave had wanted me to share my story, and this is where I’m at. I still haven’t figured out why I had to lose my two sons. I don’t know why God chose us to allow this to happen to. I don’t know why He didn’t save Sawyer, when so many were praying so hard. It still isn’t fair, and it still hurts. Am I still angry at God sometimes? Certainly. But I ask him to forgive me, and I know He does. I know how much he loved His own son, who died on the cross, and I know he understands my sorrow, my anger, my frustration.

I will have to continue down this unexpected path, following this turn in my life I didn’t intend to take, and every step I take, I know my boys are with me. I see them everywhere, in every part of God’s creation. I see them in butterflies, in flowers, in birds, in the sun, the sky, the trees, the stars at night. They are a part of every second of every day for me. Not a moment passes that I am not thinking of them. I praise God for the miracles they were and are, and I thank Him for blessing me with the most amazing, special boys. In my clearer, more tranquil moments, I know that they are the lucky ones—they have received their eternal reward. We are the broken ones, left here to miss them, our arms aching to hold them. Perhaps God chose to spare them the agonies of this life and allowed them to go straight to Heaven. Someday I may find out the answers I am seeking, but by then, it won’t really matter, for I will be able to hold them in my arms at last.

My mother-in-law, Jane, sent me a necklace that symbolized our boys, which I wear often. It has two stones on it, in the colors of pregnancy loss awareness of pink and blue. It also has their birthstones—a ruby for Brian, and an aquamarine for Sawyer. Finally, there is a small silver butterfly. As I mentioned at the start, we are all as caterpillars, waiting for the time when we will metaphorically grow our wings and learn to fly. My sons have already gone through this spiritual transformation. One day, my dad came and got Jim and I to come and look outside in the yard. There were probably 40 or more butterflies flitting around in the sunshine. He told us it made him think of Brian and Sawyer and all their buddies, playing together. Jim and I like to go hiking, and we often have seen butterflies that will fly alongside of us, reminding us of our boys. When the St. Francis NICU staff held a memorial service for all the babies lost there, we released monarch butterflies at the end of the ceremony. Each one of us was given a card with a poem on it. I will end with this, as it perfectly represents the story God is working in my life right now. Remember Brian and Sawyer’s legacy of love and compassion, and pay it forward to someone today.

A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam.
And for a brief moment, its glory and beauty
belong to our world.
But then it flies on again,
and though we wish it could have stayed,
we feel so lucky to have seen it.

Often in life
what appears to
be an ending
is really a glorious new beginning.

2007-08-04T23:25:00.000-05:00

From my friend Kristen:

I know that as a mother, I will be better because of what I have endured.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover.I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.

I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill,take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight,this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to,I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured.I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor,friend and sister because I have known pain.

I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body.I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.

I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.

I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine,of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth. And when life is beyond hard, I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.

I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

~Author Unknown

2007-07-25T03:40:00.000-05:00

Well . . .I didn't get so far with the whole Harry Potter thing. Instead, I'm sitting at my computer, bawling my eyes out, because I'm so exhausted, and it's at these times I miss my boys the most. I'm not angry right now. I'm not frustrated. I'm just really, really sad.

This song always reminds us of Sawyer and Brian, and I'm listening to it right now. We played it at Sawyer's funeral.

Fix You
by Coldplay

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face

when you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I . . .

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I . . .

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

2007-07-24T20:41:00.001-05:00

Ok, I'm determined to finish HP and the Deathly Hallows tonight. Jim's already sound asleep, so there's NO excuse!

Oh, and I re-pierced 6 holes in my ears, including one in the cartilage of my left ear. I had to numb each spot with ice, and then try to stick it INTO the ice to get it through the skin. Gross, eh? I haven't worn earrings in about 2 years, so it's kind of exciting.

2007-07-24T13:12:00.000-05:00

By the way, the list of "dos and don'ts" is just something I found helpful. I think most of the time, we don't know how to deal with the loss of a child, because it is so profound and tragic. People aren't being cruel or harsh, they just honestly are trying to help, and maybe don't realize the impact of their words. I wasn't saying anyone had done any of these things to me . . .just wanted to post it, because I found so much that rang true, and most of them are things that well-meaning strangers say. I hope it helps people learn how to talk about babies who have died, because honestly, if it hadn't happened to me, I would not know. I probably would have offered a whole lot of well-intended advice that wasn't welcome, because I would want so badly to help. I saw this on Jules' blog (one of my angel-mommy friends) and thought it was really insightful, so I decided to post it.

2007-07-24T11:04:00.000-05:00

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss: A letter from women to their friends and family
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer

Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002

When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

-Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

-Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

-Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

-Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

-Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

-Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

-Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

-Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

-Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

- Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

-Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

-Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

-Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

-Do say, "I have lit a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. If you're my boss or my co-worker:

-Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

-Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

DO understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come.

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

2007-07-22T19:17:00.000-05:00

Me, the Blonde?

Today I got my hair cut. I considered getting it highlighted too, but it cost $60, and I don't have that kind of money to spend on my hair. I'm lucky to get a $14.95 haircut from Cost Cutters. However, I do think they do a great job there. I have always been very happy with the cuts I've gotten from Amy and Tiana at the Pekin shop. Today Tiana gave me a cut that is stacked in the back, and then angled toward my face (it's short in the back and gets longer as you go forward).

I then decided to buy a home highlighting kit at Walgreen's. I put the cap on and realized I couldn't do it on my own. Jim didn't particularly want to do it, so I asked my mom to help.

Neither of us had a clue what we were doing, so we called my sister-in-law, Sarah, whose mother is a beautician. She came over and basically told us that we needed to start over. The problem was that the holes in the cap were stretched out and would not work, because too much hair had been pulled through, so you couldn't go back to a smaller amount.

We ended up going to her mom's shop and getting a couple of caps (good thing we got extra, because we had to start again twice) and the "good stuff" to use on my hair. Her aunt said that since my hair is so dark, I would need better peroxide than what they can sell over the counter. Apparently the stuff over the counter is a maximum of "10" (whatever that number means), and she wanted us to use "40," the highest you could go. She measured out the stuff and sent us on our way.

We spent the next hour or so getting the hair pulled through the cap and finally putting on the mixture. We ran out of activator, so Sarah was afraid the back might not turn out. We were both freaking out a little. After about 45 minutes, she thought it looked ready and rinsed and washed my hair.

After drying it, it looked great! I'm really happy with it, everyone in the fam loved it, and Sarah was really relieved that she didn't ruin my hair. I even ran into a friend at WalMart, who (with no prompting from me) told me my hair looked really good. Woohoo!

And finally, regarding Harry Potter . . .I was upset that because of the way my weekend went, I haven't had much time to read it. With every other book, I read it straight through, literally, without sleeping. This time I'm only on the fourth chapter. However, I decided to relax about it, because it's the last book. Not only is it not a race, but it's also the final time I'll read a new HP novel, so I might as well enjoy it. I plan to finish it tonight (haha!) but if I end up falling asleep, I'm off work this week, so I will definitely finish it during the first part of the week. So NO ONE tell me what happens or I'll be forced to kick your you-know-what.

The new me: